Hello everyone, I just discovered this board, wanted to share today.
My name is Jim, I am a recovering compulsive gambler today, placed my
last bet on January 23, 1996. Kindly recall that listening to Warren
B.'s story along with writing my answers to the 20 Questions, helped
me admit my powerlessness over gambling. That when I AM gambling, my
life's screwed up. I have no power to control my gambling, because
that "ain't the way I gamble". Attempts at control are only an
illusion for me, and lack of power is my problem. ~~~~~~~ Now let me
share, along the way on my journey, how I cleared up some confusion
about the rest of Step 1, for me. Are you with me? I hope so. Let's
cross the "bridge" together. The DASH. It's right there in Step 1,
right in the middle. A DASH in the English language means "end of one
thought, beginning of a new thought". (courtesy to Clancy I. from AA)
The 1st thought (admitting my powerlessness) deals with, When I AM
Gambling, the lack of boundaries and unpredictability of where it
leads. And then we have the DASH. It looks like this - have you
really noticed it before? And it leads into the 2nd thought! "that
our lives had become unmanageable" The 2nd thought, which is more
challenging in many ways, deals with the other part of my problem,
When I Am NOT Gambling. When I stop gambling, in time, the yellow GA
Combo Book describes the feeling as "pitiful and incomprehensible
demoralization". Some members painfully describe it as losing
their "best" friend. Other literature describes the way I am feeling
When I Am NOT Gambling as being restless, irritable, discontented.
Further into the Combo book, on page 14, it describes When I Am NOT
Gambling (between binges), as periods of nervousness, irritablity,
frustration, indecision and a continued breakdown in personal
relationships ... and not periods of constructive thinking. And so,
of myself, When I Am NOT Gambling, my life's screwed up. Or as the
1st Step reads, our lives had become unmanageable. And so, once
again, my problem is lack of power. If I could "fix it", bring myself
out of this funk on my own, I would have already done so. If just
stopping gambling "fixed it", of course, then that would be the final
solution. But it isn't, because of myself, the longer I stay stopped,
When I Am NOT Gambling, the more "screwed up" (unmanageable) my life
becomes. It feels as if there is a giant spring inside me being
compressed more and more until one day it's gonna explode. Remaining
in "abstinence mode" without getting "into recovery" only makes my
life so damn painful that I can't stand it. Without gambling's
illusions to deal with real life situations, and the associated
feelings, the real life crap gets so real, so difficult, too real.
Gambling-as-a-solution, my previous way of coping, my escape from
reality, with that taken away, now what? So here again, lack of power
is my problem. Step 1 means a lack power is what's missing, whether I
AM gambling, or whether I am NOT gambling. The DASH "bridges" my
(our) desire to stop gambling (~~~ admitting powerlessness) with the
diligent efforts necessary to bring about a character change within
myself (themselves) (~~~ admitting life's unmanageability). Thanks
for listening! Jim A. email: gr8_move[at}yahoo.com