Written for a 12 Step Group



(...) Writes:

"It's not other peoples judgments that bother me so much - it's my own. I
need to learn to stop beating myself for my mistakes and do it in a positive way
instead of a judgmental one." (Quotes used with permission)

..
..
..


Yes, we sometimes are our worst judges aren't we - but who better to judge
us than ourselves? Others see us only from the outside or only get a small
glimpse of what is inside. We see our insides as rotten and it can be hard
giving
an unbiased and objective review of what needs to be done when it comes to us
evaluating ourselves. Initially it is good to get others opinions, such as
our sponsor or support group with what needs to be changed when it comes to
getting a balanced review. As we are honest and open with our shares and
inventory
work, these individuals can help with their input. But, we have to be honest
and willing to share with them the truth of what is going on inside us.
Ultimately, we will have to develop belief in ourselves, otherwise our self
worth
will be as elusive as the wind, as no amount of people telling you anything will
convince you if you do not believe it from the inside out. Self worth is
developed from within us by transforming our lives - it is built and not given.
We
develop self worth by restructuring our lives into healthy ones and by
accepting and living within our comfortable means.

Sometimes we look down on ourselves because so many crazy thoughts pop up in
our head. It is not the thought that is so important, it is the emotion that
accompanies the thought. Triggers are all around us, but WE have to be the one
to pull the trigger and emotions provide the pulling leverage. The way our
minds work is not in a vacuum, it is creative and a problem solving mind and
does not discriminate when it comes to generating thoughts. So it generates all
types of thoughts, but it is us and our emotions that latch onto these thoughts
and chew them up to acidify and corrode ourselves with. We still have to be
choosy with our thoughts and not destroy ourselves with them. (My earlier post
entitled "Cultivating the Garden of Our Mind" goes into more detail on this
subject, if you missed it and want a copy write me.) Many addicts use the word
"judgmental" negatively as it is some sort of disease, but without judging
ourselves we cannot measure what needs to be worked on and corrected. If we go
about this judging business with prejudices and preconceived notions of failure,
despair and disgust--then these negative emotions need to be removed from our
evaluation. But, taking inventory or "judging" ourselves and our recovery is
not a bad thing if done with love and acceptance. (My earlier post entitled "3
D's of Recovery-Desire, Determination and Diligence" goes into more detail on
this subject, if you missed it and want a copy write me.)

It was funny, I read the above snip on a list early Sunday morning and when
I attended church later that morning the priest made a mistake and said, "May
we forgive our sins" instead of saying "May God forgive our sins." He
embarrassingly corrected himself, but it got me thinking about this post and how
important it is for us to forgive our sins. After the mass, I spoke with the
priest and said he was correct in his initial statement and how important it is
for
us to come to peace with our sins and forgive ourselves. Personal growth
requires change and whenever there is growth, pain is also a possibility - No
Pain
No Gain as the famous saying goes. If we decide to do nothing, we can skip
the pain of change but will not get away from the pain our addiction causes us.
At least the former pain is good pain and will come to an end, the later pain
is not so good and is never ending as long as we live and practice our
addiction. William Blake wrote, "The road to excess leads to the palace of
wisdom."
Without experiencing an excess of pain the addict is not willing to look for
another way to live. So, we should be grateful for this pain, for it is pain
that causes us to grow. Knowing that we derive benefit from out addictions also
sheds some light on why we do the things we do and helps us forgive ourselves
for our past and current actions. There is a method to our madness (My earlier
post entitled "Benefits We Derive From Our Addictions" goes into more detail
on this subject, if you missed it and want a copy write me.)

