We have no control over the actions of others , we can only control our
re-actions .
  You must remember that your state of mind is up to you ...You can choose
happiness or choose misery !!
                     have a great day !!
                         Henry





________________________________
From: Yvonne Cuffe <ycuffe@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Thursday, June 25, 2009 9:08:12 AM
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I know he's an alcoholic, I think I'm going mad





It is great to hear that you have succeeded in achieving detachment, although it
is a little alarming to hear it took you 24 years to achieve it! I hear what you
are saying and agree that is what I need to do, but I am struggling. Did you
just continually say I am not in control of you and eventually it sink in or did
you have some sort of an ephiny? I so desperatly want peace of mind and
contentment. I pray that I will some day realise that.

Thanks for listening.
Yvonne

____________ _________ _________ __
From: "Rhen56@..." <Rhen56@...>
To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 8:21:59 PM
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I know he's an alcoholic, I think I'm going mad

I came to the realization that I'm in control of my own destination, and
my alcoholic is in control of his own.
I support him by not enabling him, and I make him responsible for his own
actions. If I allow anybody else to control my emotions, and thoughts, then
I've lost my sense of direction. I didn't get to this point overnight, it's
taken me 24 years, and I'm still not done working on me. Learning to "Let
Go and Let God" helps me quite a bit.
************ **An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy
Steps!
(http://pr.atwola. com/promoclk/ 100126575x122237 7052x1201454391/ aol?redir=
http://www. freecreditreport .com/pm/default. aspx?sc=668072& hmpgID=62& bcd=Jun
eExcfooterNO62)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Get the book "The Language of Letting Go". It's a process and will take time, be
patient. As with anything, the more you practice, the better you will become. 
I have been on both ends of this recovery journey, personally sober since
1/8/2004 and have a beautiful 18 year old son that has been struggling for 3
years or so.  He will be entering rehab for the 4th time next week, after a
month in jail-3rd time.  It is heartbreaking, but if I can do it, anyone can. 
Today I have internal peace, even when I am surrounded by chaos.



Good luck




----- Original Message -----
From: "Yvonne Cuffe" <ycuffe@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Thursday, June 25, 2009 8:08:12 AM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I know he's an alcoholic, I think I'm going mad








It is great to hear that you have succeeded in achieving detachment, although it
is a little alarming to hear it took you 24 years to achieve it! I hear what you
are saying and agree that is what I need to do, but I am struggling. Did you
just continually say I am not in control of you and eventually it sink in or did
you have some sort of an ephiny? I so desperatly want peace of mind and
contentment. I pray that I will some day realise that.

Thanks for listening.
Yvonne

________________________________
From: " Rhen56@... " < Rhen56@... >
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 8:21:59 PM
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I know he's an alcoholic, I think I'm going mad

I came to the realization that I'm in control of my own destination, and
my alcoholic is in control of his own.
I support him by not enabling him, and I make him responsible for his own
actions. If I allow anybody else to control my emotions, and thoughts, then
I've lost my sense of direction. I didn't get to this point overnight, it's
taken me 24 years, and I'm still not done working on me. Learning to "Let
Go and Let God" helps me quite a bit.
************ **An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy
Steps!
( http://pr.atwola. com/promoclk/ 100126575x122237 7052x1201454391/ aol?redir=
http://www. freecreditreport .com/pm/default. aspx?sc=668072& hmpgID=62& bcd=Jun
eExcfooterNO62)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

What I meant by 24 years, is....I'm still and always will be  working on
me. It truly took me about 2 years to learn how to detach. But that  is me.
Others it might catch on before that. It's all on us, and how we choose  to
stick with our recovery. I've always been the caretaker, and that's rather
difficult for me to get away from. It's a role that was taught to me, and
breaking that cycle can be done.
I had to tell myself I was in control of me, and me only. I also  set
boundaries I could adhere to, not ones that I would fear I'd  fluctuate.
**************Make your summer sizzle with fast and easy recipes for the
grill. (http://food.aol.com/grilling?ncid=emlcntusfood00000006)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

It is great to hear that you have succeeded in achieving detachment, although it
is a little alarming to hear it took you 24 years to achieve it! I hear what you
are saying and agree that is what I need to do, but I am struggling. Did you
just continually say I am not in control of you and eventually it sink in or did
you have some sort of an ephiny? I so desperatly want peace of mind and
contentment. I pray that I will some day realise that.

