I was told that in Al-Anon we're not supposed to give advice. We are only to
share our experience, strength and hope. So, with that in mind, I wanted to
share this with you because I had a very hard time "detaching with love" in the
beginning. Its hard watching someone slowly kill themselves with alcohol. I
wanted to help, fix and control... it was so painful. Then I began to learn how
to detach with love. For me, detaching goes hand-in-hand with setting healthy
boundaries. Here is something i read recently that helped me a great deal and i
hope it helps you:


Healthy Limits

Boundaries are vital to recovery. Having and setting healthy limits
Is connected to all phases of recovery: growing in self esteem,
Dealing with feelings, and learning to really love and value ourselves.

Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go
Of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve.
As our thinking about this becomes dearer, so will our boundaries.

Boundaries are also connected to a Higher Timing than our own. We'll
Set a limit when we're ready, and not a moment before. So will others.

There's something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready
To set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously
Too. Things change, not because we're controlling others, but because
We've changed.

Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow, and set the limits I need
In my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me.

Melody Beattie©
...While writing the above, I received this email... must be a God shot. I
hope this helps too:

Boundaries

Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves. They are our
way of protecting ourselves and reflect what we feel we deserve in life. As
adults it is important for us to evaluate our boundaries to determine if they
are still right for us. We may well find that as creatures of habit we may be
repeating the same patterns of thinking and reacting that no longer serve us
well. It is by increasing our emotional fitness that we can create boundaries
which reflect who we truly are.
Here are three area which make up our emotional fitness

1. Physical
What we know is that how we take care of our bodies influences how we feel about
ourselves. A physical examination will tell you if you need to be concerned
about specific health issues. Incorporating regular exercise into your weekly
schedule will increase your energy level. Likewise taking time to eat and eating
nutritiously will be empowering.

2. Mental
This area covers both the cognitive/thinking and the emotional/feeling part. It
encompasses the work you do and how you feel about yourself and your life. Being
in a job that is challenging, cultivating a positive attitude and having tools
for managing stress will greatly enhance emotional fitness and self-mastery.

3. Spiritual
By spiritual I do not mean specific religious beliefs although they inevitably
are part of who we are. I look at spiritual fitness as deriving from being
connected to deeply held values and having a purpose in life beyond
self-interest. Our spiritual energy pushes us forward to keep growing to be the
people we are capable of being.
In order to grow we have to have our boundaries. As we grow in our emotional
fitness we will naturally expand our boundaries to reflect who we are becoming.
Life is not static. We all have the capacity to unlearn what holds us back and
to engage in life in a way that allows us to keep growing through out our lives.

Good luck to you and please, keep coming back. My life is so much better today
because of Al-Anon. My loved ones are still drinking but MY attitude toward
them and their drinking has changed. Today I say what I mean but don't say it
mean. I keep myself (and my son) out of harms way at all times. Much love,
Shell W.



________________________________
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
From: koreanadopteevirgo@...
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2008 12:44:05 -0700
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] Re: I think he is an alcoholic.


If you love someone then you will leave them if that is what's best for that
person. Love is about doing what is best for someone even if it means giving
them up.

----- Original Message ----
From: dmhcmoon <dmhcmoon@yahoo. com>
To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Saturday, August 9, 2008 4:54:53 PM
Subject: [chicago alanon] Re: I think he is an alcoholic.

I'm in a similar situation, but in addition he cheats on me. Staying mostly for
my kids
because I think they need a dad, but curious about the advice others give you.
--- In chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com, "Amy E." <elinofa@... > wrote:
>
> I hear what you guys are saying. It had not occurred to me that the
> other driver was enabling. Of course.
>
> However, as far as living in chaos, tell me this: what happens when
> you are in love with that human being? I haven't figured out yet how
> not to be with him and be involved in caring for him, even if it is
> sometimes against his will...
>
>
> --- In chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com, Rhen56@ wrote:
> >
> > An alcoholic will go to any lengths to get that drink. I will go to
> any
> > lengths to use the tools given me through Alanon, to keep my life
> and mind in
> > order.
> > Your husband has a child too, and it doesn't keep him from going to
> bars..
> > Check with your Al-Anon meetings to see if they offer child care,
> and if they
> > don't, maybe you could suggest a way to get child care started, or
> ask a
> > neighbor to watch your child for a couple of hours.
> > You made the choice to come back into that environment, knowing he
> was an
> > active alkie. We choose to live in chaos, or we choose to walk away
> from it, and
> > only you can decide which life you want. We're a victim once, and
> if we
> > choose to stay, we've become volunteers.
> >
> >
> > Rhenda
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ************ **Looking for a car that's sporty, fun and fits in your
> budget?
> > Read reviews on AOL Autos.
> >
> (http://autos. aol.com/cars- BMW-128-2008/ expert-review? ncid=aolaut00050
000000017
> )
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>

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