> Ellie, there is so much going thru my mind (unfortunately not yet matched by
physical stuff, I think I'm really afraid to be physical with anger). You don't
have to write back or respond, but I'd just like to let some of it out and
you're elected as the audience. ;) As you suggested I have been reading the
archives. I put the first 300 or
> so messages into a Word doc so I could print it out and highlight as I go
along. BTW, I would be happy to zip this up and send it to you if you want.
I'm going to do the rest of the messages as time allows. I started at about
Message 30 and skipped the banana-infection ones but otherwise they're there,
misspellings and all.
>
> Anyway, I've been reading and am shocked at how much I relate to. I,
too,mutilated my dolls a a preschooler -- I poked their eyes out and cut their
hair. I was hypnotically regressed one time to the womb and remember my parents
arguing about me, my father wanted me and my mother didn't. She was 43 and I
was a surprise, so on one level of course I understand, but if she really didn't
want kids she shouldn't have had sex. So there.
>
> I've started having the bad dreams about my mom again and just wish I could be
lucid during them. Last night I dreamed my mother was put in jail for murder.
I don't know who she murdered and didn't really care, my problem was that she
left me holding the bag with her debts, the house, etc. (which BTW is exactly
what happened when she died). I remember trying to get into her one savings
account of $600 for a bill of hers and ended up sleeping with the Peruvian bank
officer.
>
> I've also read about codependency. I've gone the other way, to the
> extreme. I left my home town of C nearly three years ago and moved to N,
where I don't know a soul. There were many reasons but a big one was that I had
to get away from all the memories that hit me in the face wherever I went in C.
I have also cut myself off from people to the point that if it weren't for my
son and the computer, I wouldn't even have a phone. It would take a fire to get
me out of the house. I don't see the point in living, there is no joy in my
life, but I'm also angry that I can't even commit suicide because I wouldn't
hurt my son like that. (He moved back to C after we were here a year so now I'm
really alone.) I get panic attacks at the thought of talking to people. I
don't want friends, I don't want to talk to anyone; they'll just end up making
demands on me.
>
> I live in a small trailer but there is enough room in the living room to swing
a baseball bat at the sofa, so maybe I'll try that. My question is, can I just
swing in "general anger" and not about anything specific? Or would that be
pointless? This redirecting in my head is fine but I don'twant this to take
forever. Stella

Re: zip files. I'm not computer smart. I have saved the Archives on
discs but not as a zip file. Would I be able to store more on a disc if
it's in a zip file. I do have an unzip program, but never use it.

If you feel fear (or an oncoming panic attack) when you think of talking
to people its time to get physical, that's the time to go through the
fear to the underlying anger and redirect it to all past abusers. Your
fear of people is fear of being abused because this is what has always
happened to you with people. I too was able to think back to prebirth
and remember events. Very little is really lost from the memory banks,
although the shock treatments I had permanently destroyed some neurons
and I have permanent loss of memory over a period of time. More memories
tend to return when we are post flood. I'm sure I was not expected
either, and glad you have your anger about that...yes, your're damn
right they should not have had the sex. How dare they give you birth and
then not love you, and in that dream...who is she murdering...YOU, it's
soul murder. Don't forget dreams are like mosaics of experience, taken
apart for storage, but when recalled in a dream put together in a new
scenario. When you awake do some redirecting, just pound a bit on the
bed with your fists until the fear is gone.

If you are severely suicidal, you might want to see a doctor for
antidepressants, but if not, remember suicidal thought is anger turned
inward,... redirect...it's your mother's voice in your head trying to
murder you.

Hit that sofa with the baseball bat and don't worry if you don't have a
specific memory in mind. If you do that' fine, but if not just keep
getting the anger out and redirecting it toward you mother, and your Dad
if he did not protect you from her, and all subsequent abusers. It won't
take forever, that's a promise. If you have depression after releasing
anger, put a sign on the refrig...'It will lift'
Ellie