i think most of us have gone through that desire to just be left
alone. for some people it lasts longer then others. for me it was
about 3 years. i went to work an nothing else. i worked in a call
center so i did not really have to dealwith anyone face to face.
ate my lunch alone at my desk and in general avoided anything more
then innane chatter about how hot it was outside (i was living in
phoenix at the time) i did not make friends, i did not go out. to a
point i still live that way. i have found a small core group of
friends who do understand me (some from this group) and i visit with
them when i can. other then that i decided to go back to school, i
thoght this would make me more social, it didn't. i spend a lot of
time with my nose burried in books (like i should be doing right
now) i have a few people i am "friends" with on campus - but in
general most of the people i meet there are shallow insignificant
blips on the timeline that is life.

i am not going to tell you to just go out and be social, because for
people with PTSD that is hard to do. many of us have problems with
large groups (self included), loud noises (self inclusive again),
and in general ignorant people (oh god they are the worst).

what i have found for me is that i almost feel like i lead a double
life at times. i have the people who know me and know about my ptsd
that i can share when i am having a bad day or when i just need to
vent (feel free to share bad days here and vent as long as you curb
the language, we do have some sensitive members) -
i also have a seperate life though with the people from school
because i found i share somethig in common with them (a love of
history), but with them i do not discuss anything that has anything
remotely to do with this group. they all know i was an EMT, they
know i am not anymore, they all know i hate going to night clubs
(which they blame on my not drinking and night blindness), they know
i tend to stay to myself and keep my nose in the books (and online).

when ever you feel like a stranger is annoying you bad enough that
you wanna throttle them - just remember you can walk away. although
sometimes it can be fun to argue with them - just remind yourself
they are not worth the aggrevation. it takes more to walk away from
a fight then it does to confront it - but in the end it is worth it
when you leave them standing there yelling at your back - revealing
them for the real loser that they are

My suggestion is - you will be social, when you are ready to, and
when you find the right people to socialize with.

for now do what you love, which from the sounds of it is bicycling.
have you considered joining something like the leukemia & lymphoma
team in training? it is something you do alone, or in a small
group, where you can choose to be as social or not social as you
would like. you set a mark and collect donations, when you reach
your goal you get to ride in the team in training grueling bike
ride. a professor at my school is participating now trying to reach
her goal of $4500 to ride this summer. she is the only one in our
area doing it, she rides alone 15-20 miles every day, and she
promotes her donation page online, where she does not have to deal
with idiots in person. she has also via email or phone contacted
local busniesses who are supporting her. it's just a thought,
sometimes helping someone else, can really help yourself.



--- In emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com, "treefire_1"
<treefire_1@...> wrote:
>
> Anyone else out there avoid other people like they are death
> themselves? Ok, here is my issue. Child abuse/neglect, mostly
> emotional. An abusive twenty year marriage to satans sister,
> (seriously..lol..) who just died from meth basically. She fell
asleep
> at the wheel after being up two nights in a row. Thank God she
didn't
> take any innocents with her. I was forced by the judge when we
> divorced ten years ago, to pay alimony. I said I would but only if
> she got tested for drugs. Judge didn't like that so he basically
> ordered me to pay her to kill herself. The alimony was just enough
to
> support her addiction, not work and get pregnant (had an abortion)
at
> 48 years old from her tweeker boyfriend, and put her children and
me
> through hell for the past ten years. My kids were very confused by
> her death, as they felt great relief, as well as love and loss. I
> told them, with her, these are normal reactions. I felt little if
> anything. My psychiatrist says that is what PTSD is all about-
numbing
> and fear. My twelve year career in EMS/FIRE in one of the most
> violent cities in the country was the second chronic "cause" of
the
> PTSD, as I saw the most incomprehensible stuff humans do to each
> other. Since I had suffered some abuse as a child, I wanted to be
the
> hero when I grew up to save children like me. I saved some, but
not
> all. That was the first "cause". The third was my horrible
marriage,
> with lots of cheating and drugs on her part, and me loving her and
> yelling alot. I was injured on the job, and have had eight
surgeries
> over the years, with always "one more to get". My issue now is not
> wanting anything to do with anyone. I almost killed a co-worker a
> year and a half ago, and was fired for insubordination when I
called
> the boss an @#%$hole, because he would not aknowledge the bullying
at
> work I was getting. I just responded to the bullying. Enough! I
have
> had no social contact since I moved to Oregon a year ago, other
than
> occasionally visiting my son. None, zippo. I feel only a few
things.
> Anger, fear and distrust. That is it. Anger fear distrust, based
on
> my life, not a neurosis. Anxiety and severe depression is
controlled
> by meds as well. I have been told to force myself to be more
social
> by my shrink, but I think I could be a danger to others. I try,
but
> frequently get into shouting matches with strangers. I feel like
> everyone just doesn't get it, they never will, they all are
> nincompoops, arrogant and ignorant, and I just can't understand
their
> need to be social. I have become an !@@#hole. A grumpy bitter
> solitary bicyclist. I see no other way. Any suggestions? Please,
no
> advice to become more social ok? My heart goes out to all of you,
if
> I had one.
>
> Peace please now.
>
> clayton
>