This is a great description. I totally agree that victims of emotional abusers
often feel a lot of shame and strongly mixed emotions about their abusers, and
can and do become very attached and bonded to them.

Abusers make their victims feel guilty. They justify what they do as "simply
trying to help" or "improve" or "teach lessons" or "solve problems" or "fix"
something about the victim. The key is that the abuser will discount, not ask,
ignore feedback, mock, ridicule or minimize the target's person, feelings and
wishes.

Emotional abusers do not apologize when they are confronted. Often they turn it
around and claim that they are the victim by virture of being confronted. Or
they will have an excuse that something unrelated put them in a bad mood and
that is the "cause" of their behavior towards the victim. Or they will
apologize, but lacks sincerity--often in a childish sing-songy tone or a clever
non-apology ("I'm sorry that YOU feel that I offended you"--as opposed to "I'm
sorry I offended you." Or they will try and change the subject off what the
victim is expressing and back onto some other "fault" of the victim.

When emotional abuse is done in front of others, it is the presence of these
others that helps keeps victim in denial, confused and weak. An abuser depends
upon these feelings to keep control over their victim. The victim will be
abused and feel intense humiliation and embarassment, but the victim doesn't
want to "create a scene" or be accused of "overreacting" by either the abuser or
the witnesses--so they keep silent, or pretend that the abuser "didn't mean it"
or there must be a "misunderstanding" or that they shouldn't answer "rudeness
with rudeness."

Often there is a tiny, tiny grain of truth in the accusations of the abusers
towards the victim. An abuser will take that tiny grain and turn it into a
supposed major character flaw of the victim. Over time, a victim may come to
agree with the abuser that yes, they do have this major character flaw, and it
is a horrible, terrible thing that needs the abuser's constant vigilance and
correction.

The victim will then act this flaw out in an exaggerated manner, repeatedly,
trying to prove to themselves that the abuser cares about them and giving the
abuser something concrete to focus on. This is an unconscious means of
self-protection by the victim, done in the hopes that they can exert some
control over the abuser by giving them a focus for their abuse. This doesn't
work. Once the "flaw" is corrected, or the abuser becomes bored, the abuser
will find something else to pick apart about the victim.

My recommendation is to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia
Evans. Lots of great info.



Susan Furness <fabfurness1@...> wrote:

dear Victoria, you wnat to more about emotional abuse,
It's taken me over 20 years to figure this horrible
action of abuse. And I'm steal learning more
everyday. I have been emotional abuse beyond word
could ever descibe. Emotional abuse is behavoir that
attemps to undermine anothet person's safty,worth,or
authonomy. Emotional abuse attempt to make another
person feel dependent , afraid, guikty, confused,
emabarred, unworthy.or helpless. To accomplish, they
often use such behavors as verbao harassment,put
downs,intimidation excessive criticism and blame.
Emotional abuse can be compared with internaional
brainwashing. Emotional abusers usually leave vitiums
confused, weak,depresed, angry, and numb, with unclear
thinking- yet loyal to their abusers, hoping the
abusive behavoir will change

The first step that is vital is freeing yourself from
the abuse. IDENIFY ABUSE IS THE FIRST STEP TO FREEING
YOURSELF FROM DANGER.
>
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