Hi, Ellie,
I could use your advice. I've been trying to write a certain novel
for eleven years now, and recently I decided to devote myself to this
project and get it done, and what has been coming up is my main
characters, twins, have a grandmother who is a satanist. So I started
doing research on this on the Internet the past couple of days since I
have always avoided stuff like this before out of fear of being
corrupted by it, and what I have learned is those things (satanism,
witchcraft, etc.) mean: "My will be done" as opposed to "Thy will be
done." I'm also having a lot of memories of a dark period in my
teenage years (the same age as my twins) when I explored this stuff
with no help or knowledge... just attracted towards it from something
within me...and what I'm wondering is: am I now old enough and strong
enough
to look at all this stuff? There is a real interest in this stuff I
feel on
an emotional plane as I view the various things about this on the Net.
There is a sense of temptation from some part of myself that is
thinking: wouldn't it be great if I could use this to get rid of the
ogre and the legal horror in Chicago?Without knowing what
I was doing as a teen, I did do magic. I didn't have any kind
of training or counselling or anything. I just did it
on my own. I quit when I was about 18 out of fear that demons
I had seen would get me. It's important that you understand that my
experiences with this were all alone and without any kind of guidance
or help. It was stuff I just did on my own. So, at 56, and with all
the inner work I've done on myself, I am drawnto examining all this now,

and not only or my book, but for myself as well. There is a real
interest, and, at the same time, there is fear.What do you think?
Madge

Dear Madge,
I had a friend who was a childhood victim of Satanism. Her mother and
some priest abused her as a child, but her memory of it was pretty much
gone.Shewas very attracted to Star Wars, and fantasies that had some
similar characteristics to Satanism, and I believe her attraction was
for the purpose of re-experiencing her early trauma in order to get the
anger
out.She also became a surgical nurse for the same reason, in surgery she

could do to others what was done to her and in this way get her
repressed anger out --all unconscious. But the anger needed to be
redirected away from her patients and to her parents.

I know you were an abused child, in what fashion it doesn't really
matter, but we all create fantasies in later life (the writing of a
novel
is such acreation) that are attempts to re-experience the early trauma
and heal. It doesn't mean you were the victim of Satanism, but some of
the charactistics of your early trauma may have been similar. Often some
of
the characteristics of the fantasy are similar to the childhood abuse,
but in changed form.. Say a father who was abusive becomes the King in a

fantasy or Satan in the practice of Satanism. It sounds like you have a
need to heal past wounds and current wounds from the ogre, etc. Can you
use this understanding to release and redirect your justifiable anger at
past
abusers using the self help mesaures in the article. Writing the novel
sounds like a great way to accomplish this. I used to watch the Waltons,

with full knowlege that it was an opportunity for me to get my anger out
at
the sanctimonious mother and grandmother, knowing I was getting my anger

out at my own mother. It helped me to heal. Sounds like your exploring
Satanism could be helpful in this same way. Fear is a signal anger wants

out, so if you feel a real fear, go with it as you explore and recognize

it as anger that needs to get out and be redirected. Alice Miller used
art,
for you writing. As I know you understand the toxic mind theory and are
using the self helpmeasures, I hope this make sense to you. When you
have released all the anger and are post flood as I call it, you may
remember some early trauma that had similar characteristics to your
choice of material for a novel or Satanism.
Ellie

P.S Excuse the spacing. I haven't learned how to do this. Perfectionism
is yet another trigger. I'm angry that I still want to make it perfect.
It's
those old voices in my head, my parents voices, telling me I have to
be perfect.