Dear Elnora,
I am 50 years old, a musician and artist; have had in many ways
a wonderful life, but through it all the heartbreaking debilitation
of these uncontrollable waves of depression and rage (often directed
at self) that come and go unbidden, like unwanted guests. Through
it I've remained optimistic (during my "normal" periods :-) );
I always sensed I would find a solution, because when I am rational
and not flooded with these horrible feelings, I can clearly see
my potential, my dreams and talents, etc. I was abused by my
uncle when I was 3 years old. I know it happened but none of
the details. I was sent to live with him and my aunt for a year.
Also my mother is my adoptive mother, and I was adopted 5 days
after her baby daughter died at birth. She was not a "happy
camper" with me; I was the imperfect substitute for the real
child. (She was very angry at me for having a crossed eye and
bad hearing.) My father told me when I was 18 that my mother
had always resented me; he needn't have told me, as it was painfully
obvious to me every day.

I remember the first time I acted out in a rage. I couldn't
have been much older than 5. I remember the feeling of anger
that welled up in me as I was playing with my doll. It felt
like rage, and it felt like I wanted to hurt myself. So I ripped
my doll's beautiful black velvet cape to shreds. I was usually
a shy, well-mannered little girl, but every so often I'd have
these-- I think my parents called them temper tantrums.
Of course to my parents I am still their bad girl and black
sheep. I have loads of anger and rage at both of them for abandonding
me in so many obvious and cruel ways and seeing me through such
a black lens, when I tried so hard to please them. Thank you
for helping me to see that I can give
myself permission to vent my anger in this wonderfully therapeutic
and helpful way.

Well, enough blathering, but my real message is Thanks, I'm ELATED!
This is nothing short of an answer to prayer that I found your
post on the April 99 raw food list. My husband and I did a guided
visualization together yesterday for angelic healing, and right
after that I sat at the computer and "accidentally" found your
post and then your site. I know what I have to do now, and I'm
READY to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Finally, I'm going
to get a life and gain mastery of my emotions.
Love, Sheryl

Dear Sheryl,
So glad you are here. I too found breakthroughs just after asking
God for help. Those waves of depression and rage were your brain
trying to heal. Now if you can redirect the rage when it surfaces,
you can heal. I hope your husband will try the self help measures
as well, so as not to feel threatened by your recovery later
on.
Ellie



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