I commend you on stepping up to the plate, and taking charge of your
own life. I deal with family issues almost on a daily basis, so I
have a pretty good idea where your coming from. Not many people can
accept the source of emotional abuse when it's been their own parents
causing it the whole time. In my line of work we tend to get very
cynical and see things in black and white so I apologize if I sound a
little rough. I dont mean to rock the boat, but does your husband
know of your parents "habits"? I see either a lack of integrity on
his part becoming a peace officer and knowing this, or you being very
careful about what you tell your husband. Either way with a child
involved it sounds to me like there are some SERIOUS priority issues
here on both your parts. If it were up to me, my children would be
my first concern. Unless your parents sought some in-depth counseling
they'd be the last influence I'd want on her. Look at it this way
which would you rather do, leave her with a complete stranger, or
leave her with people who you know through your own experience will
cause her harm? All I'm saying is that for the sake of at least your
child if not yourself (and your marriage I'd think) I'd do whatever
it took to remove that danger from my life. I'm not saying never talk
to your parents again, I'm simply suggesting that you get your head
straight, your ducks in a row, and establish some strict boundaries
IF you try to make amends with them. Otherwise you'd just be
perpetuating the cycle of abuse, and this time passing it on to your
own daughter...Dunno just my 2 cents

--- In emotionalabuse@yahoogroups.com, "Tawny Knudsen"
<tawnyguerra@y...> wrote:
>
> I'm contemplating starting counceling regarding my parents and I
> wanted a nonprofessional opinion to take with me.
>
> I'm 27 years old and had a little girl 3 weeks ago. I've always
had
> a somewhat tumultuous relationship with my parents. My mother and
I
> were extremely close. My father have been close, and then not.
They
> have never suspected anything wrong between me and them because I
> have always been quick to say "its ok" every time something went
> horribly wrong. When I moved out of the house and began trying to
> make a life for myself, I noticed I was completely incapable of
> having normal relationships with people. I never had friends in
> school, but my parents were never really condusive to that as they
> never let me go anywhere, discouraged my participation in
> extracurricular activities, and commonly had problems with the few
> friends I did bring home. I've never known the rest of my family
due
> to the fact that my Dad is not particulary fond of any of his
> sisters. My ears were commonly filled with everything bad about
> them. My mom's side of the family lived in another state, and I
> spent very few days with them. I became very close with my Mom's
> Mom, but anymore I can't remember why. I was her favorite, but I
was
> only 14 when she died. It would seem, whether my parents meant it
or
> not, I was completely isolated from anyone but them.
>
> I've been examining my life with them for some time, and I began
> believing that things were very wrong when I was 16. I began
> suffering from depression after my Grandmother died, but never told
> them because I was often told that depression was the result of a
> spoiled kid and they didn't believe it existed. I felt that I was
a
> horrible person because every day I woke was a dissappointment. I
> didn't finally attempt suicide until I was 20, but I spent that six
> years hating myself. I even hated myself for not having the
courage
> to end it all. No part of me wanted to pin those feelings on my
> parents, there was little else in life that could have caused it.
>
> Here are some things that have stuck in my relationship with my
> parents.
>
> When I was very young, my father used to pinch my butt. This
became
> very embarrasing to me, and my father said I could always talk to
him
> about anything. When I asked him to stop, he accused me of not
> loving him. He told that was how he showed his love. On top of
> everything, he didn't stop. I just made myself very unavailable to
> him until he finally did stop.
>
> He used to tickle me, and if I got angry about it, he tickled me
> worse. I remember one time getting angry enough that I was able to
> stop laughing and I sat down on the floor. He stopped and never
did
> it again. I never felt so horrible because this is apparently how
he
> showed his love, but I did not like it.
>
> I was at a mcdonalds and told to stay at the table. I was not very
> old at all. I had to go to the bathroom, and I had already been
> spanked for wetting my pants. I got up and went to the bathroom,
so
> I got a spanking for not staying.
>
> My father has often made comments about women who wear revealing
> clothing deserving to get raped. I was 12 or so the first time he
> told me that.
>
> Everytime he has ever been in a bad mood, I've been scared. I can
> not make jokes with him because he may take offense. For instance,
> he offered to take my husband at that time and I out for dinner.
We
> had, earlier, been speaking about his financial difficulties, and
> when he said "what about the steakhouse", I said "na, you're
already
> 50K in debt" He went off on me and then decided to not stay the
> night. He cried, he always cries. He cries so much tears don't
> affect me like they should. My own daughters tears barely make an
> impact.
>
> When I was sixteen he listened in on my phone conversation. He
came
> in on the tail end of a conversation. I was telling my then
> boyfriend that I was very lucky. While he had been beaten
repeatedly
> by his own father, all my father ever did was yell at me. Yell, to
> me, means the same as scolding. All my father heard was the last
> part I'm guessing. He stormed into my room, took the phone away,
and
> began screaming at me. I was forbidden to go anywhere except to
work
> or school. I remember curling up into a little ball. I didn't
even
> do anything wrong.
>
> When I was 17, I apparently entered a dark period in my life
> according to my father. I was attempting to go places without my
> parents, and this apparently was wrong. I came in 30 mins late to
a
> curfew I didn't even know I had. I'm still trying to figure out
how
> I was a bad kid.
