I had to do the same.  My husband knew I was resourceful and used that against
me.  He made sure our credit was maxed out and then would work periodically and
spend all the money that would go towards bills so I would be obligated to pay
them; hence I would feel the need to take care of my family because there wasn't
anyone else to do it.  I have no family left to help me and he alienated me from
all of my friends and his so I would only have him.  I had to regain the ability
to feel I was good enough to have my own friends and life and slowly started to
come back to life.  I started going to ladies night out with my girfriends and I
ended up filing a separate tax return without his knowledge ( he filed an
extension to pay later ) and used that money to apply for a home loan with USDA
so there was no down payment and all I had to pay was moving expenses and real
estate agent fee and taxes.  That made him realize I was strong enough to leave
and
gave him a choice; either keep living that way or lose his family.  I know the
cycle well.  There is always good in between the bad but in my situation it
ended up being extremely out of balance and I had to do something about it.  I
see improvement now but there is always a high chance they will go back to it
again.  Having a plan is a must.  Keep faith and hope that things will get
better and if they don't please be strong for your little gir.
 
Michelle

--- On Mon, 8/11/08, Amy E. <elinofa@...> wrote:

From: Amy E. <elinofa@...>
Subject: Re: [chicago alanon] I think he is an alcoholic.
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Date: Monday, August 11, 2008, 3:12 PM






Thank you for your words. I know you are right.

He has settled down over the last few days. It's a cycle. I am not
so naive as to think we are probably not going to do this whole thing
again, but at the moment all is well and I hate to not enjoy it at
least a little bit.

It's the cycle that wears me out...I guess I keep putting one foot in
front of the other so that if and when the time comes, my daughter and
I have the resources to get gone. Sucks to have to plan that way but
I think it is real.

--- In chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com, Michelle Denton <mdenton777@ ...>
wrote:
>
> If you are afraid of his anger it is in your best interest to get
help for you and your 2 year old if only�for the child's safety.� It
took my husband 20 years and almost death to realize his madness.� Now
he is alcohol free only because of his health but it has made him
realize what he had done previously to endanger his child.� I left for
a week with the help of his sister and that only made him worse.� He
will not change because you want him to.� You have to take charge of
your own life and make a good life for your child and yourself.� If
then he realizes what has happened you can restore things from a
distance.� I don't believe in divorce lightly.� I think you should
make the marriage work to the best of your ability but that doesn't
mean putting you or your children through abuse which can be physical,
mental or emotional.�
> �
> Michelle
>
> --- On Fri, 8/8/08, Amy Elinoff <elinofa@... > wrote:
>
> From: Amy Elinoff <elinofa@... >
> Subject: [chicago alanon] I think he is an alcoholic.
> To: chicagoalanon@ yahoogroups. com
> Date: Friday, August 8, 2008, 3:13 PM
>
>
>
>
>
>
> New here. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We met
> in a drinking type of scene. He worked in a bar. He seems to be
> enamored of the wild man archetype - now we have a two year old. He
> went out when I was pregnant. He has gone out on occasion now that
> she is here. I have left overnight with her twice. Like an earlier
> poster, he can hold his drinks. Sometimes quits altogether, loses a
> ton of weight, seems stable and content, then picks it back up slowly,
> until he is drinking 4 beers most nights and many before 6 pm. He is
> still fond of the bar scene though he owns a business now. Last week
> he got into a fender bender after having had several beers. The woman
> got out of her car and could smell the beer on him. She was in
> recovery herself and generously did not call the police. She
> suggested he go to a meeting.
>
> I was horrified but happy. I thought, that woman was an angel, this
> is it, surely now he will take notice. My daughter and I went out of
> town for four days and when we returned there was a keg in the
> refrigerator. a keg.
>
> In addition, I have caught him in several small meaningless lies
> lately. Then last night, he bought me an expensive piece of jewelry
> on credit, that we cannot afford and that cannot be returned. I feel
> he is bribing me for something, but not clear what. I am very
> unhappy. I want to insist on change, but realize that is not how the
> system works. I have to protect myself and my child. How long until
> the next fender bender? How long to be deep in debt while he spends
> money on credit cards on the bar and guilt-gifts? I would like to go
> to AlAnon here in town but can't take a two year old, I assume. Also,
> I am afraid of his anger if I go.
>
> Thank you for having me here.
>
>
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