When I was down at Ground Zero, there was a long period of time that
I accepted I was going to die soon. It was hard to not believe
otherwise. Sometimes, I even think that when I am in a train or a
large public place that if something happens that if I die, it's
OK. I tried to explain that to my therapist and he didn't get it.
I wasn't sure that is a PTSD reaction or because of what I do for a
living and the reality of it. I don't know.

Another question I had for the group -

Do you find yourself changing and watching those who are very
mentally ill not changing and even though you care about them, you
have a hard time being around them? I'm curious because I am
finding myself backing away from others because I see them not
realizing their illness and projecting their feelings onto me.
Having others try to project thier feelings onto me is very
uncomfortable so I do everything I can not to be around them or
listen to them, partly because they completely lack the ability to
provide me support although I support(ed) them emotionally. I have
no idea if I am making any sense. At any rate, talk soon.

Michelle
--- In emsfirepoliceptsd@yahoogroups.com, iiovelife <no_reply@y...>
wrote:
>
> reggie, have you tried to get a phone with a different style
ringer,
> like one that plays a song??? spencer gifts normally has then or
try
> ebay for maybe a phone that plays a song and maybe flashes colors
> instead of a normal ring, which may remind you of a pager or alarm
> going off...
>
> michelle, your fears are normal there are people who were not even
at
> WTC or pentagon who still fear going into large venues like sport
> arenas, subways, busses, casinos and such...that will take time.
> when i wasyounger i was a club kid i spent 5-6 nights a week in
> packed clubs dancing the night away...now i cant be in a small
store
> if there are too many people or even go down a crowded isle at a
> grocery store. i was never clausterphobic before, but i have
> developed it as part of the ptsd...i learned to tell myself over
and
> over it is ok, no one is trying to hurt me, i will be
ok...sometimes
> i even catch myself saying it out loud.
>
> i have also learned to deal with the death and i have decided that
> when it is my time to go, it is my time to go. everyone is here
for
> a purpose, when you have fulfilled that purpose then you get to
move
> on, to heaven, to the summerland, to reincarnation where ever it
is
> you believe you will go after life. i will be reincarnated, my
> grandfather wentto heaven...that is where he wanted to go it is
where
> i want to go. sometimes people are called up at we percieve to be
> before their time, that is simply not true. it was thier time, it
> was not our time. smetimes it is hard to accept that someone is
> gone, but what i try to remember to do is look back at thier life
and
> all the things they taught us. it is ok to cry for someone who is
> gone...it is ok to laugh at the memories you shared with them and
> about them...it is ok to feel nothing...that was the hardest for
me
> learning to say what i am feeling is OK...just remind yourself
that
> it is ok to be sad scared or happy...you will start feeling
yourself
> again it takes time...ok since i am still on this insane pay per
> minute dial up i gotta run!!!!