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Sharon,
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. I have wanted to respond over the last few days and just have not been able to find the words. You are a brave woman. I understand so much of what you are saying ... from your childhood to the present. I understand how so much of our self esteem and need to be loved can even destroy us. I too have been plagued with low self esteem and I admit freely that I crave acceptance from my parents (that I will probably never receive) but have over the past three years I have begun to find the value of just being me. I still hurt and I still crave the acceptance. I still become depressed from time to time. I still worry and even at times have anxiety that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But something... somewhere.... allowed me to see my own value. I know I am a good person regardless of what my parents believe. I know I make bad decisions sometimes but not always. I know that I am worth loving even when they tell me otherwise. You must wonder what it was that allowed me to see me differently... see the value of me.... To be honest the only thing I think it is ... My ability to love others. I want to make sure that others do not feel the things that I feel. I use to say I loved others... and I did. But they (my patients, the victims I volunteered for) taught me to love myself.
I didn't go back to school until I was 38 (I'm 47 now) to get my BA. While I went to school I volunteered for our local Domestic Violence Shelter. I worked part time and was a full time mom and wife. My degree is in Cognitive Studies. I went to work right after I graduated at a locked psych facility. An experience I will always treasure. I learned so much about life... and me... and my family. I worked there for almost 5 yrs. I am now working as a social worker for the elderly. I love it too. I have learned and learn more everyday. They allow me to be the caregiver that I am and with giving to them I give to myself. I believe I am worth something now.
I am telling you this because even now I get down and doubt my worth. I think most humans do. Women talk about it more than men and we feel it deeper than most men. But I know how hard it is to get up in the mornings and act normal. I know how dark depression is and how scary anxiety can be. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that your email of hope is soooo very true. Thank you for sharing and getting me to say hello to a new friend. I hope to hear from you again.
Take care of yourself
always,
Kathy
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