"I especially see a lot of this behavior with the computer addicts
on recovery lists. Isn't it vastly more enjoyable to write and dream
about change than to actually get your hands dirty"

I couldn't agree more! Touche'

ODAAT
Staci






--- In compulsivegamblingrecovery@yahoogroups.com, Vfr44@a... wrote:
>
>
>
>
> (...) writes:
>
> "I have little patience left in my life. I go from extremes of
depression to
> blow ups and then turn to my addictions - just wish something would
go right
> for me for once in my life."
>
>
>
> V writes:
>
> Many of us get stuck in a place of "wishing for change" instead
of
> actually doing the footwork to make things change. I especially see
a lot of this
> behavior with the computer addicts on recovery lists. Isn't it
vastly more
> enjoyable to write and dream about change than to actually get your
hands dirty
> with the hard and sometimes dirty work of recovery? People get
stuck writing
> instead of doing. In the quote above - "I have little patience left
in my life"
> and "just wish something would go right for me" were exactly my
own feelings
> before I started to restructure my life in a new and healthy
direction. I
> was stuck in a situation for 13 years that was eating me up. One
day I woke up
> and became enlightened to change with this situation and started
to work to
> change things. It took almost 3 years to make the change, but then
it happened
> and I got it off my back. With the serenity prayer it gives us two
options -
> change or acceptance. I find if we work hard we can almost always
change
> something or even change an aspect of that thing that is bothering
us. If we
> cannot change a thing, then we have to work on acceptance for
peace. But, we can
> still be open to any change for the better if it would ever come
about.
>
> In my opinion we should try all comfortable avenues for change
first, then
> if change is not possible, work more on acceptance. The reason for
this is;
> without doing footwork I cannot be peaceful with acceptance unless
all avenues
> for possible change are exhausted. As I work for change, acceptance
is also in
> play, for as I do the footwork, I release the results to my Higher
Power, so
> acceptance is right there with me. But, balanced footwork and
awareness of
> not "forcing things" is important here as we can get into trouble
with "too
> much" footwork. Addicts especially must be careful of Forcing
their footwork.
> (If you missed my earlier post on "The Concept of Forcing Things"
write me.)
> The Buddhists Eightfold Path mentions following the right thoughts
and right
> actions and working in the right direction for spiritual growth.
We can do
> work in many areas but it has to be "right recovery work"
otherwise we are
> spinning our wheels and sometimes spin to the detriment of our
efforts. Working
> with a sponsor or pressure relief group can be helpful or even
using a support
> list as sponsor can work for balanced advice. We cannot solve our
problems
> with the same thinking that we used when we created them.
>
> Restructuring my life helped a lot with my depression and rage. I
learned my
> capacities are puny in some areas, so I work with them and not
against them.
> I try to live within my means whether they are financial, program,
space,
> energy, mental, physical or spiritual means. The 12 step programs
calls this
> "staying right size." We must also be aware of health issues that
can affect our
> mental state. Eating junk food was a major source of my depression
as too
> little sleep. Exercise helped with loosing the fat and clearing my
mind of some
> of the depression. Also joining the Voluntary Simplicity movement
in 1996
> helped me a lot.
>
> Other times it can be as simple as being aware of our rage and
anger
> tendencies and stopping before we go on any further with our old
rage patterns.
> Identifying triggers and underlying causes for rage helped me. I
try to stop and
> retreat once a pattern is starting to unfold. Sometimes I am
successful and
> other times I need more schooling. Rage is the easiest program for
me to blow
> out of the 8 - 12 step programs I am in. It is easy because when
things go
> good, I forget I am a rageaholic and then comes the blowup. A
famous Buddhist
> saying from many centuries ago said this best; "Don't bring things
to a painful
> point" ~ Atisha. I also have a saying, "You are not recovering
until you
> start refusing...refusing the old sick ways that got you here."
Realizing this
> boundary and actually stopping is hard for many of us, me included,
but it can
> me improved upon with practice. Once we start to refuse our old
ways we are
> headed in the right direction for a new life.
>
> When your mind is taken over by such thoughts as "Just wish
something would
> go right for me for once in my life" your mindset is concentrated
on
> discounting the many things that have gone right for you in your
life that you
> completely ignore. Programing our mind with such negative
absolutes just digs our
> hole deeper for us. "A mans mind may be likened to a garden which
may be
> intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether
cultivated or
> neglected, it must and will bring forth. If no useful seeds are put
into it, then an
> abundance of useless 'weed seeds' will fall therein and will
continue to
> produce their kind." ~ James Allen (If you missed my earlier
post "Grateful Just
> to Be" write me for a copy.)
