V wrote:
> As a matter of fact, I had a cleansing today. You seem to have a
> catalytic effect on me, and after reading your recent letters last
night
> I woke up in a rage about an e-mail list who had abused me when I
first
> got online. So the first thing I did after letting the rage roll
around
> inside of me was I got up and started writing them a letter. In my
> letter I was telling them I was now back on their list and how much
they
> had hurt me and that if they tried to kick sand in my face again I had

> gone to the Charles Atlas school of net bashing and I was going to
hurt
> them back. Then I started screaming at my father and taking the end
of
> my ballpoint pen and jabbing it into the tablet I was writing on and
> stabbing "him." Then I wrote about my feelings. Then I started
> screaming at God who, frankly, I blame the most because He created it.

>
> I finally told God that I loved him, but I didn't trust Him one bit.
I
> don't trust anyone not to hurt me, even inadvertantly. Then I spent
> some time looking into the mirror and loving myself. It was quite a
> morning.

Dear V
I am in tears of joy reading this, not for your pain, but for your
victory. It
will help to heal you and bring you to the land of peace and joy where
you will
never allow anyone to hurt you again. Our notions of God are stored
together with
our notions of our parents, so when you are getting mad at God (that
notion of God
stored in our brains) you are releasing toxins and healing. The real God
in my
opinion is that nerve energy trying to get through--an angry God who
wants us to
have our anger at all past abusers, especially our parents, and heal. I
still get
mad at the real God sometimes and tell him to get his act together.
Ellie
>