These days, the only direct connection I have to emergency services is as a
member of the Bay Area CISM Team, based in Santa Clara, California, where I
live. I was a paramedic 25 years ago in the Pittsburgh, Pa. area. The
hardest incidents for me, the ones that contributed to my PTSD, were triage
situations at automobile accidents where I was first on the scene -- one at
Yellowstone Park, where I was working, the other about 50 miles south of
where I live now. But there are also other times that I have come to realize
are also difficult... a guy who committed suicide by stepping in front of a
car on a freeway, a fire rescue that went bad and the victim dropped about
one story to the sidewalk, landing on his face, basically, about 10 feet
from where I was standing... and others. For the last year, I've been making
list, mostly because it's so easy for me to block the memories.

I woke up to my PTSD about 10 years ago after my best friend's son suffered
for six months and then died from a brain tumor at age 2. I'll never forget
starting to talk to a counselor about his DNR orders and bursting out
crying, totally unexpectedly. Helplessness and the feeling of being out of
control are the tough parts. Two years ago on this Tuesday, my niece married
a U.S. Marine who had already served one tour in Iraq. The day before their
wedding, I talked to him about how it's been for me, dealing with the times
when I was supposed to be in control, in charge, but feeling helpless while
others suffered and died, letting him know that there's somebody else in the
family who has an idea of what it's like. I'll never forget how his eyes met
mind and he nodded when I said the word "helpless." Last September 11th,
while we were remembering that lousy anniversary, he was on a plane back to
Iraq after volunteering for a second tour. Last November 10th, somebody in
Fallujah blew him to bits with a rocket-powered grenade. His death hit me
way harder than I'dever have imagined. I'm still struggling with how to
respond, but I'm also grateful that by triggering me so much, it pushed me
into dealing with all this stuff even more. Next week, I'm scheduling my own
debriefings for the two accidents I mentioned above (it's never too late for
a debriefing -- the Yellowstone thing was 25 years ago!). I've also been
doing a story-telling project with other Bay Area families that lost loved
ones in the war, which we'll premier here and in New York City this year on
Veterans Day.

We honor one another with our stories and we help one another heal. There is
a terrible lack of safe story-telling in our society, which is why we need
to structure things like CIS debriefings and the "Fallen Heroes" stories
that I've been doing with others.

So... that's me.

Nick

On 10/9/05, Stephanie <amstar1212@...> wrote:
>
> Nick.
>
> I have found a therapist who specailizes in this and does EMDR. I've
> only done it a couple of times so far, so I can't really speak to
> much about it yet, but I'm doing everything I can do and I am making
> new connections, etc. I had one meeting with two people from a CISM
> team of over 30 that are local to my area. a mental health worker
> and a paramedic. So tell me, what do you do, where are you from, and
> how did you come to be on this site?
> Stephanie
>
>
--
Nick Arnett
narnett@...
Messages: 408-904-7198


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