>
> French psychotherapist Emile Coue (1857 - 1926) came up with this
famous
> saying; "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better."
He wrote "If
> our unconscious is the source of many of our evils - it can also
bring the
> cure. You have in yourself this instrument of your cure."
Sometimes this simple
> technique of Coue's, worked miracles in cases of health improvement
for
> persons using this daily suggestion. We are all born with a clean
and sterile
> "garden" of a mind. Everything we plant in this garden is from our
own efforts
> and thoughts. And as the Bible tells us - "as yea sow - so yea
reap." You many
> times hear a phrase thrown around in 12 step circles, "Stinkin
Thinkin" which
> is another way of describing negative self talk. I often hear
addicts
> beating themselves up with their own mouth continually programming
themselves with
> many of these comments:
>
> "I am no good"
> "I'm a failure"
> "Diets don't work for me"
> "I can't lose weight"
> "What's the use in trying"
> "With my luck only bad will come out of it"
> "I'm too old to try"
> "I can't stand the snow"
> "I can't remember anything - my brain is sh*t"
> "What do you expect - I'm just a drunk?"
> "I'm too fat to do it"
> "I'm in a daze all the time"
> "My marriage is on the rocks"
> "I'm a mess"
> "My house is a mess"
> "I am always late"
> "I'm sickly"
> "There is something wrong with me"
> "I'm a screw-up"
> "I feel like I'm dying"
> "What a pain in the ass"
> "I'm always bouncing checks"
> "I can't help myself"
> "I always get sick this time of year"
> "I always pick out an abuser"
> "I'm always upset"
> "I'm depressed"
> "I'm stubborn"
> "I'm a bitch"
> "I feel like sh*t"
> "Everything I touch turns to crap"
> "I can't remember anything"
> "I shop till I drop"
> "I can't do any thing right"
> "I'm no good with directions"
> "I always hurt the one I love"
> "I can't read a map"
> "I can't cook anything - I burn water"
> "No one likes me"
> "I'm no good with names"
> "I never win anything"
> "I'm not very smart"
> 'I can't figure it out"
> "It's my cross I have to bear"
> "I'm not too sharp"
> "I'm no good with computers"
> "I'm always late with the rent"
> "I can't balance my checkbook"
> "I'm unlucky"
> "I can never get any sleep"
> "Whenever it rains I feel blue"
> "I wish I was dead"
> "I can't save a penny"
> "I'm no good with numbers"
> "I know it is good for me...but I still wont do it"
> "This is a pain in the neck"
> "My back is killing me"
> "I can never figure women / men out"
> "It's my Karma"
> "My head is splitting"
> "Everything I eat turns to fat"
> "I don't like fruit or vegetables"
> "Why doesn't anything ever go right for me?"
> "I'm so stressed out"
> "I'm always hungry"
> 'Why does (it) always happen to me?"
> "I always end up offending people"
> "My boss always ends up hating me"
> "I'm no good at sports"
> "I'm a klutz'
> "I hate to exercise"
> "I'm always making the wrong choices"
> ...and on and on.
>
> Notice anything repetitive about these statements? Many are in
absolute
> terms that specify always, everything, every time, never. While
many of these
> statements can apply to some of us one time or another, few of them
are hard and
> fast 100% rules in our lives. Yet, we are working overtime to make
sure they
> do become us 100% at every turn. This type of thinking just
programs our
> minds and our bodies to accomplish these tasks as we ask our
subconscious to do
> these things. Sometimes this programing starts passively by
another's offhand
> comment to us or even when we are kids and our parents or other
adults tell
> us such things. Then little by little they creep into our mind and
take hold.
> Now we don't have to be perfect with changing our talk or our
life, but we
> can be aware of how we talk to ourselves and make an effort to
change our
> thoughts so they can work for us instead of against us. To develop
a desire to
> change, we must first recognize there is a problem or sickness in
us.
> Recognition or awareness is the fist step leading to the desire to
change. (I go into
> this in more detail in an earlier post entitled "The 3D's of
Recovery ~
> Desire, Determination and Diligence"- If you missed it and want a
copy write me).
>
> All of the above examples are negative auto suggestions or negative
self
> talk that can be overcome - we have it in our power to change these
ideas -
> maybe not perfectly, but we can change them in a positive
direction. Philosopher
> David Hume defined a miracle as "the suspension of natural law."
