First, take a breath.  It sounds like the situation is much more complicated
than it sounds.  I understand your pain and confusion.  Unfortunately, addicts
will put their l but that will never be the case.
My husband is a "social" drug addict.  That means every weeked, no matter what. 
I don't count herb or alcohol.  All of our friends do the same.  I spend most of
my time avoiding the scene.  Some how we are still friends.
 
If you are unable to hold a reasonable conversation with him, he will always
have that upper hand.  Does he know how you feel?  Does he realize your
desperatness? 
It hurts when the one you love hurts you the most.  Let alone if you help take
care of his children.  I feel so bad that he is unrepsonsive to your pain.  I
wish I could say that this would all go away, but it won't.  You have to do it
in steps.
If you need to talk, please email or call me.
You are not alone.  No matter what he may say, just remember we will support
you.
animal.erika@...       
erika       
219-484-7255


----- Original Message ----
From: Amanda <ajabben@...>
To: chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Thursday, June 5, 2008 1:17:56 PM
Subject: [chicago alanon] I need some guidence..


Ok.. I am about to spill my guts here so please be brutally honest
with me. I need it.

Yesterday all hell broke loose and I am left wondering if I can do
this at all anymore. Is love enough? Maybe I am not cut out to be
the significant other of a recovering alcoholic. I might just be too
selfish. Or maybe I just don't get it.

Let me explain... My boyfriend has been sober for just over 20
months. He has been off and on in his program, but has stayed clean.
Over the past few weeks he has made it to 2 meetings a week during
the day when he has been off of work. He works Friday-Tuesday 10am-
7pm, I work Monday-Friday 7am-4pm. The way our Mondays, Tuesday, and
Friday go is like this.. Get up at 5 me to work at 7, him at 10.. I
am off at 4.. I go to my brother's house (with whom he carpools) and
wait for them there. They get home between 8-9, we have dinner.. We
drive the 30 minutes home. We go to sleep. Then on Saturday and
Sunday when he is at work I take care of his 2 children. I have none
of my own. He gets home, stays up with them until 10, when they go
to sleep. Then we go to sleep because we still have to be up at 8am
so he can get to work on time. So, that leaves us just Wednesday and
Thursday for us to have any time together.

Yesterday we get home and he is doing his school work and I am
cleaning the kitchen and getting ready for the romantic evening I
planned on surprising him with. When he walks out and says to
me "Yeah I want to go check out these two meetings" So I look at him
and say, "You mean you're going to three meetings today, what about
us getting any time together?" He had already been at the noon
earlier that day. And he replied "yep, take it or leave it" Even
though he could see that I was visably upset. And let me explain, I
wasn't upset that he wanted to go to a meeting or even two. I was
upset that he didn't bother to tell me that he NEEDED the meeting,
that he was feeling messed up in the head. And that when I asked him
what about what I had planned he basically told me tough crap and
that I was guilt tripping him. So here is what happened. I had to
drive him to the meeting at 5:30 then at 7ish he calls me to tell me
he is hungry, so I run him food. Then he goes to the 8:15 and I pick
him back up at 9:30pm. He can't drive due to the fact his license is
suspended and I don't want to bail him out of jail again. And then
we come home just to wind up getting in a huge fight. I went
upstairs and he went downstairs.. I went down about 20 minutes later
to go out and smoke a cigarette. Then I overheard him saying to, I
think his sponsor, "In my eff'd up head I think that I will just
stay with her for my kids" And my heart shattered. I opened the door
and just stared at him. He told me that isn't what he really feels
and that because he is an alcoholic he has really twisted thoughts
that isn't what he feels in his heart. Do I believe this? He tells
me I am selfish for wanting his time, and that if he doesn't get
right in the head he will be the man he used to be. And do I want
that? No I don't want that, but if we never get any time together
what is the point of me staying anyway. And I feel that I can't
count on him to be able to be a part of our relationship if there is
something else he would rather be doing. And I don't mean the
meetings. But if there is anything that needs to be dealt with, he
just pushes it under the rug. When a problem needs to be dealt with
when he decides he is done talking, we are done. We never revisit
the conversation and it comes up again. I don't know why but I feel
like he is using his disease as a cruch. Is that possible? He needed
to do homework today and he has two big assignments due at the end
of the week.. It took him 3 hours to write a 200 word paper, and
then he told me he was spent and just needed to get to his noon
meeting. This was at 10am. I asked him about finishing his
assignments. He said he just can't. His class ends this week, these
are his finals. If he doesn't finish them, he fails.. And the
instructors don't give a hot damn if he's in recovery or not. I feel
like he is telling me what I need to do, what I can and can not ask
of him, and what I am allowed to voice my opinion on. And of course,
I may be seeing this in a completely screwed up way. Which would
make sense because I haven't been to a meeting in a long time and I
am losing my sanity. But I feel like I bend over backwards to do all
I can to make his life better, to make his children's lives better,
to make my life better. But I feel like if it isn't what he wants,
then it won't happen. And he told me that is because all I do is
guilt trip him. But I don't see it that way. I know none of you can
assess this entire situation and give me a fix. But some guidance
would be so helpful. I am so lost and hurt and confused.. And I am
loosing it. Hell, I don't even know if I am making any sense right
now. But I think you all can relate. That's why we're here.






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