>
> Oh, I guess I should mention that my parents have been avid drug
> users since before I was born. Marijuana mostly. I remember a
time
> when they were on Cocaine. I used to play with baby powder, a
> mirror, and anything that looked like a razor. Currently they grow
> and distribute marijanua and still see nothing wrong with thier
> actions.
>
> When my grandmother was dying, he drank a gallon of vodka on the
way
> to the hospital which was several hundred miles away. He was
driving
> and could barely keep the car in the same lane. My mother
wouldn't
> even tell him to stop driving. When we stopped for gas, I asked
him
> not to drive. I don't remember what he said to me, but I know he
> made me feel like shit. Something about his own daughter not
> trusting him. My mother did drive, but he made her drive at 55
when
> the speed limit was 65. I think she held it against me sometimes.
> Because of it, we missed my grandmother dying by only a few hours.
> Sometimes I wish he would have wrecked and killed me, then maybe he
> would understand. I told him it was ok, but it wasn't. If he was
> ever going to change, he should have changed that day. He never
> should have drank again, and he should have put the drugs away.
>
> Current Situation
>
> My current husband and I have been married for a year and a half,
and
> we have been together for 2. I left my first husband due to the
fact
> that I became so depressed I attempted suicide again. He didn't
> care, and didn't want to help. I believed going back to school
would
> be a solution to my depression, but he shot that down because he
> didn't have anyone to take care of his snakes. My current husband
> was there to pick up the pieces. My father held the fact that
> he "took another mans wife" against him for all this time, at the
> same time pretending everything was great. When I was 9 months
> pregnant, he decided to get drunk while they were staying at my
> house. He sat there and asked me to leave with him and have the
baby
> at his house because he would be financially able to take care of
me
> in a year or so. I was completely confused. Then he told me he
was
> leaving because some people just didn't understand what it was like
> to have a hard time or something like that. I still didn't
> understand what was going on. He was walking out my door when he
> turned on my husband. He went on about how he wanted to fight him
> and they could step out in the parking lot and take care of this.
He
> finally turned around and left. My mother came back, apologizing
> saying sometimes he just gets like this or something, then my
father
> came back and continued to try and instigate a fight. I've never
> seen the man look so angry. My husband (a Sheriff's Deputy in
> training himself) finally called the police to get rid of him. Lee
> (my husband) had been distant that day, but we were having
> difficulties, both financial and emotional. The stress of work and
> Lee's academy made things a little stretched at our house. My
father
> hangs on to the fact that my husband never told him to leave and
> holds the fact he called the police against him. Lee called the
> police to avoid a physical altercation, which it was very obvious
> thats what my dad wanted.
>
> My husband, who was close with my father before that, now wants
> nothing to do with my family at all. He does not want to cut me
off
> from them, but insists that I start standing up to them. A large
> part of me just wanted to say its ok and let it go, but another
part
> of me could not do that to my husband. My father can make all the
> excuses he wants, but he was wrong, there was no reason to do that
to
> him or I.
>
> After I had my girl, an event I dreaded, my father was thankfully
> absent for most of the time. The little bit he was there was most
> uncomfortable. He is obviously still angry where he has no right
to
> be. I have yet to be able to come to terms with it, as I don't
> understand why. Plus, he seems to think he is justified and
> continues to bash my husband every time he talks about him. I've
> tried to tell him its alright in an attempt to make myself believe
> such, but I can't let it go this time as I have before. I have not
> let my husband talk to my father either.
>
> My mother started coming by constantly, which is interesting
> considering they live 300 miles away. They called and said they
> would be by again on a sunday. My mom has seen Autumn (my
daughter)
> almost more than my husband, who spends six days a week at the
police
> academy. When they did not show up or call that Sunday, I figured
> that they had opted not to come. I got a call at 9:30 Monday
morning
> telling me they were on their way. I now work from home and I did
> not feel like putting up with the tension that I have to deal with
> every time they are around now. I told my mom "sorry, I'm working
> today." My father called back pissed as hell and decides that I am
> not letting him see his grandaughter anymore. I never said that, I
> just didn't want them coming by that day. They were there to see
my
> niece anyway, not me. I was just a side trip. He went off on Lee,
> saying that this was his decision, that I was wrong for sticking by
> it and that I would regret it. Again, all I did was refuse to see
> them that day. I had no plans for company, I did not want it.
> Everything else came up though, all because I said NO. At first he
> told me they were coming over anyway, then retracted. Then he
talked
> about how Lee had disrespected his family first, and thats why he
got
> drunk in our house, and disrespected me and my own that night. He
> continued to call over the next 3 hours, I'm not sure why. I made
it
> apparent I was not letting them come over that day. Finally he
said
> that we were through, and made it apparent that he no longer wanted
> to talk to or see me. On a side note my mother even sank low enough
> as to use my dead grandmother against me in an attempt to induce a
> guilt trip to get me to cave. All of this because for the first
time
> in his life somebody in his family stood their ground and told him
no.
>
>
> I'm lucky, my Husband's family is very good and has decided to
adopt
> me completely. They absolutely love me and our little girl, and
they
> have done so much for us I could never concievably repay them. I'm
> stuck with this giant hole now. I didn't want to lose my
> relationship with my Mother, but I would still have to cowtow to my
> father. I don't know how to handle all the mixed emotions I am
left
> with now. At least I don't have to dread thier visits anymore, but
> little Autumn has lost a set of Grandparents. Although, how could
I
> leave Autumn with them. What if my father acted with her as he did
> with me? I'm so lost.