Nick dude,

I may think it, I may even say it, but I have never tried nor
have done anything to even remotely act upon any action. In fact, for awhile I
have talked about 15 to 20 girls out of committing suicide. But I still see all
those I saw in the Oakland street dug war that was going on, and my job was just
a back up to the RT, so mostly I stood there and watched them do what they had
to to try and save them. I never let it in. I think after all of this time, I'm
ready to release some of the pain of watching all aged people die. I have just
kept it inside of me, never letting it, well not really, but it came out in my
feeling worthless. You feel helpless when you just stand there and watch
everybody have something to do, but I was just looking at the people fie, and I
prayed, and I asked God how and why did He allow it to happen. I have a deep
belief in my Higher Power, but I also need to be able to let out he pain,
something that I've been told
to just give it to God, and God will take your pain away, but I must be a
failure, reject, or whatever. I just can't cry, and there is so much pain with
in me. I will never kill myself, but I know how to, it sort of gives me
permission not to need to do it. Life is good. Sitting at the beach at sunrise
drinking a cup of joe, watching the waves come in and go out. It puts things
into perspective, at least for me. This is the first time that I am letting some
of the pain out, and it's frigging about time too. Hope that this was ok to say?


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________________________________
From: Nick Arnett <narnett@...>
To: emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Saturday, June 27, 2009 4:04:40 PM
Subject: Re: [EMS Fire Police PTSD] I have a question that pertains to the VA





On Sat, Jun 27, 2009 at 3:44 PM, tommy g. <tootommy20032000@ yahoo.com>wrote:

> Did I tell you that I go to the long Beach, Ca. VA?
>

Ah... so you're covered by California law (I'm 99.9 percent sure that's true
even at the VA, despite the fact that it is a federal facility). If you
want to see the exact criteria, it's section 5150 of the state code. See

http://en.wikipedia .org/wiki/ 5150_(Involuntary_ psychiatric_ hold)

That's emergency psychiatric hold. There are other ways to go about
involuntary holds, you still have to pose a great danger to yourself or
others or be so insane that you can't function. I'm pretty sure that's not
you... ;-)

FYI, I'm up in Northern California. When I was a paramedic, I did a ton of
mental health emergency work, in Pennsylvania, where the law is similar.

Having said all this, I would beg anyone reading this who is considering
suicide to at least contact a suicide hotline to give yourself one more
chance. Remember that although there may not seem like any other solution
now, almost always things look better within a week or two. I've been
helping survivors of suicide a lot lately; it is so incredibly painful for
them.

And... for anyone who is worried that someone they know is suicidal - ask
them. You won't put the idea in their head. Ask them straight out, are you
thinking of killing yourself? Don't apologize, but perhaps explain that you
are worried about them and you just needed to make sure. If they are, get
them help! I did this a couple of years ago for the mother of one of our
KIAs from Iraq. It was hard to ask the question, but I was so worried about
her. She said she'd thought about it, standing by his memorial late at
night, but believes that she's still here on earth for a purpose, even
though she doesn't know what that is. It was a relief for us to get that out
in the open. Been there with my father, too, many years ago... that was also
a huge relief. He said he had thought about it, but couldn't put the people
around him through that pain.

Grim stuff, but I am so grateful that I've learned to face this crappy stuff
instead of bottling it up.

Nick

Nick

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