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Dear Ellie: I just can't get started feeling angry at my parents. Up until I was about 12 my dad would beat me with a cat of 9 tails that he had made to punish me when I was bad. I still feel that I deserved the punishment. I stole insufficient things from friends when I was very young, I stole money from my parents, as much as $20 dollars, I liked to
play with matches and almost burned the house down, though no on purpose,I would forget to do some chore my dad asked me to do, if I got angry at him or my mother. All the there things would get me a beating. My mother said later, when I was an adult, that she thought the beatings
were too severe, but I remember her watching it happen and not doing anything about it. I don't know if she could have if she wanted to. I am 58 and still feel I am that bad boy who should be beat. I go over and over every thing I do in my mind annualizing it as to what I should have done and always doing what I "should" to get people to like me. My
mother is still alive at 85, she is pleasant but I don't want to be around her and I don't have to because she is 4 hours away from me now. Help! D
play with matches and almost burned the house down, though no on purpose,I would forget to do some chore my dad asked me to do, if I got angry at him or my mother. All the there things would get me a beating. My mother said later, when I was an adult, that she thought the beatings
were too severe, but I remember her watching it happen and not doing anything about it. I don't know if she could have if she wanted to. I am 58 and still feel I am that bad boy who should be beat. I go over and over every thing I do in my mind annualizing it as to what I should have done and always doing what I "should" to get people to like me. My
mother is still alive at 85, she is pleasant but I don't want to be around her and I don't have to because she is 4 hours away from me now. Help! D
If anyone identifies with this please go out and buy Alice Millers books (not Paths of Life) but For You Own Good and Drama of a Gifted Child.
These book tell of the devastating effects of a rigid moral upbringing, which she calls "poisonous pedogogy."
Please also read my story, Confessions of a Schizophrenic, to see that I was never abused, yelled at, or treated unkindly, but just abandoned emotionally and had to learn to suppress my anger. on:
It takes very litte to cause toxicosis in the brain, even lullabies and pacifers cause toxicosis.
Ellie
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