Once we get some recovery under our belts, we see a different picture with
our introspective work. We must first change direction in our life and stop
going in the same, sick direction that brought us here. Once we start to get
better, we can learn to accept that we are not perfect but still can work
successfully within our God given ability and be happy. The 12 and 12 describes
this
as "staying right size" Sometimes our judgments of ourselves have too much ego
and perfectionism in them to be thought of as a balanced viewpoint. Other
time we regret the past and all the wreckage we left in the wake of our addicted
life. In either case, we have to learn to develop a new set of standards that
are not unrealistic for us to attain. (My earlier post entitled "Living a
Forced Life" goes into more detail on this subject, if you missed it and want a
copy write me.) And in the case of regretting the past - without our past we
could not be here today in the present. I used to regret my past and all the
wasted time, money and health problems I suffered from my addiction. I also
caused
my family much pain and loss. Yet, without my past and all its associated
pain, all 100% of it, I would not be here writing to you about the subjects I
do,
nor would I be at peace within and with all. I had to go down the path and
make a return trip back to report on it. If I didn't have successful tools to
make the trip back, I'd still be a slave to the addictions. So, I had to make
the journey to get the experience of living a life in the depths of despair to
the ecstasy of finding a new life and being at peace. No, I don't regret the
past much anymore, for without my past I would not be what I am today - You
cannot polish a diamond without friction.

Many times we get caught up in "second guessing" our life, regretting the
past with a bunch of "what-ifs?". As long as we second guess our actions we
will have little peace. Our actions and our past got us to this place and we
cannot deny our past for if we had another past, we could not say for certain
how
our life would have turned out either. An early mentor of mine with online 12
step programs was a fellow named "C." I don't mind telling this story since
"C" told this story in public, on list himself many a time, so I am not breaking
any anonymity with retelling it. I became acquainted with "C" when I joined
his online debt recovery list in 2-98. Up to this point I had been a member of
various 12 step groups for many decades, but only in f2f meeting format and
never by using the internet. I had done a geographic in 1989 and was without my
various recovery groups for many years. Out of desperation, I found out some
recovery sources at the library when I first learned to use the internet. In
the beginnings of 1998 I joined his debt recovery list as a final hope. "C" had
started his list, a few years earlier as a method of keeping his own recovery
program intact after a geographic he made. (My earlier post entitled
"Recovery Options For A New Year" details a multitude of 12 step recovery
programs for
various addictions, if you missed it and want a copy write me.) "C" was a
good example of how to work a recovery program "by the book" as well as a great
reminder to always practice humility in one's life. I would always receive much
wisdom from "C's" posts and remember one such occasion when the question was
asked "How far should an addict drive to get to a meeting?" "C" replied with
another question asking "How far did we drive to practice our addiction? ... we
should drive that far and maybe a little farther to get to a meeting."

"C" had come from humble beginnings in his recovery journey. He posted how
he was one time homeless and living by the charity of his friends in their
basements from what I recall. He had turned this around to getting through
college with a Ph.D. and without running up debt to fund his education. Quite an
accomplishment from where he started from. He later went on to become a college
professor. "C" went to school with a very famous individual - Bill Gates. In
fact, "C" used to eat lunch with him occasionally as they shared the same lunch
table in the colleges cafeteria. One day "C" wrote to the list that he was
somewhat down in the dumps thinking about what might have been "if" he was not a
debtor and an addict. "C" saw the success that Bill Gates eventually attained
as a possibility of success for himself and thought he could be enjoying the
same life of vast riches "IF" he didn't have his addictions on his back. Well,
maybe so, I don't know how "C" would have turned out without his addictions.
But, I do know one thing for sure. If "C" was not an addict and suffered his
past pain "C" would not have started his list. If "C" had not started his list,
I would not have been touched by "C's" blessing in my life and I would not
have started on my own path of recovery and I would not be here writing to you
today. In addition, "C" touched the lives of countless thousands of others
needing help and these addicts touched the lives of countless more thousands of
addicts in despair - all from the efforts of one recovering addict named "C" No,
God / HP had a much higher and nobler purpose in life for "C" than mere money
making. So, we can never second guess the working of life or God or our Higher
Power. Sure it might be nice if we were all a fraction wealthy as Bill Gates
- but if so, who would do all the other work that needs to be done within the
realm of the plan's of our Higher Power? I like to release my life as step 11
mentions ..."praying only for knowledge of Gods / HP's will and the power to
carry it out." Whenever I put my will about God's will I always lose.

