Funny that I just found this group. HEre is my story in format of an
email that I had just sent to my best friend about 10 minutes ago...
please read it and PLEASE give me advice. I'm a computer programmer
and I have to do this thing called eXtreme Programming, where we pair
program and have to work closely together. I am the only female in a
group of many men.

here is the letter I wrote:

I need some advice...Work is stressing me out. I was on this project
yesterday working with this other coworker and he was yelling at me,
giving me the finger, etc. When really, he could have just pointed
out that my tabs weren't getting translated to spaces in the editor
he was using. This isn't a one time thing, he yells at me all of the
time, flips me off all of the time too.

He calls me names like 'knucklehead' and that he'll 'f*cking smack'
me or something to that effect if he gets frustrated. I know that I
should snap back and say something mean, but you know me I'm
practically useless when it comes to defending myself. I look at it
as - I won't stoop to his level. I also don't want to say anything
in fear that I will lose credibility here because I work really hard
to fit in with this group of guys. If I stop being a 'guy' then I
won't get any respect and I"ll be pushed outta the loop and become
unwanted - which could cost me my job. I know that this probably
sounds ridiculous but I am really a good programmer and I'm very good
at what I do, I don't know if I should go to my boss and ask hiim for
advice or what, but this is seriously effecting me. I'm becoming
depressed, and less interested in coming in to work. I complain
about it to Dusan all of the time. The part that really irks me is
that my company is fully aware of this guy's attitude problem. The
client that we are at really doesn't like talking to him, because he
pretty much calls all of the idiots to their face. Plus, one time in
a meeting they put up 'rules of meeting etiquette' so that he
wouldn't point at people and call them names. I don't know what to
do. I want to take a professional approach, without becoming
an 'outsider', without offending anyone, and without causing any type
of scene. Last time I went to my company I complained about one of
my coworkers because he was threatening to shoot everyone in teh
building, plus he had a gun in his car. He got fired the next
morning. That incident cost me the trust of other coworkers because
they felt that he didnt deserve to get let go because of that. I
don't want this to happen again.