Dear Ellie
My parents were pretty heavy drinkers and very angry and authoritative.
we we all pretty repressed as children. We were also raised in the
Catholic church. I dont deny that they did the best they could and I am
not aware of any conscious anger that I feel towards them but I know
that the child that I was is still angry at the people that they were. A
part of me is trapped in the past. I very much want to be free. I have
done the bed banging a few times now and dont really feel as if ive
really really gotten as angry as I should it is difficult to let myself
feel anger, I suppose many of us are afraid of anger ,I am afraid to
lose control and see anger as being a really bad thing. I am hoping I
will get better at this as I go along, I am still in the very beginning
and know I have a ways to go. Anyway I got angry at my husband today and
thuogh at first didnt think it could have anything to do with the past,
went ahead and did the banging. What came to me was that I was really
angry and upset about feeling uncared for (by my parents ) and also
having to be the one to take care of so many others. Being the oldest
girl I was mothering my sisters and being responsible at much too young
an age. I feel that not only was I not mothered but I was forced into
motherhood against my will. Anyway , I realize this is an issue that
will probably come up again. I was still angry about it later, so I
guess I am not finished with it. I was able to tell my husband about
this and he was able to see his own issue in the situation, so it is
helping us both. He said he would read the article you wrote and maybe
do this with me. I am also recognizing that it is important to let my
children have their anger and grief about things and today I was able to
let my six year old get mad and cry without trying to stop her. Usually
their anger makes me angry and I hope to gradually become more tolerant
of it as I realease more of my own emotion. I hpe this isnt too long a
letter . I am thinking of sending a copy of your article to my sisters
and brothers perhaps after I get a little farther along. goodbye for now
and It helps to be able to write to you. Thanks for listening. Love,
Carol

Yes, it can be scary to lose control, but as long as you are redirecting
the anger, your body will naturally relax. Remember it's a periodic
detox process. It's good you could recognize some of your anger with
your husband was about the past, and release and redirect it. Please get
Aletha Solters book Tears and Tantrums for use with the children.
There's a link to her site in the links at the end of my article on:
http://pages.nyu.edu/~er26/depression.html
Ellie