Alcoholics Anonymous page 82 underscores this topic of regretting the past
and the grateful realization that a new life was do to our past. For without
our past we would not be where we are at today helping ourselves and helping
others.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be
amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a
new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We
will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far
down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose
interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will
slip
away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and
of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle
situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing
for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We
think not. They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, sometimes
slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

A big breakthrough for me came one day when I learned to accept my
comfortable capabilities and work within them instead of against them. I had to
let go
of perfectionism and accept what I could comfortably do. (My earlier post
"High Capacity ~ Low Capacity Persons" goes into more detail on this subject, if
you missed it and want a copy write me.) Certain addictions can be abstained
from 100% such as alcohol, drugs, gambling and certain ones cannot. Some
addictions require daily participation in, such as eating, spending, sex, time
issues or clutter. I use a cushion for my recovery efforts with these
addictions.
I try to only be 80% to 90% perfect in these areas as I realize these
addictions require judgments to be made with how far to go and whenever humans
make
judgments mistakes can and will happen. If I have no recovery cushion to absorb
the inevitable mistake, then my self esteem absorbs it. (My earlier post
entitled "Putting Peace First" goes into more detail on this subject of cushions
as
well as overcoming the obstacle of perfectionism with your recovery program,
if you missed it and want a copy write me.)

On staying right size and happiness.
Taken from pages 122-125 of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions of Alcoholics
Anonymous.

In later life he (the addict) finds that real happiness is not to be found
in just trying to be a number one man, or even a first-rater int he
heartbreaking struggle for money, romance, or self-importance. He learns that he
can be
content as long as he plays well whatever cards life deal him. He's still
ambitious, but not absurdly so, because he can now see and accept actual
reality.
He is willing to stay right size...

Still more Wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be specially
distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not
many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly
rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with
God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners
in
a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings
are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return,
the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed
prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can
fit and belong in God's scheme of things---these are the permanent and
legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and
circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes.
True
ambition was not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to
live
usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God...

With each passing day of our lives, may every one of us sense more deeply the
inner meaning of AA's simple prayer:

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

End of Quote


Acceptance of my comfortable capabilities helped me with removing some of
the negative thoughts from my judgments. If nothing is ever good enough then it
will be losing battle and I will never find peace in life. In a nutshell, the
serenity prayer is the answer to this problem. It provides action for
recovery and a solution to the problem and acceptance for those problems where
action
does not provide a solution. I work on what I can, do the footwork for a new
life and release the results to God...either way the problem is solved.
Dwelling on the past is a common character defect of addicts. If we can spend
more
time in the present we will do much better. Buddhists make a point of
practicing mindfulness. They say the only real time we are living is NOW, not in
the
past, not in the future. It is tough for me to practice mindfulness since I'm
an ADD as well as an addict, but I do better than before and keep on working to
improve my mindfulness of the present moment. Developing a loving program of
acceptance is important too. (My earlier post entitled "Mindfulness" goes into
more detail on this subject, if you missed it and want a copy write me.)

For instance, if we were living in some backward tribe in the wilderness
and knew how to grow grain and bake bread but had no knowledge of yeast our
bread would be pretty hard, flat and dense. If someone gave us the knowledge
about
how to use yeast, we could then start making leavened bread. We could now
spend our future time regretting the past and how we ate rock hard, unleavened
bread or just move on and be grateful for the new knowledge about how to use
yeast and use our time and energy to make and eat leavened bread for the rest of
our lives. This is the same thing we can do with our recovery work. We didn't
have the knowledge in our past lives about how to change things--now that we
have the knowledge what do we do with it? In the future if we refuse to use
our new knowledge of making leavened bread out of laziness or sloth then we have
a right to beat ourselves up (some) if deep down inside we want leavened
bread, but can't bring ourselves to do the extra work to make it. If we want any
peace, we will have to accept the fact we are lazy and give the idea of
leavened bread up as we just are not capable of doing it. Sometime beating
ourselves
up a little is the precursor to getting started on a new path. If on the other
hand, we are crippled up and cannot make leavened bread for reasons of health
or whatever, then we must learn to accept this and be grateful for our
unleavened bread. It would depend on whether our failure to make leavened bread
was
due to desire (laziness) or design (physical or mental deficiencies) Either
way, acceptance would have to be applied for peace. (My earlier post entitled
"Addict By Design Or By Desire?" goes into more detail on this subject, if you
missed it and want a copy write me.)

