Ellie,
I have a question for you. You mention co-dependency
every now and then on the list. What exactly is
co-dependency? How would you describe it?
Frank

Dear Frank
The self help measures in my article are related to the ninth step of recovery
from co-dependency described by Melody Beattie (author of many books on
co-dependency) as 'dealing with those who have harmed us.' The 12-step program
CODA has lots of literature on codependency with descriptions of the
characteristics, some of which are:

seek intimacy at the first meeing
fall in love without knowing the person
confuse love with pity
too quick to forgive
acquiesce when something painful is said
fear of rejection
anticipate partners needs, not our own
compulsive need to make everything right
confuse lust with love
coming from a dysfunctional family
being a care-giver, especially to the needy
attraction to emotionally unavailable people
fear of abandonment
excessive people pleasing
willing to wait and hope for love
taking more than 50% of responsibility, guilt and blame
low self-esteem, don't belive we deserve to be happy
need to control our partner (or be controlled)
drawn to people with problems that need fixing
not attacted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and
really interested in us, find 'nice' people boring.

BUT this literature doesn't say much about the real reason we get into
co-dependencies. The best way to describe co-dependency is that it is an
addction to people, and it is the basic addiction. All the overlying
addictions are but tips of the iceberg. When we are not given the love we need
as babies, we continue to form dependent relationships with others. But
believing we can get the dependent kind of love we didn't get as babies is
really a delusion. We can never have that dependent kind of love we needed as
babies. We can only have that from God in my opinion, but when we have
recovered we can give and receive real healthy love from another person, which
I like to define as 'caring about the well being of another." What's nice-- I
find that I can give and receive real love from another even though that
person is still somewhat co-dependent themself. And co-depenency is not some
evil thing. It's when it is over the line that it is a problem. Even people
who are still very co-dependent can give healthy love--they are on this path
of releasing anger and forming healthier relationships even if unconsciously.

But back to the point--co-dependencies are relationships formed
(unconsciously) for the purpose of re-enacting the parental relationships. We
are attracted to people who are like our parents, and there is a physiological
need for these relationships because they are opporunities to release and
redirect the justifiable anger we should have been allowed to have as
children. The falling-in-love syndrome is a signal of codependency, but this
does not mean co-dependencies should be avoided. I made the mistake of talking
about avoiding them earlier on the list, and this is only possible when one is
far along in recovery. The further along in recovery the healthier our
relationships become. But we need these relationships early in recovery.
Co-dependencies are useful, and if one understands this and is in recovery, a
co-dependent relationship can change into a healthy loving relationship. If we
are on the path of releasing and redirecting the repressed anger, the craving
for people, in codependent sense, will slowy diminish along with all the
other overlying addictions.
Ellie