Thanks for listening.
Yvonne




________________________________
From: "Rhen56@..." <Rhen56@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 8:21:59 PM
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I know he's an alcoholic, I think I'm going mad





I came to the realization that I'm in control of my own destination, and
my alcoholic is in control of his own.
I support him by not enabling him, and I make him responsible for his own
actions. If I allow anybody else to control my emotions, and thoughts, then
I've lost my sense of direction. I didn't get to this point overnight, it's
taken me 24 years, and I'm still not done working on me. Learning to "Let
Go and Let God" helps me quite a bit.
************ **An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy
Steps!
(http://pr.atwola. com/promoclk/ 100126575x122237 7052x1201454391/ aol?redir=
http://www. freecreditreport .com/pm/default. aspx?sc=668072& hmpgID=62& bcd=Jun
eExcfooterNO62)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I came to the realization that I'm in control of my own  destination, and
my alcoholic is in control of his own.
I support him by not enabling him, and I make him responsible for  his own
actions. If I allow anybody else to control my emotions, and thoughts,  then
I've lost my sense of direction. I didn't get to this point overnight, it's
  taken me 24 years, and I'm still not done working on me. Learning to "Let
Go and  Let God" helps me quite a bit.
**************An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy
Steps!
(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222377052x1201454391/aol?redir=http://\
www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072&hmpgID=62&bcd=Jun
eExcfooterNO62)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have just joined so I am not completly sure how this works. I am looking to more
experienced members for their advise on how they achieved detachment. I know
members do not offer advice, but I guess if I heard how people achieved
detachment from their alcohilic then "I can take what I want and leave the rest"
I am in the fortunate in that the alcoholic in my life is in recovery. But I am
unfortunate in having an alcoholic in my life at all!!! I am now trying to learn
about detachment as I feel this is the next step I need to take in order to
maintain my sanity. I struggle here though as I cannot differentiate between
detachment and abondonment. How in the name of all that is good and holy do you
detach without adopting and attitude of "Sod You" I truely want to support my
husband and it is fantastic that he is working so hard at maintaining sorbiety,
but how do I support him and mind myself????????

Hi Yvonne ,
      welcome to  the group ...  feel free to post anytime .
                   Sincerely,    Henry




________________________________
From: Yvonne Cuffe <ycuffe@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 1:54:01 PM
Subject: [chicago alanon] (unknown)





Hi,

Looking to join email group, have been advised to send email to this address.

Regards
Yvonne

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi,

Looking to join email group, have been advised to send email to this address.

Regards
Yvonne




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Thanks, I'm trying the letting God thing, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself,
it's just not working.  Guess I'm not trying hard enough...found out yesterday
he won't graduate HS on time, since he failed two classes.  Does your son live
with you?


----- Original Message -----
From: Rhen56@...
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2009 12:44:39 PM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Kids






It isn't easy watching it happen. Mine is such a rebellion, that if
confronted, he continues to run. There can be an intervention done on your
child.
Call the narcotics anonymous hot line number.
As for myself being able to sit back and watch? I have had to let go, and
let God.
**************Know Your Numbers: Get tips and tools to help you improve your
credit score.
( http://www.walletpop.com/credit/credit-reports?ncid=emlcntuswall00000002 )

