Thanks Don! I wasn't sure if anyone was reading these recently so I
hadn't logged on. I checked every day for a week since I first
posted. He was good for that week, hadn't touched a beer, we had a
heart to heart and now I feel like an idiot because I realize he did
that just to calm me down and shut me up because last night was one
of the bad ones. I went to attend a wake and he called me as I was
almost there and I could hear how bad his speech was and simply told
him I didn't not want to have anymore conversation with him in his
condition and of course that just pissed him off. I hadn't told him
that I was on my way to a wake because I knew it'd only make things
worse. Of course, when he had arrived home 15 minutes later and
realized I wasn't home, he called me. I didn't pick up until the
17th time because by then I had arrived to the funeral parlor. Like
an idiot I gave him an explanation thinking he'd have some sympathy
at the fact that my "boss'" father had passed away. It only
unfuriated him that I didn't tell him from the get go, so he accused
me of sleeping with people at work, to put it nicely. I finally had
to shut my phone off. Of course 20 minutes later after I paid my
respects and turned my phone on, his calls came in again. He called
me so many names but I've closed my emotions out so much that they
don't affect me anymore. I simply let him say whatever he wanted and
when it got silent, he'd say I know you're still there. Then he
threatened to lock me out but of course I got home before he had a
chance to do that or probably even remember to do so. So he went on
for about a half an hour until I got fed up and saddest part is that
I've learned to manipulate him when he's drunk to get the result I
want or at least get him to stop. I tell him o'kay you're drunk
again and all you want to do is argue, so let me have it. Go on,
come on, and then he just looks at me like I'm drunk and tries to
turn the argument on me and then I agree with everything so as to not
give him anything else to say. He threatened to move out this
Saturday and I'm praying he does because I don't have the courage to
get out. I did find an Al-Anon session this Friday at 7:30 a mile
from my house, I'm just hoping to muster up the courage to go and
pray it isn't a Friday he decides to come home early. The last time
I threatned to go to an Al-Anon class, he said I was an idiot and all
that was going to do was make me look stupid. I told him that's
o'kay, as long as I have someone to talk to about his disease. Then
he went cold turkey for a week. He used to be able to go 2-3 months
at a time but now he can't go for more than a week. Saddest part is,
he currently goes to group for a DUI. He came home 2 weeks ago from
the last session and was touched by the counselor and couldn't stop
talking about it and so I trying to be supportive listened with a
keen ear and even told him how proud I was of him. He even said he
talked to the counselor and asked if he could continue on even after
his DUI requirements are done. Got my hopes up, I was so excited for
him but a week later, he was back to drinking. I now it is affecting
me even though I say it isn't because people at work are asking me if
I'm o'kay and that I see so deep in though. Please pray for me to
get the strength to get my but to that meeting. Thank you for
responding, I needed some kind words today!!

--- In chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com, "Don" <don@...> wrote:
>
> My name is Don. I am a coach who specializes in recovery issues and
> am also one of those who managed to recover after decades. I am
more
> than familiar with your situation, both from the outside
perspective
> and from the inside perspective.
>
> There is a ton of support and advice of all kinds available to you,
> but I really don't believe a public forum is where you want to get
> into it. I would suggest accessing some local support resources.
> There are many in your local phone book. Barring that, feel free to
> email me personally off this forum and I may be able to help you in
> finding the assistance you need.
>
> Hope is not lost. While in the midst of a maddening situation such
as
> this, it does appear to be so. But this is not true. I am not
giving
> you platitudes here. I am speaking as one who knows. You will need
to
> be strong for just a bit longer. Sounds like you are.
>
> Best
>
> Don
> heavenonearthsystem.com
>
>
> --- In chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com, snoqween69 <no_reply@> wrote:
> >
> > I've reached a point to where I'm tired of keeping him afloat.
Now
> I
> > know exactly what the term means when people say they come out of
> the
> > closet because that's exactly how I feel where I am. Locked in a
> > closet. I feel like I've lost me over these past 18 years. Who I
am
> > anymore. Who am I if I'm not the person chasing behind him with a
> > brook and dustpan cleaning up the mess? We met when I had just
> turned
> > 21 by mistake and against my better instinct I got involved. The
> > first couple of years were fun, hey I was 21 and drinking is what
> you
> > do at 21 right? Well, once we got married it was all supposed to
> > change but it didn't. He got custody of his 2 girls (ages 4 and
6
> at
> > the time) so I couldn't leave right? I've gotten smacked around
> > nothing major not that that makes a difference but it wasn't
until
> > years later when I built up the courage to have him put out by
the
> > cops that he stopped putting his hands on me when he was
drinking.
> > When he's sober, he's such a sweet loving fun guy that everyone
> loves
> > to be around. He lost a daughter at 15 who rebelled and had a
> > drinking party at our house. He had been at the bar drinking but
> not
> > drunk so I thought it was o'kay to tell him what she had done.
> Over
> > the years his drinking has lessened but the problem was when he
got
> > drunk. He literally was Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hide. His voice and
> face
> > change. I know as soon as he speaks or walk in the door but he
> > denies. Sometimes he does admit to it. He most recently lost
his
> > last daughter at age 18 when he through her out while he was
drunk
> > when he found out she was sneaking around with a boy who had
> treated
> > her like shit and she tried to hard to conceal it. DeJa Vu. So,
> now
> > he's drinking more and more. I'm almost 40 and I don't know what
> to
> > go on with this for another 18 years. I've been an enabler all
> these
> > years and the guilt won't let me walk out the door. I think what
> will
> > happen to him if I leave and it will be my fault for leaving.
I've
> > even come up with a plan that we live as roomates for a while
until
> > he and I both save up enough money to go our own ways. I just
need
> to
> > know that he will be o'kay. I just can't seem to let go of the
> > beautiful man he is when he is sober. I've tried to talk him in
to
> > going to AA and he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. That
> I'm
> > the one who has the problem with his drinking. Or he brings up
all
> > my faults and tells me if I change them then he'll make the
effort
> to
> > change his drinking habits. He's a smart drunk, if there's such
a
> > thing. He's never lost a day of work because of his drinking and
> was
> > even promoted once within the company. This weekend I plan on
> > reaching out to him again and renting the movie "When A Man Loves
A
> > Woman" and I'm going to point out that I feel like the husband in
> > that movie. When Mexican and he's from the country but American
> > raised. So I ask myself, what is it about this culture that
makes
> it
> > o'kay because we went to visit his family in Texas and they drink
> for
> > everything. BBQ, somebody's birthday. I AM JUST SO FRICKING
> > CONFUSED IT IS MAKING MY INSIDE CHURN . . . WHY IS THIS SO GOD
DAMN
> > HARD!!!
> >
>