> Ellie,
I must describe for you and the List a tremendous detox episode I went
through last night -- actually, when I was awakened at 3 AM from a fitful
sleep. It seems that my strongest detox events occur at this time when
they interrupt my sleep.
>
All week I had been leading up to it; I felt a lot of gut-churning grief
and a few crying episodes over the whole abandonment mess with the two
adult children of my 1st marriage, but I knew it was really a "soul nausea"
-- a coming detox storm giving its warnings -- and that I was not yet ready
to "throw up." But last night was the time to get it all out, and out it
came!

I refer to it as a "textbook" case of redirecting because I really
experienced the difference between redirecting and merely having a primal.
I was definitely having a primal, and I know you warn about people who
self-primal run the risk of psychosis. Well, that was upsetting me ads I
started shaking while walking around the house in the dark. I really felt I
was going insane and I started to get really scared. I sensed my fear
building up because of the thought I was crazy, which in turn magnified the
fear into an ever-increasing positive feedback loop or "vicious cycle."
>
I found myself standing and shaking and silently screaming. My arms were
tense and I was slowly pushing them up and down in front of me as if I were
trying to shed skin or get out of clothing that was hampering me. Later I
had a sense that this was a traumatic birth experience -- I was a blue
baby, being suffocated at the very time I should have been taking my first
breath. Also I had pneumonia and was in an oxygen tent in the hospital
when I was 3 months old, so I'm sure there was something related to that as
well.
>
I was really freaking out as I shook more violently, until I remembered
that I should redirect. At first I didn't know which target to pick, but I
was so terrified it didn't matter, so I just started with the "usual
suspects:" my mother father, doctors in the hospital, God, the Pope the
Catholic Church, etc. And the amazing experience was that as soon as I made
the conscious decision to redirect, I was suddenly calm in the midst of
this shaking, like a very calm eye in the middle of a hurricane. And I do
intend a
> pun here, which we can only make in English, namely "eye" = "I". I was
the eye in the middle of my own toxic psychic hurricane, and as I was
redirecting

I really felt that I was separating myself from the detox symptoms that
were overwhelming my physical body. In other words, up until the moment I
decided to redirect I was actually identifying my self, my I with the dear
I was experiencing, which meant that I was allowing myself to be blown
away by the hurricane. That is true insanity, or the path to true
psychosis.
>
But once I started to redirect, I simply let the detox spasms take their
course. If anything, they intensified because I was no longer inhibiting
them. Imagine someone with Parkinson's really shaking to the point that
they have to lie down because they are shaking so violently that they are
losing their balance and can't stand up anymore.
>
I then fell into the bed and was writhing. I was still completely silent,
but inwardly screaming at my mother to come and pick me up, but she
wouldn't come so I was angry at her. I became angry at other targets
because this was a primal fear of abandonment I had to work through in
order to experience the physiological memories of the actual abandonment I
felt at birth, even in the womb.
>
> As you say, Ellie, it doesn't matter if you pinpoint the exact primal
event in your infancy or before. What matters ids that you find the
security of your own ego, your own I in the center of the detox hurricane.
Once there, you are completely protected and I really felt the nakedness of
my own being there, nothing but me, myself and I waiting calmly in the eye
off Hurricane Detox for the winds to run their course and finally die away.
>
> As I felt the episode weaken, I realized that I needed to do some
reprocessing of the experience. I did some of my EMDR techniques (EMDR =
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which are actually the
brain's way of processing emotional trauma, as EMDR creates the conditions
while awake, what REM dream sleep does for you unconsciously). That was
the "icing on the cake" so to speak and allowed me to rest calmly,
literally just like a newborn baby and I fell into a wonderful peaceful
sleep at about 4 AM and woke up really refreshed and feeling wonderful at
7:30 AM.
>
> The sun has been shining brightly all day in my soul and giving me
new confidence that when the next hurricane or tropical detox storm hits,
I will simply redirect and ride it out as an observer in the middle of the
hurricane "I". MT

THANK YOU, this belongs on the front page of every newspaper and should be
read before the hundreds of heads of state who are convening at the United
Nations today. How can we tell the world about this miracle of healing so
all people can join you in the eye of the storm. Ellie

Elnora Van Winkle
http://home.earthlink.net/~clearpathway
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~er26/toxicmind.html
http://www.egroups.com/group/Depression-Anxiety