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You just described my husband completely and I have struggled with this for
almost 6 years now.  There is no way to tell when it is relapse or continuous
use and the boundaries you set have to be kept or it will continue.  I finally
decided I couldn't live with in anymore.  I have sought and gotten help for 2
years now but also give in and let him win.  I don't know how to stick with what
I want for my life but it doesn't, I repeat, IT DOESN'T get any better until
they get some sort of help willingly.  My husband used to be my best friend and
I enjoyed being with him even when he was drinking and drugging but then he let
me in on all his little secrets and then he started being abusive because I
didn't agree with his behaviors any more and I made up my mind to leave.  I put
a deposit down on a place of my own and brought boxes home and he went out of
control because he knows I am leaving this time.  Not only did he phsyically
hurt me he hurt our 3
  year old son and I had to have him arrested.  No matter how much I love him I
know he is very sick and won't change even though he says he will and says he
loves me and our kids.  Right now I am so torn apart but my kids mean everything
to me; their well-being and safety and that drew the line for me.  I think there
are ways to live with a person and accept their addictions and love
unconditionally but there is also a breaking point where you have to realize
what is healthy in your life and what is not.  No matter how bad it is hurting
me that I hurt him by putting him in jail I have to realize what is right and
wrong.

--- On Thu, 1/22/09, Danielle Pietz <heavenly_39531@...> wrote:

From: Danielle Pietz <heavenly_39531@...>
Subject: [chicago alanon] another newbie
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 10:32 AM






OK so where to start...my husband is not so much addicted to alcohol
as he is intoxication. Let me explain...he uses pain pill in addition
to alcohol to keep his buzz. He actually prefers pills and has
admitted to having a problem. He uses alcohol to substitute or
enhance his high if he is without or wants to get even more
inebriated. He admitted his addiction to the drugs about three months
ago and said he wanted to quit using. However he says he will not
quit drinking...says he is not addicted. Which he may not be a
typical alcoholic that has to drink every day, but he has no stopping
point when he starts. For him there is no such thing as a couple of
beers. When he decides that he is going to drink it is full on and I
would bet he never drinks with out taking some type of pain pill.
Since he has told me about his addiction he has done nothing to try
and sober up. In fact it seems to have gotten worse...now that I know
he does not have to try and hide it. Sunday I left for two days and
told him I loved him but I would not allow our children to witness his
behavior and I was not going to sit back and watch him self-destruct.
He basically said that he was going to choose the drug over me.
Tuesday we talked and he said he did not want me to leave. But he was
going to quit on his terms. I do not want to give up on him but I am
not going to take a back seat and I am not going to keep my mouth shut
and pretend like nothing is going on.

I am at a lost because I believe that he can be free from his
addiction. I know that it is up to him to quit-but and please dont
take this the wrong way but a lot of what I am reading sounds like we
are just supposed to live our own lives and leave them to their own
devices. And please understand that I have not been to a meeting yet
so I don't know what is taught in al-anon..I am just saying what I am
understanding in everyone elses e-mails and responses. I understand
that I am choosing to stay in a marriage with someone who is addicted
to drugs and alcohol, but only if he is actively seeking treatment.
How do I stay supportive without being a nag. How do I handle my
questioning when I think he has been using. I know that relapse is a
part of recovery but when is it relapse and when is it just continual
use. Thanks for listening all and thanks for being there. Its nice
to know I am not the only one alone in a house full of people.


















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

It isn't easy watching it happen. Mine is such a rebellion, that if
confronted, he continues to run. There can be an intervention done on your 
child.
Call the narcotics anonymous hot line number.
As for myself being able to sit back and watch? I have had to let  go, and
let God.
**************Know Your Numbers: Get tips and tools to help you improve your
credit score.
(http://www.walletpop.com/credit/credit-reports?ncid=emlcntuswall00000002)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

But how did you get to a place where you can sit back and allow him to hit his
bottom?  This is absolute torture for me.  I am a recovering alcoholic so know
it can be done, but have also read and heard that you can raise the bottom for
people, espeicially kids.  I pray constantly, but it's killing me to watch. 



Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it!!!


