Anyone else out there avoid other people like they are death
themselves? Ok, here is my issue. Child abuse/neglect, mostly
emotional. An abusive twenty year marriage to satans sister,
(seriously..lol..) who just died from meth basically. She fell asleep
at the wheel after being up two nights in a row. Thank God she didn't
take any innocents with her. I was forced by the judge when we
divorced ten years ago, to pay alimony. I said I would but only if
she got tested for drugs. Judge didn't like that so he basically
ordered me to pay her to kill herself. The alimony was just enough to
support her addiction, not work and get pregnant (had an abortion) at
48 years old from her tweeker boyfriend, and put her children and me
through hell for the past ten years. My kids were very confused by
her death, as they felt great relief, as well as love and loss. I
told them, with her, these are normal reactions. I felt little if
anything. My psychiatrist says that is what PTSD is all about-numbing
and fear. My twelve year career in EMS/FIRE in one of the most
violent cities in the country was the second chronic "cause" of the
PTSD, as I saw the most incomprehensible stuff humans do to each
other. Since I had suffered some abuse as a child, I wanted to be the
hero when I grew up to save children like me. I saved some, but not
all. That was the first "cause". The third was my horrible marriage,
with lots of cheating and drugs on her part, and me loving her and
yelling alot. I was injured on the job, and have had eight surgeries
over the years, with always "one more to get". My issue now is not
wanting anything to do with anyone. I almost killed a co-worker a
year and a half ago, and was fired for insubordination when I called
the boss an @#%$hole, because he would not aknowledge the bullying at
work I was getting. I just responded to the bullying. Enough! I have
had no social contact since I moved to Oregon a year ago, other than
occasionally visiting my son. None, zippo. I feel only a few things.
Anger, fear and distrust. That is it. Anger fear distrust, based on
my life, not a neurosis. Anxiety and severe depression is controlled
by meds as well. I have been told to force myself to be more social
by my shrink, but I think I could be a danger to others. I try, but
frequently get into shouting matches with strangers. I feel like
everyone just doesn't get it, they never will, they all are
nincompoops, arrogant and ignorant, and I just can't understand their
need to be social. I have become an !@@#hole. A grumpy bitter
solitary bicyclist. I see no other way. Any suggestions? Please, no
advice to become more social ok? My heart goes out to all of you, if
I had one.

Peace please now.

clayton