All children are born with healthy anger, which is part of the fight or flight reaction. When parents mistreat or neglect us emotionally, even unintentionally, they usually cause us to suppress our justifiable anger. No parent need to be perfect, but we must be allowed to be angry. The suppression of anger is more damaging than the trauma itself and leads to anxiety and depression later in life. Even the lullaby, 'Hush Li'l Baby Now Don't You Cry' serves the parent, not the child. Our parents probably had to suppress their anger as children and this recovery is for them as well. As adults we unconsciously form codependent relationships, which are re-enactments of childhood relationships, for the purpose of releasing repressed anger and grief. Many of us have sought partners, bosses, and friends who remind us of our parents and have been unhappy in these relationships.

Codependent relationships are formed unconsciously with parent substitutes for the purpose of setting a stage to reinact the childhood relationships and get anger out. The behavior of these parent substitues is stimulatory and triggers needed detox crises during which anger is released. Codependency is the basic addiction of mankind. Other overlying addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, and stimulatory activities such as sex, shopping, gambling, etc also trigger detox crises. These addictons will linger past the post flood point as long as any toxicosis exists, but will slowly subside.

Characteristics of codependency

I assume responsibility for other's feelings and behaviors.

I feel overly responsible for other's feelings and behaviors.

I have difficulty in identifying feelings -- Am I Angry? Lonely? Sad? Happy? Joyful?

I have difficulty expressing feelings -- I am feeling ... Happy, Sad, Hurt, Joyful.

I tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to my feelings.

I have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.

I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.

I am perfectionistic and place too many expectations on myself and others.

I have difficulty making decisions.

I tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how I feel.

Other people's actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond/react.

I tend to put other people's wants and needs first.

My fear of other's feelings (anger) determines what I say and do.

I question or ignore my own values to connect with significant others. I value other's opinions more than my own.

My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I tend to judge everything I do,

I do not believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both OKAY and NORMAL.

I do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family; or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny, minimize or justify them.

I tend to put other people's wants and needs before my own.

I am steadfastly loyal -- even when the loyalty is unjustified -- and personally harmful.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

My own hobbies/interests are put to one side.

I am not aware of how you feel. I am aware of how you feel

I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

I put my values aside in order to connect with you

I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours