Hi Anita,
Like with many other problems, the fact that you realize you have one is the
first step in getting better.  Hopefully you can look through here and get some
tips on how we deal and cope and of course some will come and also suggest a few
things that have worked for them so you can consider them.
 
Most importantly is find your triggers.  My worst enemy lately is lack of
sleep.  My lung disease is kicking my ass and the meds wont let me get more than
2-3 hrs rest before I wake up.
 
Hang in there, we are here for support.
Reggie


--- On Sat, 3/7/09, anita_schatz <my-trash-can@...> wrote:

From: anita_schatz <my-trash-can@...>
Subject: [EMS Fire Police PTSD] I'm not a civil servant, but suffer from PTSD
because of the police
To: emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com
Date: Saturday, March 7, 2009, 9:01 AM

and other things that I've gone through involving the police. I've had
several traumatic things happen to me in my life of almost 57 years. I
was a rape victim at age 18, where the guy was not aprehended, that I
never really got over.

My nephew (more like my brother) was accidentally killed by a shotgun
blast to his head and I helped my father clean up the bloody mess in my
sister's house to spare her the trauma. I try to avoid thinking of it
because I re-live it all to frequently. The police were throwing up at
the scene.

The latest has lasted 12 years. My son married a mentally ill woman with
borderline personality disorder who has totally consumed our lives with
her violence. My son has been divorced from her for over 10 years but
because there is a child involved, she is always in our lives. She beat
my son unmercifully while they were together and after the divorce,
through fits of rage, came close to killing him on more than one
occasion. The latest one involved me 3 years ago. This incident is
the one I'm having the worst PTSD symptoms from. It's lasted 3 years,
has gotten more under control, but I still suffer daily and it is
debilitating and has affected my personal relationships with others. I
have horrible mood swings and can't control my temper at times. I scare
myself at how angry I can get. I used to be known as the sweet, gentle
soul in the family that everyone could come to with their problems.
Those days are gone. Now, I'm better known as Mrs. Job (from the
Bible).

I got the call from my son, saying he just managed to drag himself into
his house after his ex ran him down with her car (with his child in the
car witnessing it). I rushed to him after calling 911 (I was 1/2 hr
drive away, babysitting my other grandchildren with my husband). On the
way to his house I spotted his ex in her car parked a couple of blocks
from his house. I pulled next to her and got out and asked her what she
was doing there when she just hit him. She obviously left him lying in
the road and left the scene of the accident??? I was upset and she knew
it. She called the police on her cell and 2 cars that were at my son's
house, came screaming around the corner in a moment's notice, lights
flashing, to arrest ME!!! She lied, told them I was attacking her and
my son (her crazy ex) had attacked her and he jumped in front of her car
when she tried to escape him. LIES!!! That's what she does best. She
is an accomplished actress. She blows up over nothing, violently
attacks, then when the police show up, she turns into this pitiful,
helpless, 4'10" tall, little mother of 5 (all 5 have different
fathers...my son was her only husband).

Bottom line, the police believed her over us and began to arrest me and
told her to press charges against my son and she did!!!! I started
having a stroke (literally). I have a history of stress related strokes
from things she's done in the past, so I knew another one was coming.

Once, I just went to pick my grandchild up at the school for my son's
visitation, when she allerted the school that I was trying to abduct my
grandchild. I was detained and almost arrested that day. It upset me
so badly that I had a stroke 2 days later that hit the right side of my
brain and I now have lost my ability to spell, speak well, do math in my
head and my left side is weak, which disables me.

Back to this incident...I wound up in an ambulance along with my son who
was taken to the ER in another one. The whole thing was a nightmare!
To make it worse, she got away with it. I think that's why I can't get
over this incident. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't fight
of panic attacks because of this latest thing she did. I went for
counseling with SARC and my priest. SARC just listened to me cry but
the priest did the most good for me. That priest has been transferred
out of town, so I'm on my own again. He has a unique way of counseling
that no other psychiatrist or psychiatric counselor I've seen has.
He's
oriental...need I say more. Just his leaving town was traumatic for me.

It doesn't help that I have to come in contact with my son's ex on a
regular basis with the exchange of my granchild for my son's visitation.
My son hasn't been able to even pick his child up at her mother's for
visitation since the divorce because she and her insane mother (who they
live with) call the police to say he's stalking them. My son asked the
police and the police told him they would have to arrest him even though
he has custody papers saying he must pick his child up at that location.
Then he'd have to prove himself in court. So, my husband and my
retirement years are spent running our grandchild back and forth to her
mother's and standing guard over our son while she is with him. I
didn't mention that his ex has a crimal sociopath for a boyfriend who,
during the 6 1/2 years we spent in a custody battle, threatened his life
and my entire family's lives if he didn't turn his child over to his
ex.
We all had to have super survelience systems installed in our homes
because this guy would visit us, so to speak. We had to have police
escorts to court and I still look over my shoulder everywhere I go, in
fear of this guy. He even threathened the lives of my other son, his
pregnant wife and their 2 little girls, and my elderly mother, who lived
with us at the time. We had to move her to an undisclosed location
during this time for her safety. The judge knew all of this in court
and did nothing about it. I never had need for a cell phone until now.

My son, bye-the-way, was severely injured when she ran him down 3 years
ago and is almost totally disabled from it and is in chronic pain and
totally dependant on me and his Dad. I had to take him to NY (we're in
MD) for spine and disc surgery in Jan, and he needs cervical fusion
surgery in the future to re-attach his head to his neck, when it got
knocked loose by banging his head on the street when she hit him. He
hit the street so hard, his head bounced back up off the road.

I think you can see, that this is a nightmare that I just can't wake up
from. I re-live it daily.

Right now, just from writing this, I'm shaking so badly I'm having
trouble keeping my hands on the keyboard, my heart is pounding
irregularly, my head is getting a full feeling and lightheaded and I can
hear my pulse in my head, my right arm and hand is numb, tears are
running down my face, my extremeties are ice cold, my chest is tight and
I have a pain in the middle of my back, I'm getting a headache and I'm
having trouble focusing and thinking clearly now so I'll have to stop.
The rest of my day will be ruined because I wrote this. I never recover
in a day after getting this deeply emotional. Thank goodness for
spellcheck. You should see this mess.

I hate living like this and have prayed for God to take me from this
life and my husband tells me I'm wrong. I won't commit suicide because
I'm Catholic but I'm living in hell and my family doesn't really
like me
much anymore...they tolerate me. I want to be happy again and live a
normal live without fear. There is longevity in my family...my parents
lived into their late 80s and I don't want to live that long like this.
Any suggestions??? Please pray for us. [:((]



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