I think you are one of the bravest persons for going back. It
took me 10 years to take that step. I'm glad that you found someone
to share it with. The Lord works in special ways, someways are in
the unexpected gifts.

I know that when i went back to OKC i found confort when I saw
the families putting flowers and items of importance on the chairs.
It reminded me of the facts it was bigger than me and for the first
time i realized how important we (the rescuers) were to them. It
also gave me a gult for even having the PTSD. I still could not walk
around without flashing back or smelling the building.

Going back has changed me the same as working at the sight. The
nightmares have gotten worse for me same of the visions and
preminsions but when i feel things starting I have some of the most
beutiful visions to consentrate on. In a small way I'm starting to
find pease with it.


--- In emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com, "crquijote"
<Clipedwingangel@a...> wrote:
> I think I have entered a new chapter in my recovery. As part of a
> project funded by grants, a college in Florida decided to make a
film
> to help better train new EMT's and First Responders. I agreed to
> participate and so did my friend Bonnie who had a more dangerous,
more
> extensive exposure to the events at the WTC on 9/11.
>
> I have posted photos of my journey and what Ground Zero looks like
now.
> The four photos show us at the Railroad, then at the foot of
Ground
> Zero with two sailors from the USS Carr. The other two pictures
are
> Building 7 WTC under construction and the pitt under construction
now
> built up to ground level.
>
> This was an incredible journey for me of revisiting my demons,
> reliving my nightmares and facing images that might trigger things
> that would propell me back into hell.
>
> It was an agonizing difficult decision but I feel I am better for
it
> and shed some of my images by replacing with new ones. Fresh
growth,
> New Hope, another step in my recovering, facing my fears and more
> importantly, meeting new people who would now help me in my
recovery
> in ways they might never know.
>
> On the return flight, while waiting at JFK, I phoned home to tell
them
> how difficult it had been, how I had been unable to sleep, how
> exhausted emotionally I was and how I have cried my eyes out.
> A young man seated a few seats away was listening to my
conversation,
> after all at 4:30 am there was not much else to do!
>
> He was a 70th Floor survivor, who had walked down and out of Tower
1.
> He may never know how much help he provided me by just letting me
know
> he was on the plane, he had survived the horror and sharing his
story.
> Leaving NY is always very difficult for me. It was my birth place
and
> it's been my home. I was leaving behind my family once again,
most of
> whom did not know I had flown in for 36 hrs to be part of this
project.
> PTSD has made me change in ways my family, friends and sometimes
even
> I dont understand. That young man gave me hope, made me think and
> helped me by talking to me at a moment when I was amidst a panic
> attack, nearly frozen in my chair. An angel coming to turn the
light
> back on among the dust, debris, the lost and the injured.
>
> I now have a new sound to replace some of the sounds I heard that
> day. A soft, self assured voice, calm and poised from a
survivor.
> The first NON-SERVICE person I have met.
>
> He said the evacuation was like a school fire drill. I will carry
his
> image in my head forever to replace that of Fr Judge and that of
the
> other horrors I experienced. He brought me hope and was like a
flower
> growing in a garden smiling.
>
> I finally slept last night.
>
> I wish you all peace.
> Reggie