WOW, that gave me an adrenalin rush, you hit it right on the head. I
keep feeling like I'm going to have an anxiety attack as I keep
telling msyelf, I got to go, I got to go, I got to go to the Al-Anon
meeting tonight. Last night, he came home drunk and did a 360 on me.
Telling me he loves me and even tried to hold and hug me and it made
me sick to my stomach and furious. I pulled away kept shoving him
away from me but he just kept coming by me like a dog. I have a dog
and sometimes we play and I shove the dog away from me and he locked
his legs and rolls right back on me. I finally told him after all the
shit you said to me yesterday, I'm just supposed to welcome you back
in my arms? Of course once I did that his temperament changed and I
was a cold hearted bitch and that "I" needed to change or it was
going to be over. My god, I thought in the back of my mind "I can't
wait." I used to get up at the crack of dawn with him just to give
him a recap on everything he said or did but now it doesn't phase him
he just keeps repeating himself "I'm not gonna argue with you."
Thank you Cindy!!

--- In chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com, "Cindy" <cbaker1105@...> wrote:
>
> Thank you for all your posts on this topic! I remember the first
Al-
> anon meeting I went to. I did feel stupid. I thought that a
mature,
> sane person would have been able to keep everything under control.
I
> should have been able to make better choices. I shouldn't have
said
> what I said. I should have known better. I should be able to
figure
> this out on my own. Actually, I had a million 'shoulds' in my life
> and I believed every one of them... which to me meant that I was
> worthless. Since I'm a connect-the-dots kind of person, those
> connections led me to believe that going to a meeting meant
> acceptance that I was a failure and basically every bad name/word
> that my alcoholic was calling me was absolute truth.
>
> Fortunately, eventually, I found my way to a meeting. At that
moment
> the only thing I could grasp was that my life was unmanageable and
> insane. That was certainly an indisputable fact. So I decided
that
> if for no other reason, I belonged and had a right to be there.
Then
> I just kept going back and let the 12 steps work for me. It seemed
> hard at the time but looking back it was certainly easier than had
I
> continued doing what I was doing!
>
> Now every time I hear someone say this is their first meeting, I
> remember what it was like for me. It took a lot to get to that
first
> one, and even once there I was scared sh__less! But I soon
realized
> Al-anon wasn't about how terrible I had been or what I had done
> wrong. It was about the disease of alcoholism and about a way to
get
> myself well. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and
though
> I'm certainly far from perfect (still workin' on it! lol!!), I am a
> very grateful member of Al-anon.
>
> Thank you for reminding me of the first step. Though all 12 are
> powerful, when I think of how many people have been touched and
> helped by just that first one, I am amazed at the miracle of it all.
>
> Cindy B.
>