Hi Ellie,

               I've been following the last few e-mail about parents and I just want to add as a post-flood person (or I should say a person who has been doing the RST for about 7 months) that I still have no real interest in developing a relationship with my parents. I cant say that my relationship with them was that abusive just that they were emotionally  very disconnected from themselves and with us and that they drank  a lot. They were not  full blown alcoholics but I think it was a way that they medicated themselves so that they didnt have to feel or face their feelings. We were also denied the right to have our anger. While I can understand that this was also the way they were taught, it is still hard to have a close relationship with people who cannot or will not be real. Part of the ability to be real includes honest emotions. Sometimes I still feel som! e anger towards them because I feel that I never really had the love and concern that real parents can give their children. I envy people who have or had that. I realize that it probably wont change. I still have some conflict with my siblings because of the way I feel and most of them are still trying to get what they missed and are still missing from our  parents. I make them angry because I tell the truth about them.Some of my brothers and sisters even deny that my parents drank or that they had a problem with alcohol. Some are alcoholics or have married alcoholics. I am still amazed at the abilities we all have to remain in denial. Its hard and I admit that their are ways that I am still in denial also. I get into trouble when I begin to wish that things could or should be different instead of facing and accepting what is true and dealing with it. That includes admitting my anger over it. It remains to be seen what may change over the next few months, I find that it i! s definitely important to continue redirecting, in fact I really need to check in with myself at the end of the day and see if I stuffed any anger as my habit of repressing  has been going on for 48 years. I think it may take awhile to really be aware of my true feelings. This is the only process that I have tried that has caused lasting and real changes for me and I am very grateful.  C

 

I appreciate your sharing this, and I hope the group understands that when I mention that relationships with parents may be friendly, I am not suggesting re-engaging with them if they are not open to recovery for themsevles. I see rejection of parents by children as an act of tough love. I used to fly out to visit my 98 yr old aunt (a mother substitute for me who was codependent with me) 5-6 times a year at her retirement home, and it was not healthy for me or her. The best thing I did for her was to stop visiting, and now she relies on the people there. We have a friendly phone relationship. My own parents are long gone, but since I have released all my anger toward them, I do feel a sense of love and understanding for them.

 

There are some parents in this group whose children have confronted them, and they are using the RST. In these cases friendly relationships can certainly be restored.