Having problems with message search?
DON'T TRY TO RECALL EARLY TRAUMA BUT IF PAINFUL CHILDHOOD MEMORIES SURFACE GO THROUGH THE FEAR AND REDIRECTHi Ellie,I stopped doing the redirecting, though I would come back to it occasionally. I knew I had not expressed enough anger towards my dad and his illness. So for a couple weeks I did quite a bit of redirecting toward him and his illness and all the others involved. I was feeling alot better.Well, I just went on vascation and I think it triggered something in me. Two days after we came home I began having "memories(?)" of childhood abuse. It involved my fathers relatives, but the memories were very vague. As I began to think about these things and try to "put together the peices" I went into a very paranoid and delusional state. I stayed there for about five days and finally came to reality yesterday. I am still having some strange bodily sensations and feel scared that what happened to me this week will happen again.I am wondering two things, Ellie. Do you think this happened because my mind was cleared for these memories to surface and I just didn't handle them the right way? And, I want to redirect at these people (even though I have no face in mind) but will it bring me to another psychotic state?After my memories surfaced, I said some FUs to them, but felt so scared.I really want to continue with this redirecting but I could use some imput from anyone who has been through something similar.. you perhaps? I nearly put myself in the hospital again and I know that is the wrong way to go.Thanks for listening. SHi,Try to continue the redirecting wherever you are-- you can always do some redirecting in your mind even if you are with people and on vacation.To answer your questions, yes, you needed to handle those memories right away and you did handle them by doing the FUs. The redirecting you had already done would have cleared your brain of some of the toxicosis, so that some early memories of trauma might surface. If you were fully detoxed and these memories surfaced, there would not be any emotional pain attached. But since you have a way to go, there was still some emotional pain attached. But memories will not surface until you are ready to handle them, and you now know how to redirect and get through the storm, i.e. the detoxification crisis. So don't be afraid of any future surfacing of early memories.If childhood memories surface, feel the fear and get right into the redirecting. People who are not into the redirecting self-therapy (RST) and allow themselves to sink into the pain of early trauma without redirecting can suffer emotionally. People who try to self-primal have landed in psych hospitals. That will not happen to you since you know how to redirect when memories surface. If you redirect during these memories you will not go crazy. By doing those FUs you saved yourself from ending up in a psych hospitals. Go through those scary feelings--the fear--and get right to the anger.Please reread this post Hurricane Detox.....
> Ellie,
I must describe for you and the List a tremendous detox episode I went
through last night -- actually, when I was awakened at 3 AM from a fitful
sleep. It seems that my strongest detox events occur at this time when
they interrupt my sleep.
>
All week I had been leading up to it; I felt a lot of gut-churning grief
and a few crying episodes over the whole abandonment mess with the two
adult children of my 1st marriage, but I knew it was really a "soul nausea"
-- a coming detox storm giving its warnings -- and that I was not yet ready
to "throw up." But last night was the time to get it all out, and out it
came!
I refer to it as a "textbook" case of redirecting because I really
experienced the difference between redirecting and merely having a primal.
I was definitely having a primal, and I know you warn about people who
self-primal run the risk of psychosis. Well, that was upsetting me ads! I
started shaking while walking around the house in the dark. I really felt I
was going insane and I started to get really scared. I sensed my fear
building up because of the thought I was crazy, which in turn magnified the
fear into an ever-increasing positive feedback loop or "vicious cycle."
>
I found myself standing and shaking and silently screaming. My arms were
tense and I was slowly pushing them up and down in front of me as if I were
trying to shed skin or get out of clothing that was hampering me. Later I
had a sense that this was a traumatic birth experience -- I was a blue
baby, being suffocated at the very time I should have been taking my first
breath. Also I had pneumonia and was in an oxygen tent in the hospital
when I was 3 months old, so I'm sure there was something related to that as
well.
>
I was really freaking out as I shook more violently, until I remembered
that I should redirec! t. At first I didn't know which target to pick, but I
was so terrified it didn't matter, so I just started with the "usual
suspects:" my mother father, doctors in the hospital, God, the Pope the
Catholic Church, etc. And the amazing experience was that as soon as I made
the conscious decision to redirect, I was suddenly calm in the midst of
this shaking, like a very calm eye in the middle of a hurricane. And I do
intend a
> pun here, which we can only make in English, namely "eye" = "I". I was
the eye in the middle of my own toxic psychic hurricane, and as I was
redirecting
I really felt that I was separating myself from the detox symptoms that
were overwhelming my physical body. In other words, up until the moment I
decided to redirect I was actually identifying my self, my I with the dear
I was experiencing, which meant that I was allowing myself to be blown
away by the hurricane. That is true ! insanity, or the path to true
psychosis.
>
But once I started to redirect, I simply let the detox spasms take their
course. If anything, they intensified because I was no longer inhibiting
them. Imagine someone with Parkinson's really shaking to the point that
they have to lie down because they are shaking so violently that they are
losing their balance and can't stand up anymore.
>
I then fell into the bed and was writhing. I was still completely silent,
but inwardly screaming at my mother to come and pick me up, but she
wouldn't come so I was angry at her. I became angry at other targets
because this was a primal fear of abandonment I had to work through in
order to experience the physiological memories of the actual abandonment I
felt at birth, even in the womb.
