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I have been using the online recovery lists going on 7 years this month
starting around 2-3-98. I had originally started with 12 step recovery in 1974
and joined a few other 12 step groups along the years, but eventually lost
contact with all my 12 step groups when I moved from Los Angeles to the Ohio
Valley
in 1989. Around 1996 I joined the Simple Living or Voluntary Simplicity
movement and started working a Clutterers Anonymous program, but without any
support groups since there were no meetings in my area. In 1997 I had restarted
to
work my Debtors Anonymous program on my own as well after running up much debt
and squandering many hundred thousand of dollars on compulsive spending. Just
by chance I wondered if there was any help for me on the internet, so I asked
a librarian how the internet worked and started searching blindly for help
with search engines. Back then I could not even remember where to type in the
web address and it all looked like I was trying to read Greek.

I then spent the next week at that the library trying to figure out what
email was, how to get a Hotmail account and how to sub-scribe to my first online
recovery group. It took me a whole week to get an email account and figure out
how to sub-scribe with those crazy commands to the list. I had previously
dropped out of Debtors Anonymous in 1989 and this was my fist contact with DA in
9
years, so I was overjoyed when the reply email came that I was finally
sub-scribed after many, many failed attempts. For the first month I used to
print
out the digests completely at the library so I could read and reread them at
home throughout the day. I had to pay .10 per page, but it was worth it to me
and
much cheaper than compulsive spending and creating more debt.

I think my first post to the list was asking advice on how to find release
from the constant envy and jealousy that was eating me up. My second post was
asking how to develop real self worth, since I had run out of things to buy and
money to spend to try and "buy" my self worth. I used to go to the library an
hour a day (they have an hour limit for the net) and sometimes drive to
another library later that day after one library would kick me off so I could
finish up my recovery writing. During this time I would routinely write 10 to 15
hours a week on inventory work. I did that for almost 2 years before getting
internet access at home on an old broken down laptop. Once I found out how
useful
my internet recovery group was to my program I branched out into other areas
of recovery online and eventually found recovery support and groups covering
all my addictions whether it be drugs, alcohol, rage, clutter, depression or
spiritual sickness. So, this was where I started from back then on a cold day in
early February. I can honestly say that without internet recovery and the
support of all its members I would not have the life I live today.

I put a lot of effort in working step 12 and sharing the message with others.
I don't talk about my personal problems much online anymore. This is not
cause I am some sort of blissninny or because I am ashamed to tell you I have
problems. And, it is not because I am trying to make this a "positive pitch
only
meeting " either. I do not present a phony, perfectly recovered life online
while my real life is in shambles. This is the hallmark of a blissninny --
someone In denial and delusion - always saying things are wonderful to put on a
good show for the outside when the insides are a mess. This could stem from
pride
and a big ego. Other times it is just comes from living a fantasy life and
doing a little too much work in the "acting as if" department. If things are
bad I say so and if things are good I say so. I try to base my recovery work and
my life on truth and not ego. The reason I talk about so few personal
problems is for the simple reason I worked to develop a program that repaired
and
restructured my life where things are good most of the time instead of things
being bad as they were in my prior life. And when things get bad, I just apply
the programs recovery tools to the problem without issue, comment or debate.
Sometimes this throws off a group and they think I am promoting something and
cannot be a "real" addict since I do not constantly complain about my personal
problems.

I can assure you I am a real addict. I am in 8-12 step programs and 2 non 12
step recovery programs, so I am as real as real can be in this addiction
department. If it feels good I abuse it and keep abusing it until it starts to
kill
me. And even then I fight letting go of it...if I am into my sickness. Sure,
if major issues pop up I still like to write about them online, but most of my
problems I deal with are not of the same variety that most addicts write
about here and I'd rather use my time to plant recovery seeds in others and
refresh my program with proven recovery tools that have worked for me. My
problems
are nothing to brag about. Just things like a back injury that disabled me for
4 weeks, a neighbor putting up a fence and marring our view, planning on an
empty nest and new expenses when our kid goes to college, fighting a motorcycle
dealer for 3 months to get my vehicle title, a problem with a roof down spout
causing erosion, my car has a weird rattle in the back and things like that.
These are nothing more than everyday, plane Jane problems we all face. This is
why I find voluntary simplicity so important of a state of mind to be in. If
we constantly are adding new problems and new complexities of living on our
backs then we are digging a hole to bury ourselves with a bulldozer instead of a
shovel. Life give us no shortage of problems and hassles to deal with for
free, so why do we go out of our way to help life tear us down even further?

With such everyday problems I apply the tools of my recovery program on an
almost unconscious basis and find the solution and peace with them in short
order. This an important recovery goal to shoot for...naturalness or the ability
to apply your program on an almost automatic basis when problems arise. You
deal with problems by change or release, so you can go on immediately and
without
incident or peace disruption in your life. If I had a constant supply of
problems that most addicts write about daily to the lists, such as: getting
picked
up for a DUI, getting evicted, having my utilities shut off, overdosing on
drugs, having my car repossessed, gambling away my paychecks, picking up STD's,
having my children taken away, getting divorced, going bankrupt and the like
then I could not share on the subject that I do. I cannot share recovery with
one breath and then share sickness with the next breath? Anyone would have to
wonder what right I would have talking about how useful these recovery concepts
and theories were if they did nothing for me in real life? I cannot transmit
what I haven't got? I will let in on a secret. I cannot transmit anything to
you even if I do got it. People have to find it themselves in their own time.
Like an awakening to a Buddha, the addicts find their awaking and becomes
enlightened to these issues in their own time. So trying to force transmission
is
useless. Throughout the day whenever I talk with others I try to work these
seeds into the conversation as well, whether it be a salesman at the front door
or writing a letter to a magazine.

In the couple of decades I went to f2f meetings I did zero inventory work.
The reason I did so poorly at the f2f meetings was from this fact that I did not
write. Once I came to internet recovery I was forced to write everything.
This writing makes all the difference, so I urge any lurkers to start typing if
you want a new life. I could never hope to get all the details out in a 3
minute share at a meeting. When I first started with online recovery I didn't
like
it and was resentful for not having a f2f meetings in my area, but now I
wouldn't trade it for the world. When you write it uses a different part of the
brain than when you talk and I seem to get amazing results as compared to just
talking. But, even with all the recovery I am enjoying today, I can go for 2
weeks or 3 at the most with no contact with my recovery groups before things
start heading downhill for me with the addictions. So, I realize I will always
be
an addict and recovery is only granted one day at a time and sometimes it all
balances around a minute or even a second at a time. Every second of our life
we have the choice of choosing recovery or choosing sickness.

Thanks for everyone's participation with these online support groups for
without this gift that God / HP as provided me and all your support I would not
be
enjoying the new life that I do have today. And, most of all thanks to all
those wonderful letters over the years that have far outweighed the negative
letters and give me the determination to keep on the path of recovery and share
my recovery program with others. I am announcing my semiretirement from these
lists. I will continue to participate, but only on limited basis from now on.
If you like my posts, I have hundreds of old ones archived and will continue to
send them in. Time to practice what I preach instead of just writing about it
- also need fun time to relax my stomach ulcer as computer work irritates it,
so can only give so much of myself to you. Shows the power of writing
inventory doesn't it? It can burn a hole in your stomach when you are serious
about
it!


Take Care,


V (Male)


For access to my earlier posts on voluntary simplicity, compulsive spending,
debting, compulsive overeating and clutter write: vfr44@.... Any opinion
expressed here is that of my own and is not the opinion, recommendation or
belief of any group or organization.


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