Hello Ellie,

 

I feel like I've been through a quite intense time emotionally

and last week I kind of took a break to re-evaluate.

 

I used to get a hate feelings towards my son because he is in my life and

holding me back from running free (or rather away). I found out that I'm

doing the same my mother did to me. In parts she hated me and I could feel

that as a small child (also because of her actions). So I would redirect

everytime I got that feeling and now that hate feeling is almost gone or

just a very faint feeling. When I  get that feeling now (from time to time)

I can easily redirect. When I'm  with my son I don't feel it at all, I just

feel love (which I was feeling before, just in a clouded version). So that's

positive and it's so good, because my child is the greatest blessing and my

motiviation to even go through this.

 

I'm still going through the mood swings, but over the weekend I started

redirecting actively. Yesterday I cried so hard, because of the loss of my

father and that he was never a part of my life. I had forgotten what kind of

person he was and how our relationship was, but then I remembered and that was sad and yet good. I have almost no memory of my childhood, so

remembering that my father actually was a "good" father (tried to anyway)

gave me a lift. At least it was not all bad.

 

After I cried for a while I did get mad at him for not being here and not

taking care of himself and me...and so on. And then I got into a major rage

towards my mother. Since then I've been redirecting of and on.

 

Before all this redirecting I lit a candle and prayed. I asked for the

ability to feel and free my anger and my prayer was heard. I never would get

angry in the past. Anger to me is like a forbidden emotion. So I really have

to push myself now that I've been doing this for a while and have released

some anger. I will get side tracked and try to do other things, everything

else than getting to that anger.  BUT, I want to feel normal just for once

in my life, so I my desire forces me to keep on pushing. Yes, the moodswings

and depression is terrible, but holding on to anger is not going to make it

any better (as I experienced last week).

 

I keep getting caught up in the motion of wanting to fix everything on the

outside instead of inside (such as going on my candida diet,doing

exercise,planning for my child care business,pretenting to be alright while

eating tons of chocolate). And I have to remind myself time and time again

to return to the origin of my misery - my stored anger.

 

I'm gonna do it Ellie. Regardless of how depressed and hopeless I get. I am

gonna do it. I can feel it in my gut and my heart. I'm gonna do it. How long

it will take me? Don't ask. I'll do it step by step. Everyday - a new day.

I'm going to get that anger out, every last feel of it.

 

On this strong note I will end this e-mail.

 

Talk to you soon. Natalie

 

Hi, thank you for sharing this. Your courage to go through the feelings and the increased mood swings is an inspiration. And the crying is a good sign. I believe your prayer will be answered and you will "feel normal". Here is a nice post from someone about normalcy.

 

"I know it is too soon to be claiming a cure, but as truth has it, the months I poured into detoxification/redirection have sure paid off. Feeling "normal" may not seem to some like much of a reward. But the burden as it was is no longer there, and it has recently dawned on me what a gift this normalcy is. Nothing dramatic, just satisfaction and ease - time to get back to life.

In the 4 months prior to September of last year I had 4 doses of the flu. Since then I have not had so much as a cold. I am marshalling my energies without obsession and it is so simple if I ever feel depressed, and the technique is so effective. It works straight away. I have this mental imagery of myself engaging in Hong Kong style Kung Fu on my past abusers. I turn around almost immediately after this, which occurs once or twice a week. I understand that I am not attacking them, but the product of the sick situation we were all in. Feel free to post this to the group. I wish them well. I dropped out because I got to the stage when it was more positive not to listen to question upon question. They need to understand that your motive, unlike so many in the "healing" professions, is solely humane." Carl