While the
> subconscious can do many amazing things, if we ask too many
unrealistic
> "miracles" of it on a continuous and daily basis that violate
physics or natural law
> we can get disappointed when it does not come through. A common
complaint
> with persons seeking spirituality is that they ask God / HP for a
daily
> suspension of natural law so they can keep violating the 3 branches
of laws that
> govern us and get disgruntled when God / HP does not answer the
requests.
> Entitlement is something we all can suffer from, it stems form our
ego. So, they
> get their ego hurt and give up spiritual ways with a sigh, "What's
the use." The
> "use" or "answer to their prayers" is in themselves with how they
live and
> think. We should not forget that life on earth was never promised
to be heaven
> on earth and as we live - we die and as we die - we suffer. This
is the
> suffering of impermanence the Buddhists talk about in the 4 Noble
Truths.
>
> An older Christian lady talked to me about "her cross" she had to
bear. She
> was starting to suffer from old age at 79 and felt this was
a "cross" for her
> from God. As I spoke with her I could see she had a very low level
of
> acceptance with many areas of living. She also told me about a
water heater that
> went out after 10 years of service and how that upset her so much.
I thought to
> myself well, I'd be ever so grateful to get 10 years out of mine,
as our
> heater went out with just 6 years of service. At the time, I was
grateful to get
> 6 years of service since I had talked with a fellow that had a
water heater
> go out in 4 years. She had no insight or acceptance into the
impermanence of
> things. Everything that lives gets old and suffers more or less
the same way.
> It is natural law and without this law nothing could grow and we
would not
> know life as we know it on our planet. Our babies would not grow,
there would
> be no rain, sun or nighttime and we could not even taste foods or
even digest
> it.
>
> This lady was not singled out to "bear a cross" to suffer from old
age at 79
> years of age. In fact, from my view she lived a life of little
suffering with
> health issues up to that point, since she lived a life that was
unhealthy,
> yet did not suffer much from this anti - health lifestyle and was
rewarded
> with moderately good health. No, her problem were not due to God
giving her a
> cross to bear - it was simply due to natural law, the same law
that applies to
> us all. And, if anything, she had much good fortune with her life,
yet had a
> hard time seeing it and being appreciative and grateful for it.
All problems
> are creations of the mind and all that is created in the mind can
also be
> removed. It seems that many of us get stuck with looking for hope
of change
> someplace else other than within us. All change is ultimately
internal in nature,
> but we have hopes that someone else will do it for us, rather than
we doing
> it ourselves. Many religious practitioners feel that any good
change in their
> lives will come from the outside -- as a gift from God / gods
without much
> effort from ones own self to change.
>
> Do we suffer from an unrealistic use of the subconscious? If we
give
> ourselves positive self talk or suggestions that we are thin when
we are fat and the
> reason that we are fat is that we are eating 6000 calories a day,
our mind
> can only do so much with countering natural law. So, we should not
say that
> positive self talk does not work if we are constantly working
against it by
> violating the laws that govern us all. If we are working a program
of recovery
> and pointed in the right direction of weight loss and food
addiction recovery
> then giving such auto suggestions to ourselves would be of benefit,
just as
> all the other tools we use to restructure our life are of benefit.
We are
> suffering from a case of egoism when we think we alone should be
exempt from the
> laws that govern everything else. The same would go for a person
that beats
> themselves up for not being able to slam dunk a basketball into a
10 foot hoop
> when they are only 5 feet tall. There might be someone, someplace
that can do
> it, but it might be 1 out of many millions. Sometime we get stuck
with
> defining our self worth with the unattainable and when we do not
reach these lofty
> goals our ego says we are a failure. This was a problem with me in
my prior
> life - seeking the unattainable and defining who I was by the
failure or
> success of reaching unattainable goals I set out for myself. (As I
wrote in an
> earlier post entitled "On Meditation and Finding Universal
Truth, "People are
> too busy developing what sounds good to the ego instead of what is
good for
> the body and soul." - if you missed this post and want a copy
write me.)
>
> Many years ago after squandering much money trying to "buy"
happiness I
> learned that "one thing only goes so far with giving a person a
good life." True
> happiness and serenity is composed of many qualities and not just
one.
