A sincere Thank you. I will try some of your ideas.

Peace

R <clipedwingangel@...> wrote:
There is not much I can provide in terms of advice other than tell
you what worked for me. As my PTSD got worse, I became, like you,
full of anger, fear and distrust as well as claustrophobic and
agoraphobic. There are still times that I CANNOT step outside my
house. Depression of course will make everything magnified and make
you less of a social person when accompanied by fear, distrust and
anger from PTSD because most people just dont want to complicate
their lives and stay to themselves.

Of course first you have to deal with your depression and cycling is
great to help kick up the endorphins that make you feel better.

Also, being outside in day light. Light deprivation has been known
to increase depression.

I did go through a period of not being social which I used to improve
myself and outlook on many of the issues that affected me: anxiety,
depression, etc. I read mostly online since I could not go to the
library. I read when I could not sleep and I read when I was well
enough to continue improving myself. There were times I could not
read and those times, I watch comedy! Foxworthy and the Blue Collar
stuff on the cable channel. A good laugh can go a long way.

Death, whether you have grieved or not and whether the person was
someone who when they passed was closed or not is something of a
heavy burden. Your exwife might have been Satan's sister but at some
point you did care for her, there was history and now that she has
gone, perhaps if you see how to put her life past you it can help.
There are many stages of grief and not everyone needs to
feel/experience all them, however, going through some of them might
bring you closer.

I was not able to attend my father's funeral today because I had not
been able to make travel arrangements fast enough to travel from the
middle of the country to the coast which takes almost a day to
connect to flight to get me to Puerto Rico in time to drive 3 hrs to
be there on time. I still wrote my letter, faxed it to the funeral
home, their fax wouldnt work but it brought me some closure. Once my
thoughts were put on paper, my feelings were out and I know although
he did not acknowledge them because he was gone, he probably knows
how I feel. That for me was some closure. In life, I made a great
attempt at being a good daughter and acted like a great person with
very high expectations. The distance either by space or perspectives
didnt allow us a great deal of time since 9/11. Some day, if we meet
we can have a discussion about it.

We are here to listen, share and learn from each other. I am sorry
you had to endure what you did. I hope for us both, life gets
better. Just remember the people you might come across in life arent
your enemy and some can be trusted so at times its ok to close the
door, just dont always lock it. Some nice might want to come in.
Perhaps you have some perspective they can learn from.
Reggie

--- In emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com, "treefire_1"
<treefire_1@...> wrote:
>
> Anyone else out there avoid other people like they are death
> themselves? Ok, here is my issue. Child abuse/neglect, mostly
> emotional. An abusive twenty year marriage to satans sister,
> (seriously..lol..) who just died from meth basically. She fell
asleep
> at the wheel after being up two nights in a row. Thank God she
didn't
> take any innocents with her. I was forced by the judge when we
> divorced ten years ago, to pay alimony. I said I would but only if
> she got tested for drugs. Judge didn't like that so he basically
> ordered me to pay her to kill herself. The alimony was just enough
to
> support her addiction, not work and get pregnant (had an abortion)
at
> 48 years old from her tweeker boyfriend, and put her children and
me
> through hell for the past ten years. My kids were very confused by
> her death, as they felt great relief, as well as love and loss. I
> told them, with her, these are normal reactions. I felt little if
> anything. My psychiatrist says that is what PTSD is all about-
numbing
> and fear. My twelve year career in EMS/FIRE in one of the most
> violent cities in the country was the second chronic "cause" of the
> PTSD, as I saw the most incomprehensible stuff humans do to each
> other. Since I had suffered some abuse as a child, I wanted to be
the
> hero when I grew up to save children like me. I saved some, but not
> all. That was the first "cause". The third was my horrible
marriage,
> with lots of cheating and drugs on her part, and me loving her and
> yelling alot. I was injured on the job, and have had eight
surgeries
> over the years, with always "one more to get". My issue now is not
> wanting anything to do with anyone. I almost killed a co-worker a
> year and a half ago, and was fired for insubordination when I
called
> the boss an @#%$hole, because he would not aknowledge the bullying
at
> work I was getting. I just responded to the bullying. Enough! I
have
> had no social contact since I moved to Oregon a year ago, other
than
> occasionally visiting my son. None, zippo. I feel only a few
things.
> Anger, fear and distrust. That is it. Anger fear distrust, based on
> my life, not a neurosis. Anxiety and severe depression is
controlled
> by meds as well. I have been told to force myself to be more social
> by my shrink, but I think I could be a danger to others. I try, but
> frequently get into shouting matches with strangers. I feel like
> everyone just doesn't get it, they never will, they all are
> nincompoops, arrogant and ignorant, and I just can't understand
their
> need to be social. I have become an !@@#hole. A grumpy bitter
> solitary bicyclist. I see no other way. Any suggestions? Please, no
> advice to become more social ok? My heart goes out to all of you,
if
> I had one.
>
> Peace please now.
>
> clayton
>






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