Spending much time fantasizing about our future is another popular pastime
for addicts. Addicts like to live in every phase of life except the present.
The present is where we are at and where our problems needs to be addressed.
Our drug's of choice remove us from the present and we can leave our problems
alone for an awhile. Once I started removing my problems that were dogging me,
things started to get better. I used my addictions as distraction from living
life and dealing with problems and as artificial ways to relieve pain. I've
abused these pain relievers so that now they are pain generators in my life.
Isn't it much easier to fantasize about something else than stay in the hear and
now? I try and catch myself when I practice this escapism and work to bring
my thoughts back to the present. Whenever the fantasy starts I check to see
what I am escaping from? Why do I fixate on something else instead of where I'm
at? (My earlier post entitled "Fixated" goes into more detail on this subject,
if you missed it and want a copy write me.)

In 1996 when I joined the Voluntary Simplicity or Simple Living movement
and started removing unneeded complexities from my life, I could see some light
at the end of the tunnel. Looking for simplicity in one's life is a welcome
break for the addict that has lived a life that revolved around sick
complexities. We seldom question if more of a "good thing" is desirable for our
supposed
happiness in life. The question, that Voluntary Simplicity helps answer is
when "enough is enough" so we may be happy right now in the present. A life of
Voluntary Simplicity focuses our attention on the fact that "everything we own
take a little piece ~ peace of us." And in doing so, we can let go of peace and
life destroying rituals and possessions and replace them with a contented,
satisfied and complete life in the present moment instead of a life that
revolves around the next thing to be acquired in hopes of satisfying our
insatiable
appetites. Greed is never satisfied by attainment - it is only satisfied by
contentment. (My earlier post entitled "How I Apply Voluntary Simplicity to My
12
Step Programs" goes into more detail on this subject, if you missed it and
want a copy write me.)

This is a snip from an earlier post to a Buddhist group entitled "No Right-No
Wrong" which is at the foundation of our topic of forgiving ourselves. It is
too long to include the entire post here, if you wish to read it in its
entirety write me for a copy.

"No Right - No Wrong"

"Certain Buddhists and Taoists I run into, especially the debaters, great
philosophers and sensationalists, like to promote the idea of there is "no
right and wrong" to judge in life. Taoist's believe that if we do not favor
right
or wrong, good or bad, beauty or ugliness we will not become attached to such
outcomes. They also believe that the cosmic forces do not favor any of these
things but treat all with equanimity, so they wish to mimic the cosmos to be in
unity with it. While this extreme view of "no right or wrong" holds some
truth, it also needs to be balanced with the idea of the conventional view of
right and wrong to find a balanced "middle path" view of right and wrong if we
wish to live within society. In general, we cannot say what is good bad, right
or
wrong for others since we do not know where they are on the path of their
existence and what they need to learn or overcome to get where they are going.
On
the other hand, decisions have to be made to survive in our world and when
decision have to be made so do judgments have to be decided on-so yes we must
have a basis for deciding to go left or right in life. The part of this idea
that helps me with anger and prejudice with others is to remember we cannot tell
others what is right for them. We can make suggestions, but since we are not
the "end all" in the universe we just do not know. So, I try to remember this
when I get too judgmental. This middle path view can also be applied to the
idea of existence and non existence as well for those having trouble with this
concept." (My earlier post entitled "I Am Having Trouble With Steps 2 and 3"
goes into more detail on how I apply Buddhism to my recovery work. If you missed
it and want a copy write me.)

End of snip


So, there are many tools we can utilize when it comes to finding peace with
his subject of "judging ourselves." Maybe the best advice on this is to do as
the serenity prayer advises use to do. We can develop wisdom and find peace
through change or find peace through acceptance - but either way peace is
available to us. The only question for us is which path do we take?


Take Care,



V


For access to my earlier posts on voluntary simplicity, compulsive spending,
debting, compulsive overeating and clutter write: vfr44@.... Any opinion
expressed here is that of my own and is not the opinion, recommendation or
belief of any group or organization. Comments requiring a response should be
sent
direct.


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