>
> As you say, Ellie, it doesn't matter if you pinpoint the exact primal
event in your infancy! or before. What matters ids that you find the
security of your own ego, your own I in the center of the detox hurricane.
Once there, you are completely protected and I really felt the nakedness of
my own being there, nothing but me, myself and I waiting calmly in the eye
off Hurricane Detox for the winds to run their course and finally die away.
>
> As I felt the episode weaken, I realized that I needed to do some
reprocessing of the experience. I did some of my EMDR techniques (EMDR =
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which are actually the
brain's way of processing emotional trauma, as EMDR creates the conditions
while awake, what REM dream sleep does for you unconsciously). That was
the "icing on the cake" so to speak and allowed me to rest calmly,
literally just like a newborn baby and I fell into a wonderful peaceful
sleep at about 4 AM and woke up really refreshed and fe! eling wonderful at
7:30 AM.
>
> The sun has been shining brightly all day in my soul and giving me
new confidence that when the next hurricane or tropical detox storm hits,
I will simply redirect and ride it out as an observer in the middle of the
hurricane "I". MT
I must describe for you and the List a tremendous detox episode I went
through last night -- actually, when I was awakened at 3 AM from a fitful
sleep. It seems that my strongest detox events occur at this time when
they interrupt my sleep.
>
All week I had been leading up to it; I felt a lot of gut-churning grief
and a few crying episodes over the whole abandonment mess with the two
adult children of my 1st marriage, but I knew it was really a "soul nausea"
-- a coming detox storm giving its warnings -- and that I was not yet ready
to "throw up." But last night was the time to get it all out, and out it
came!
I refer to it as a "textbook" case of redirecting because I really
experienced the difference between redirecting and merely having a primal.
I was definitely having a primal, and I know you warn about people who
self-primal run the risk of psychosis. Well, that was upsetting me ads! I
started shaking while walking around the house in the dark. I really felt I
was going insane and I started to get really scared. I sensed my fear
building up because of the thought I was crazy, which in turn magnified the
fear into an ever-increasing positive feedback loop or "vicious cycle."
>
I found myself standing and shaking and silently screaming. My arms were
tense and I was slowly pushing them up and down in front of me as if I were
trying to shed skin or get out of clothing that was hampering me. Later I
had a sense that this was a traumatic birth experience -- I was a blue
baby, being suffocated at the very time I should have been taking my first
breath. Also I had pneumonia and was in an oxygen tent in the hospital
when I was 3 months old, so I'm sure there was something related to that as
well.
>
I was really freaking out as I shook more violently, until I remembered
that I should redirec! t. At first I didn't know which target to pick, but I
was so terrified it didn't matter, so I just started with the "usual
suspects:" my mother father, doctors in the hospital, God, the Pope the
Catholic Church, etc. And the amazing experience was that as soon as I made
the conscious decision to redirect, I was suddenly calm in the midst of
this shaking, like a very calm eye in the middle of a hurricane. And I do
intend a
> pun here, which we can only make in English, namely "eye" = "I". I was
the eye in the middle of my own toxic psychic hurricane, and as I was
redirecting
I really felt that I was separating myself from the detox symptoms that
were overwhelming my physical body. In other words, up until the moment I
decided to redirect I was actually identifying my self, my I with the dear
I was experiencing, which meant that I was allowing myself to be blown
away by the hurricane. That is true ! insanity, or the path to true
psychosis.
>
But once I started to redirect, I simply let the detox spasms take their
course. If anything, they intensified because I was no longer inhibiting
them. Imagine someone with Parkinson's really shaking to the point that
they have to lie down because they are shaking so violently that they are
losing their balance and can't stand up anymore.
>
I then fell into the bed and was writhing. I was still completely silent,
but inwardly screaming at my mother to come and pick me up, but she
wouldn't come so I was angry at her. I became angry at other targets
because this was a primal fear of abandonment I had to work through in
order to experience the physiological memories of the actual abandonment I
felt at birth, even in the womb.
>
> As you say, Ellie, it doesn't matter if you pinpoint the exact primal
event in your infancy! or before. What matters ids that you find the
security of your own ego, your own I in the center of the detox hurricane.
Once there, you are completely protected and I really felt the nakedness of
my own being there, nothing but me, myself and I waiting calmly in the eye
off Hurricane Detox for the winds to run their course and finally die away.
>
> As I felt the episode weaken, I realized that I needed to do some
reprocessing of the experience. I did some of my EMDR techniques (EMDR =
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which are actually the
brain's way of processing emotional trauma, as EMDR creates the conditions
while awake, what REM dream sleep does for you unconsciously). That was
the "icing on the cake" so to speak and allowed me to rest calmly,
literally just like a newborn baby and I fell into a wonderful peaceful
sleep at about 4 AM and woke up really refreshed and fe! eling wonderful at
7:30 AM.
>
> The sun has been shining brightly all day in my soul and giving me
new confidence that when the next hurricane or tropical detox storm hits,
I will simply redirect and ride it out as an observer in the middle of the
hurricane "I". MT
Ellie
Send Email