> Positive thinking as well as everything else falls into this
category requiring us
> to live balanced lives. Positive thinking is important and useful,
but it must
> be coupled with realistic and attainable goals as well as doing
the footwork
> to reach those goals. If the goals are never realized with our
best effort,
> (Efforts that are within our personal and recovery programs limits)
then we
> can gratefully accept that it was not meant to be and move on
without shame or
> regrets. We can go too far with positive thinking just like
anything else
> the addict abuses. The perennial positive thinker must spend much
time and
> energy to displace negative thoughts that pop up in their mind and
this causes
> blindness to the big picture. This unrealistic view could be
dangerous in some
> cases when caution is thrown to the wind and thoughts of
temperance and
> caution are viewed as negative thinking when a "can do" attitude
gets overblown
> with egoism. An excess of positiveness can also block creativity
and problem
> solving by displacing those thoughts we view as negative.
Moderation in all
> things as the ancient Chinese sages said. On pages 122-125 of AA's
12 and 12, it
> goes into detail about living right size. If realizing and staying
within
> boundaries was not an important issue, the 12 and 12 would not
mention it. So,
> no matter how we program ourselves, we all still have limits as
humans...and
> especially as recovering addicts.
>
> There are many things required to cultivate a garden and the seeds
we plant
> are only part of the equation. If we have good seeds but do not
water them
> they will not sprout and grow. If we have plenty of water but dead
seeds, it
> yields nothing. If we only have one crop and it fails due to bugs
or a crop
> disease, we will starve, so it is good to have diversity. There is
a saying in
> Buddhism that a clay Buddha cannot get through the water - as it
will sink. A
> wood Buddha cannot get through a fire - as it will burn. A bronze
Buddha
> cannot get through a furnace - as it will melt. But, a clay Buddha
can get though
> a furnace to become stone. A wood Buddha can float on the water
and not sink.
> A bronze Buddha can get though a fire without melting. In the same
way, we
> can use positive thinking and affirmations to give us a diversity
of tools to
> supplement our "crops" in our recovery work and in our search for
a peaceful
> life. But we must also must not forget to do our physical footwork
required
> in recovery and restructuring our lives as well as doing our
spiritual
> recovery or 12 step work to make our garden flourish. If we have
unrealistic
> exceptions of ourselves and out abilities we will surely never be
at peace. A big
> breakthrough in my recovery work came to me the day this passage
sunk in and my
> recovery program started to be based on realistic and comfortable
abilities
> instead of my ego. I had become truth or recovery program based
instead of
> ego based. (You can always tell the truth based versus the go
based person. The
> truth based will be thankful for a correction or suggestion of
improvement,
> the ego based will fight it and be resentful and hateful for any
help
> offered.)
>
> On staying right size and happiness. Taken from pages 122-125 of
the 12 & 12
> of AA.
>
> In later life he (the addict) finds that real happiness is not to
be found
> in just trying to be a number one man, or even a first-rater in
the
> heartbreaking struggle for money, romance, or self-importance. He
learns that he can be
> content as long as he plays well whatever cards life deal him. He's
still
> ambitious, but not absurdly so, because he can now see and accept
actual
> reality. He is willing to stay right size...Still more Wonderful is
the feeling
> that we do not have to be specially distinguished among our fellows
in order to
> be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of
prominence,
> nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly rendered, obligations
squarely met,
> troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge
that at home or
> in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-
understood
> fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof
that love
> freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we
are no longer
> isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we
need no
> longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in
God's scheme of
> things---these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of
right living
> for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material
> possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition was not
what we thought it
> was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk
humbly under
> the grace of God...With each passing day of our lives, may every
one of us
> sense more deeply the inner meaning of AA's simple prayer:
>
> God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
> Courage to change the things we can,
> And the wisdom to know the difference.
>
> There are many avenues of recovery help for us if we look for them
as well
> as online recovery groups like this one, but in the end, peace will
only come
> about through change or acceptance and this work rests completely
on our
> shoulders and no one else. Just as water floes downhill without
effort, but
> requires outside forces and energy to make it move uphill. So the
human
> consciousness falls to its lowest levels of the senses without
effort and energies to
> make our consciousness gravitate to more than our base desires.
>
>
> Good Luck,
>
>
>
> V (Male)
>
>
> For access to my earlier posts on voluntary simplicity, compulsive
spending,
> debting, compulsive overeating and clutter write: _vfr44@a..._
> (mailto:vfr44@a...) . Any opinion expressed here is that of my own
and is not the
> opinion, recommendation or belief of any group or organization.
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]