----- Original Message -----
From: Rhen56@...
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2009 10:47:39 AM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Kids






I have a son that's 23, and he has chosen the drug path himself. I have to
sit back and allow him to hit his bottom, but until that happens, I pray that
he gets back on the right road. As hard as that is, it can be done. He knows
I'm there for him anytime he needs or wants me to be, and he knows I'll never
quit loving him.
**************Know Your Numbers: Get tips and tools to help you improve your
credit score.
( http://www.walletpop.com/credit/credit-reports?ncid=emlcntuswall00000002 )

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I have a son that's 23, and he has chosen the drug path himself. I  have to
sit back and allow him to hit his bottom, but until that happens, I pray  that
he gets back on the right road. As hard as that is, it can be done. He  knows
I'm there for him anytime he needs or wants me to be, and he knows I'll  never
quit loving him.
**************Know Your Numbers: Get tips and tools to help you improve your
credit score.
(http://www.walletpop.com/credit/credit-reports?ncid=emlcntuswall00000002)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I'm looking for other parents that have kids (my son is 18) who have had issues
with substance abuse, the law, stealing...I am so worried about him it consumes
most of who I am, how I function and my general happiness.  He's been in
outpatient treatment twice, and attended a 60 day wilderness program in the
sring of 2008 after his arrest and a near overdose.  He is on probation and if
he doesn't stay clean he is facing prison time, not for anything violent but I
guess that doesn't really matter.  The thought of that alone, makes me almost
physically ill, or at least gives me a panic attack that is almost disabling.



I want to help, but don't want to go down with him. 



Please help me


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I will try to live through this day only.

I cannot get better or fix my broken life and everything today.

I wan't to take care of my own uncared for issues.

What I really should do is that pile of papers in my closet.

Maybe. Or maybe i'll go make a pot of chili.

Paul

Thanks for the replies to my questions.  I heard from several of you and have
already started to feel better sorta.  :)  As for a sponser and going to local
meetings, well, I live way out in the sticks and getting to any type of meeting
on a regular basis is most likely not going to happen.   That's why I am so
grateful to have a computer!  :)  Is there any such thing as a sponser online? 
I realize I don't have to have one like RIGHT NOW, so i can wait and see too. 
I'm sure my HP will take care of that for me.

I've been listening to some of what others are saying and I can see now that I
am not alone in feeling so helpless.  I was real leary about joining any groups
because I really don't want to be told that I have to leave my A if I want him
to get well.  I see now that this isn't the case at all and I appreciate it to
no end.  I see that I can't change who he is or what he does, I don't have that
kind of control. I can control myself to a certain extent and I see that I am
the one tha has to change here, since I can't change anyone else.  I have to
draw boundaries and stick with them as well as I can.  That's tough, but not
impossible.  :)  Anyway, thanks for you feedback all of you.  HaWKHawk



  EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me

To: chicagoalanon@...: Rhen56@...: Thu, 22 Jan 2009
11:03:10 -0500Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Newbie here with a ton of questions



For me to choose a sponsor, I went to meetings and listened to what everybody
said. I chose the one that I felt knew what it took to quit being an enabler,
and could help me get my life and mind back on the right track. I didn't choose
a sponsor for about a month, yet I did go to different meetings daily, to find
the one I felt most comfortable with.I read my One Day At A Time book daily, and
say the Serenity Prayer to get me through the day. A good sponsor will practice
"tough love". They'll give you the tools, but they'll make you do the leg work.
The elevator was always the easy out, but the 12 Steps are healthier.Everybody
in meetings started at the beginning, and will accept you, and love you
unconditonally. As for his choices when you better yourself? You have no control
over that. You do however, have a choice to control your own life, or still
allow it to be controlled by him.My experience has been that an alcoholic NOT
trying to better themselves, will feel threatened when we try to better
ourselves. They want us to stay as sick as they are, because they've grown
accustomed to US being sick. When we try to better ourselves, the active
alcoholic will go to any length to keep us down with them. Heaven forbid should
we take them out of their comfort zone.Boundaries must be set and adhered to. We
HAVE a right to stand up for ourselves, in a non-confrontational way. Alanon has
given me the tools to do that.My Higher Power gets me through anything, if I
allow myself to rely on him by letting go, and letting
him.**************Inauguration '09: Get complete coverage from the nation's
capital.
(http://news.aol.com/main/politics/inauguration?ncid=emlcntusnews00000003)[Non-t\
ext portions of this message have been removed]






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You can hide your e-mail address, but I don't think you can E-mail
the group if you do that .  as for your display name ,I think you have
to change that on your yahoo profile .
   I do not allow spammers in here or people who are in here for
anything other than Alanon .


