Wow. It's no wonder you are lost. Sounds like you've lived in an emotionally
hostile environment all your life. But it sounds like you're on the right track.

I'm just coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship with an ex-partner. I
started counselling about 6 months ago and it changed my life. It's even helped
me recognize unhealthy patterns with and between my parents.

I would suggest that to you. For both yourself and your young daughter. She'll
benefit from having a strong mom.

Take care.

Tawny Knudsen <tawnyguerra@...> wrote:

I'm contemplating starting counceling regarding my parents and I
wanted a nonprofessional opinion to take with me.

I'm 27 years old and had a little girl 3 weeks ago. I've always had
a somewhat tumultuous relationship with my parents. My mother and I
were extremely close. My father have been close, and then not. They
have never suspected anything wrong between me and them because I
have always been quick to say "its ok" every time something went
horribly wrong. When I moved out of the house and began trying to
make a life for myself, I noticed I was completely incapable of
having normal relationships with people. I never had friends in
school, but my parents were never really condusive to that as they
never let me go anywhere, discouraged my participation in
extracurricular activities, and commonly had problems with the few
friends I did bring home. I've never known the rest of my family due
to the fact that my Dad is not particulary fond of any of his
sisters. My ears were commonly filled with everything bad about
them. My mom's side of the family lived in another state, and I
spent very few days with them. I became very close with my Mom's
Mom, but anymore I can't remember why. I was her favorite, but I was
only 14 when she died. It would seem, whether my parents meant it or
not, I was completely isolated from anyone but them.

I've been examining my life with them for some time, and I began
believing that things were very wrong when I was 16. I began
suffering from depression after my Grandmother died, but never told
them because I was often told that depression was the result of a
spoiled kid and they didn't believe it existed. I felt that I was a
horrible person because every day I woke was a dissappointment. I
didn't finally attempt suicide until I was 20, but I spent that six
years hating myself. I even hated myself for not having the courage
to end it all. No part of me wanted to pin those feelings on my
parents, there was little else in life that could have caused it.

Here are some things that have stuck in my relationship with my
parents.

When I was very young, my father used to pinch my butt. This became
very embarrasing to me, and my father said I could always talk to him
about anything. When I asked him to stop, he accused me of not
loving him. He told that was how he showed his love. On top of
everything, he didn't stop. I just made myself very unavailable to
him until he finally did stop.

He used to tickle me, and if I got angry about it, he tickled me
worse. I remember one time getting angry enough that I was able to
stop laughing and I sat down on the floor. He stopped and never did
it again. I never felt so horrible because this is apparently how he
showed his love, but I did not like it.

I was at a mcdonalds and told to stay at the table. I was not very
old at all. I had to go to the bathroom, and I had already been
spanked for wetting my pants. I got up and went to the bathroom, so
I got a spanking for not staying.

My father has often made comments about women who wear revealing
clothing deserving to get raped. I was 12 or so the first time he
told me that.

Everytime he has ever been in a bad mood, I've been scared. I can
not make jokes with him because he may take offense. For instance,
he offered to take my husband at that time and I out for dinner. We
had, earlier, been speaking about his financial difficulties, and
when he said "what about the steakhouse", I said "na, you're already
50K in debt" He went off on me and then decided to not stay the
night. He cried, he always cries. He cries so much tears don't
affect me like they should. My own daughters tears barely make an
impact.

When I was sixteen he listened in on my phone conversation. He came
in on the tail end of a conversation. I was telling my then
boyfriend that I was very lucky. While he had been beaten repeatedly
by his own father, all my father ever did was yell at me. Yell, to
me, means the same as scolding. All my father heard was the last
part I'm guessing. He stormed into my room, took the phone away, and
began screaming at me. I was forbidden to go anywhere except to work
or school. I remember curling up into a little ball. I didn't even
do anything wrong.

When I was 17, I apparently entered a dark period in my life
according to my father. I was attempting to go places without my
parents, and this apparently was wrong. I came in 30 mins late to a
curfew I didn't even know I had. I'm still trying to figure out how
I was a bad kid.

Oh, I guess I should mention that my parents have been avid drug
users since before I was born. Marijuana mostly. I remember a time
when they were on Cocaine. I used to play with baby powder, a
mirror, and anything that looked like a razor. Currently they grow
and distribute marijanua and still see nothing wrong with thier
actions.

