Now here is the insane part. Your paycheck is on a thursday and you
blow it, knowing fully well that you dont need to. You get paid
anywhere from 880 to 1500 every 2 weeks. 500 of it goes to the ex
with the kids...this leaves you with 300 to 1000 every paycheck to
take care of your bills and do whatever you want to do with it.
Besides from gambling. You know this, your girlfriend knows this and
everyone you ever cared about knows this. BUT YET, KaPooey! You blow
it! Why? Who the Hell Knows why? If we knew the reason why, could we
stop? Not only that part of it...You swear to god and everyone else
that it wont happen again because you dont want that feeling of
worthlessness that comes after loosing it all. The girlfriend says
yopu do it again and your out of here...Come the 1st of the month you
get a retirement check of 350 and what do you do with it?....Buy a
digital camera for her kids and plan on going to the grocery store
with the rest. But what happens....after the
camera.....Whammoooo!!!!! You blow it again. What kind of sanity is
this? Its not sane....Knowing full well what the outcome is going to
be....I still do it. This was the 1st of November 2004. I dropped off
the camera at her house and have not been back to her house since. I
have not talked to her either. Oh yeah...and to top it off I was
suppose to put 100 of it in her bank account for the outings she has
fronted for us to go on for the previous 2 weeks, like dinners,
pumpkin patches and so on....Knowing fully well that 100 needed to be
put in her bank account and still blowing it....No way to make that
up....(except to try and put it in her bank account on the next
payday....Meanwhile she bounces checks because of me....and knowing
this would be an outcome....ARE WE ALL HYPNOTISED INTO THIS TYPE OF
BEHAVIOR. I dont drink (cant afford it damn it!) I dont do drugs
(could not afford that either if I wanted to, besides could not see
how drugs would be an IN THING) Smoke ciggerettes...on the verge of
quitting that. So why is the gambling urge there? What makes it so?
And if I knew would I care to kill that urge? Suicide is not an
option in the christian faith. Niether is running away from a fight.
AND THIS IS A FIGHT!!!!!A fight for my sanity and everyone around me.
I love that girlfriend of mind...I am not right in the head right now
to be with her and I know this. I am not right in the head to be with
any woman....NOT UNTIL I GET THIS UNDER CONTROL. Her ex husband is a
gambler and a druggy. I dont like the idea that I fit in the same
stupid category. This is the worse of it all. I am no better then
anyone else.....RESOLVE is what is needed. Padded cell is not an
option either. Every day we read about some bank or store being
robbed here in reno....Gambling or drugs are the usual crutch for the
reason behind the crimes. This crap has to stop!