--- In chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com, "Danielle Pietz"
<heavenly_39531@...> wrote:
>
> Um...so is there a way to hide my last name and full e-mail.  Sorry
> just kinda weird.
>

Um...so is there a way to hide my last name and full e-mail.  Sorry
just kinda weird.

OK so where to start...my husband is not so much addicted to alcohol
as he is intoxication.  Let me explain...he uses pain pill in addition
to alcohol to keep his buzz.  He actually prefers pills and has
admitted to having a problem.  He uses alcohol to substitute or
enhance his high if he is without or wants to get even more
inebriated. He admitted his addiction to the drugs about three months
ago and said he wanted to quit using.  However he says he will not
quit drinking...says he is not addicted.  Which he may not be a
typical alcoholic that has to drink every day, but he has no stopping
point when he starts.  For him there is no such thing as a couple of
beers.  When he decides that he is going to drink it is full on and I
would bet he never drinks with out taking some type of pain pill.
Since he has told me about his addiction he has done nothing to try
and sober up.  In fact it seems to have gotten worse...now that I know
he does not have to try and hide it.  Sunday I left for two days and
told him I loved him but I would not allow our children to witness his
behavior and I was not going to sit back and watch him self-destruct.
  He basically said that he was going to choose the drug over me.
Tuesday we talked and he said he did not want me to leave.  But he was
going to quit on his terms.  I do not want to give up on him but I am
not going to take a back seat and I am not going to keep my mouth shut
and pretend like nothing is going on.

I am at a lost because I believe that he can be free from his
addiction.  I know that it is up to him to quit-but and please dont
take this the wrong way but a lot of what I am reading sounds like we
are just supposed to live our own lives and leave them to their own
devices.  And please understand that I have not been to a meeting yet
so I don't know what is taught in al-anon..I am just saying what I am
understanding in everyone elses e-mails and responses.  I understand
that I am choosing to stay in a marriage with someone who is addicted
to drugs and alcohol, but only if he is actively seeking treatment.
How do I stay supportive without being a nag.  How do I handle my
questioning when I think he has been using.  I know that relapse is a
part of recovery but when is it relapse and when is it just continual
use.  Thanks for listening all and thanks for being there.  Its nice
to know I am not the only one alone in a house full of people.

Hi:  Here at Al-Anon we don't have age requirement so it doesn't matter.  When I
started Al-Anon I went to all the meetings in my neighbour and found the one
that felt right to me. 

--- On Thu, 1/22/09, noelle <nkathleen1980@...> wrote:

From: noelle <nkathleen1980@...>
Subject: [chicago alanon] Which Face-to-Face Group?
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Received: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 4:14 PM






Hi, Are groups divided by age or gender, etc? I'm trying to figure out which one
I should be attending - I'm a 28 year old female with an alcoholic husband.
We've been married a little over a year. Would appreciate any suggestions as to
which group in Chicago I should be attending, or if it even matters. Thanks.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

There are an array of meetings. Some are set for women only, some  for men
only, and some for both. Pick a meeting that you're comfortable in. I  always
like hearing the male side as well as the ladies side. We all have our
preferences, and that's ok today.
**************Inauguration '09:  Get complete coverage from the nation's
capital.
(http://news.aol.com/main/politics/inauguration?ncid=emlcntusnews00000003)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi, Are groups divided by age or gender, etc? I'm trying to figure out which one
I should be attending - I'm a 28 year old female with an alcoholic husband.
We've been married a little over a year. Would appreciate any suggestions as to
which group in Chicago I should be attending, or if it even matters. Thanks.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

For me to choose a sponsor, I went to meetings and listened to what
everybody said. I chose the one that I felt knew what it took to quit being an
enabler, and could help me get my life and mind back on the right track. I 
didn't
choose a sponsor for about a month, yet I did go to different  meetings daily,
to find the one I felt most  comfortable with.
I read my One Day At A Time book daily, and say the Serenity  Prayer to get
me through the day. A good sponsor will practice "tough love".  They'll give
you the tools, but they'll make you do the leg work. The elevator  was always
the easy out, but the 12 Steps are healthier.
Everybody in meetings started at the beginning, and will accept  you, and
love you unconditonally.