When my grandmother was dying, he drank a gallon of vodka on the way
to the hospital which was several hundred miles away. He was driving
and could barely keep the car in the same lane. My mother wouldn't
even tell him to stop driving. When we stopped for gas, I asked him
not to drive. I don't remember what he said to me, but I know he
made me feel like shit. Something about his own daughter not
trusting him. My mother did drive, but he made her drive at 55 when
the speed limit was 65. I think she held it against me sometimes.
Because of it, we missed my grandmother dying by only a few hours.
Sometimes I wish he would have wrecked and killed me, then maybe he
would understand. I told him it was ok, but it wasn't. If he was
ever going to change, he should have changed that day. He never
should have drank again, and he should have put the drugs away.

Current Situation

My current husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and
we have been together for 2. I left my first husband due to the fact
that I became so depressed I attempted suicide again. He didn't
care, and didn't want to help. I believed going back to school would
be a solution to my depression, but he shot that down because he
didn't have anyone to take care of his snakes. My current husband
was there to pick up the pieces. My father held the fact that
he "took another mans wife" against him for all this time, at the
same time pretending everything was great. When I was 9 months
pregnant, he decided to get drunk while they were staying at my
house. He sat there and asked me to leave with him and have the baby
at his house because he would be financially able to take care of me
in a year or so. I was completely confused. Then he told me he was
leaving because some people just didn't understand what it was like
to have a hard time or something like that. I still didn't
understand what was going on. He was walking out my door when he
turned on my husband. He went on about how he wanted to fight him
and they could step out in the parking lot and take care of this. He
finally turned around and left. My mother came back, apologizing
saying sometimes he just gets like this or something, then my father
came back and continued to try and instigate a fight. I've never
seen the man look so angry. My husband (a Sheriff's Deputy in
training himself) finally called the police to get rid of him. Lee
(my husband) had been distant that day, but we were having
difficulties, both financial and emotional. The stress of work and
Lee's academy made things a little stretched at our house. My father
hangs on to the fact that my husband never told him to leave and
holds the fact he called the police against him. Lee called the
police to avoid a physical altercation, which it was very obvious
thats what my dad wanted.

My husband, who was close with my father before that, now wants
nothing to do with my family at all. He does not want to cut me off
from them, but insists that I start standing up to them. A large
part of me just wanted to say its ok and let it go, but another part
of me could not do that to my husband. My father can make all the
excuses he wants, but he was wrong, there was no reason to do that to
him or I.

After I had my girl, an event I dreaded, my father was thankfully
absent for most of the time. The little bit he was there was most
uncomfortable. He is obviously still angry where he has no right to
be. I have yet to be able to come to terms with it, as I don't
understand why. Plus, he seems to think he is justified and
continues to bash my husband every time he talks about him. I've
tried to tell him its alright in an attempt to make myself believe
such, but I can't let it go this time as I have before. I have not
let my husband talk to my father either.

My mother started coming by constantly, which is interesting
considering they live 300 miles away. They called and said they
would be by again on a sunday. My mom has seen Autumn (my daughter)
almost more than my husband, who spends six days a week at the police
academy. When they did not show up or call that Sunday, I figured
that they had opted not to come. I got a call at 9:30 Monday morning
telling me they were on their way. I now work from home and I did
not feel like putting up with the tension that I have to deal with
every time they are around now. I told my mom "sorry, I'm working
today." My father called back pissed as hell and decides that I am
not letting him see his grandaughter anymore. I never said that, I
just didn't want them coming by that day. They were there to see my
niece anyway, not me. I was just a side trip. He went off on Lee,
saying that this was his decision, that I was wrong for sticking by
it and that I would regret it. Again, all I did was refuse to see
them that day. I had no plans for company, I did not want it.
Everything else came up though, all because I said NO. At first he
told me they were coming over anyway, then retracted. Then he talked
about how Lee had disrespected his family first, and thats why he got
drunk in our house, and disrespected me and my own that night. He
continued to call over the next 3 hours, I'm not sure why. I made it
apparent I was not letting them come over that day. Finally he said
that we were through, and made it apparent that he no longer wanted
to talk to or see me. On a side note my mother even sank low enough
as to use my dead grandmother against me in an attempt to induce a
guilt trip to get me to cave. All of this because for the first time
in his life somebody in his family stood their ground and told him no.


I'm lucky, my Husband's family is very good and has decided to adopt
me completely. They absolutely love me and our little girl, and they
have done so much for us I could never concievably repay them. I'm
stuck with this giant hole now. I didn't want to lose my
relationship with my Mother, but I would still have to cowtow to my
father. I don't know how to handle all the mixed emotions I am left
with now. At least I don't have to dread thier visits anymore, but
little Autumn has lost a set of Grandparents. Although, how could I
leave Autumn with them. What if my father acted with her as he did
with me? I'm so lost.




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