As for his choices when you better yourself? You have no control  over that.
You do however, have a choice to control your own life, or still  allow it to
be controlled by him.
My experience has been that an alcoholic NOT trying to better  themselves,
will feel threatened when we try to better ourselves. They want  us to stay as
sick as they are, because they've grown accustomed to US being  sick. When we
try to better ourselves, the active alcoholic will go to any  length to keep us
down with them. Heaven forbid should we take them out of their  comfort zone.

Boundaries must be set and adhered to. We HAVE a right to stand up  for
ourselves, in a non-confrontational way. Alanon has given me the tools to do 
that.

My Higher Power gets me through anything, if I allow myself to rely  on him
by letting go, and letting him.





**************Inauguration '09:  Get complete coverage from the nation's
capital.
(http://news.aol.com/main/politics/inauguration?ncid=emlcntusnews00000003)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

It is suggested that you get a sponsor to help you with things you cannot deal
with and it is \more personal than online.  If you go to Face to Face meetings
start looking for somebody that you can relate too and you feel comfortable
talking too. 
Hope this helps you with the Sponsor.
 
Wendy

--- On Thu, 1/22/09, noelle <nkathleen1980@...> wrote:

From: noelle <nkathleen1980@...>
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Newbie here with a ton of questions
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Received: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 3:53 PM






Hi, I am also brand new, and am in a similar situation with my husband. I didn't
know that Al-Anon members needed a sponsor too; could you let me know if you
gets answers about it?
 
Thanks

--- On Thu, 1/22/09, hawk lame <hawk00072@hotmail. com> wrote:

From: hawk lame <hawk00072@hotmail. com>
Subject: [chicago alanon] Newbie here with a ton of questions
To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
Date: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 10:21 AM

hi
I just joined this group and thought I'd just jump right in and start asking
questions. First, I am hearing that I need a sponser, so how do i go about that?

And second, I am joining this group because my husband is an alcoholic and I
know now that I am just as sick as he is. Maybe even sicker as he at least knows
what his problem is, I really don't understand how come I've let it take me down
so far with him. I'm just realizing that I can't change who he is or what he is
doing to himself, but I can change how it affects me. I'm tired of being so
needy of him and his time and wishing for things that just aren't going to
happen. I have been living with the fantasy that I am his first love, and now I
know that isn't true. I come second, I always have, and more than likely it's
always going to be that way, especially if I don't start realizing that I am the
only one who can stop this cycle.
I guess that's the first step right? Admitting that I am powerless? I do admit
that, I know that for sure, so what is next, how do I go on from here and still
retain my self-respect? I understand that I have to have boundaries, but how do
I stick with them? I find myself moving the boundaries back further and further
at times, and I know I can't win this war if I do that. I'm just so scared that
if I finally draw the line and stick by it, then he will be forced to choose. I
dont' think I will like what his choice will be. I know with me ulitimatums make
me run the other way, so why would he be different, especially since the devil
seems to have him in his grip so completely.
I dont know how to get the courage to face this change that I know is coming. I
want to just stick my head in the ground and let it all flow past me,
unfortunately, I know I can't do that anymore.

So, any feedback would be nice and thanks for listening. Hawk

EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi, I am also brand new, and am in a similar situation with my husband. I didn't
know that Al-Anon members needed a sponsor too; could you let me know if you
gets answers about it?
 
Thanks

--- On Thu, 1/22/09, hawk lame <hawk00072@...> wrote:

From: hawk lame <hawk00072@...>
Subject: [chicago alanon] Newbie here with a ton of questions
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, January 22, 2009, 10:21 AM







hi
I just joined this group and thought I'd just jump right in and start asking
questions. First, I am hearing that I need a sponser, so how do i go about that?

And second, I am joining this group because my husband is an alcoholic and I
know now that I am just as sick as he is. Maybe even sicker as he at least knows
what his problem is, I really don't understand how come I've let it take me down
so far with him. I'm just realizing that I can't change who he is or what he is
doing to himself, but I can change how it affects me. I'm tired of being so
needy of him and his time and wishing for things that just aren't going to
happen. I have been living with the fantasy that I am his first love, and now I
know that isn't true. I come second, I always have, and more than likely it's
always going to be that way, especially if I don't start realizing that I am the
only one who can stop this cycle.
I guess that's the first step right? Admitting that I am powerless? I do admit
that, I know that for sure, so what is next, how do I go on from here and still
retain my self-respect? I understand that I have to have boundaries, but how do
I stick with them? I find myself moving the boundaries back further and further
at times, and I know I can't win this war if I do that. I'm just so scared that
if I finally draw the line and stick by it, then he will be forced to choose. I
dont' think I will like what his choice will be. I know with me ulitimatums make
me run the other way, so why would he be different, especially since the devil
seems to have him in his grip so completely.
I dont know how to get the courage to face this change that I know is coming. I
want to just stick my head in the ground and let it all flow past me,
unfortunately, I know I can't do that anymore.

So, any feedback would be nice and thanks for listening. Hawk

EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

hi
  I just joined this group and thought I'd just jump right in and start asking
questions.  First, I am hearing that I need a sponser, so how do i go about
that?

And second, I am joining this group because my husband is an alcoholic and I
know now that I am just as sick as he is.  Maybe even sicker as he at least
knows what his problem is, I really don't understand how come I've let it take
me down so far with him.  I'm just realizing that I can't change who he is or
what he is doing to himself, but I can change how it affects me.  I'm tired of
being so needy of him and his time and wishing for things that just aren't going
to happen.  I have been living with the fantasy that I am his first love, and
now I know that isn't true.  I come second, I always have, and more than likely
it's always going to be that way, especially if I don't start realizing that I
am the only one who can stop this cycle.
    I guess that's the first step right?  Admitting that I am powerless?  I do
admit that, I know that for sure, so what is next, how do I go on from here and
still retain my self-respect?  I understand that I have to have boundaries, but
how do I stick with them?  I find myself moving the boundaries back further and
further at times, and I know I can't win this war if I do that.  I'm just so
scared that if I finally draw the line and stick by it, then he will be forced
to choose.  I dont' think I will like what his choice will be.  I know with me
ulitimatums make me run the other way, so why would he be different, especially
since the devil seems to have him in his grip so completely.
I dont know how to get the courage to face this change that I know is coming.  I
want to just stick my head in the ground and let it all flow past me,
unfortunately, I know I can't do that anymore.

So, any feedback would be nice and thanks for listening.  Hawk



  EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOODJoin me

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.



----- Original Message ----
From: Echelle Wysong <eggnmattw@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:52:00 AM
Subject: Fw: [chicago alanon] Re: I think he is an alcoholic.




I was told that in Al-Anon we're not supposed to give advice.  We are only to
share our experience, strength and hope.  So, with that in mind, I wanted to
share this with you because I had a very hard time "detaching with love" in the
beginning.  Its hard watching someone slowly kill themselves with alcohol.  I
wanted to help, fix and control... it was so painful.  Then I began to learn how
to detach with love.  For me, detaching goes hand-in-hand with setting healthy
boundaries.  Here is something i read recently that helped me a great deal and i
hope it helps you:


Healthy Limits

Boundaries are vital to recovery. Having and setting healthy limits
Is connected to all phases of recovery: growing in self esteem,
Dealing with feelings, and learning to really love and value ourselves.

Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go
Of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve.
As our thinking about this becomes dearer, so will our boundaries.

Boundaries are also connected to a Higher Timing than our own. We'll
Set a limit when we're ready, and not a moment before. So will others.

There's something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready
To set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously
Too. Things change, not because we're controlling others, but because
We've changed.

Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow, and set the limits I need
In my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me.

Melody Beattie©
...While writing the above, I received this email...  must be a God shot.  I
hope this helps too:

Boundaries

Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves. They are our
way of protecting ourselves and reflect what we feel we deserve in life. As
adults it is important for us to evaluate our boundaries to determine if they
are still right for us. We may well find that as creatures of habit we may be
repeating the same patterns of thinking and reacting that no longer serve us
well. It is by increasing our emotional fitness that we can create boundaries
which reflect who we truly are.
Here are three area which make up our emotional fitness

1. Physical
What we know is that how we take care of our bodies influences how we feel about
ourselves. A physical examination will tell you if you need to be concerned
about specific health issues. Incorporating regular exercise into your weekly
schedule will increase your energy level. Likewise taking time to eat and eating
nutritiously will be empowering.

2. Mental
This area covers both the cognitive/thinking and the emotional/feeling part. It
encompasses the work you do and how you feel about yourself and your life. Being
in a job that is challenging, cultivating a positive attitude and having tools
for managing stress will greatly enhance emotional fitness and self-mastery.

3. Spiritual
By spiritual I do not mean specific religious beliefs although they inevitably
are part of who we are. I look at spiritual fitness as deriving from being
connected to deeply held values and having a purpose in life beyond
self-interest. Our spiritual energy pushes us forward to keep growing to be the
people we are capable of being.
In order to grow we have to have our boundaries. As we grow in our emotional
fitness we will naturally expand our boundaries to reflect who we are becoming.
Life is not static. We all have the capacity to unlearn what holds us back and
to engage in life in a way that allows us to keep growing through out our lives.

Good luck to you and please, keep coming back.  My life is so much better today
because of Al-Anon.  My loved ones are still drinking but MY attitude toward
them and their drinking has changed.  Today I say what I mean but don't say it
mean.  I keep myself (and my son) out of harms way at all times.  Much love,
Shell W.

____________ _________ _________ __
To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
From: koreanadopteevirgo@ yahoo.com
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2008 12:44:05 -0700
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Re: I think he is an alcoholic.

If you love someone then you will leave them if that is what's best for that
person. Love is about doing what is best for someone even if it means giving
them up.

----- Original Message ----
From: dmhcmoon <dmhcmoon@yahoo. com>
To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Saturday, August 9, 2008 4:54:53 PM
Subject: [chicago alanon] Re: I think he is an alcoholic.

I'm in a similar situation, but in addition he cheats on me. Staying mostly for
my kids
because I think they need a dad, but curious about the advice others give you.
--- In chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com, "Amy E." <elinofa@.... > wrote:
>
> I hear what you guys are saying. It had not occurred to me that the
> other driver was enabling. Of course.
>
> However, as far as living in chaos, tell me this: what happens when
> you are in love with that human being? I haven't figured out yet how
> not to be with him and be involved in caring for him, even if it is
> sometimes against his will...
>
>
> --- In chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com, Rhen56@ wrote:
> >
> > An alcoholic will go to any lengths to get that drink. I will go to
> any
> > lengths to use the tools given me through Alanon, to keep my life
> and mind in
> > order.
> > Your husband has a child too, and it doesn't keep him from going to
> bars..
> > Check with your Al-Anon meetings to see if they offer child care,
> and if they
> > don't, maybe you could suggest a way to get child care started, or
> ask a
> > neighbor to watch your child for a couple of hours.
> > You made the choice to come back into that environment, knowing he
> was an
> > active alkie. We choose to live in chaos, or we choose to walk away
> from it, and
> > only you can decide which life you want. We're a victim once, and
> if we
> > choose to stay, we've become volunteers.
> >
> >
> > Rhenda
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ************ **Looking for a car that's sporty, fun and fits in your
> budget?
> > Read reviews on AOL Autos.
> >
> (http://autos. aol.com/cars- BMW-128-2008/ expert-review? ncid=aolaut00050
000000017
> )
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>

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