I've reached a point to where I'm tired of keeping him afloat. Now I
know exactly what the term means when people say they come out of the
closet because that's exactly how I feel where I am. Locked in a
closet. I feel like I've lost me over these past 18 years. Who I am
anymore. Who am I if I'm not the person chasing behind him with a
brook and dustpan cleaning up the mess? We met when I had just turned
21 by mistake and against my better instinct I got involved. The
first couple of years were fun, hey I was 21 and drinking is what you
do at 21 right? Well, once we got married it was all supposed to
change but it didn't. He got custody of his 2 girls (ages 4 and 6 at
the time) so I couldn't leave right? I've gotten smacked around
nothing major not that that makes a difference but it wasn't until
years later when I built up the courage to have him put out by the
cops that he stopped putting his hands on me when he was drinking.
When he's sober, he's such a sweet loving fun guy that everyone loves
to be around. He lost a daughter at 15 who rebelled and had a
drinking party at our house. He had been at the bar drinking but not
drunk so I thought it was o'kay to tell him what she had done. Over
the years his drinking has lessened but the problem was when he got
drunk. He literally was Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hide. His voice and face
change. I know as soon as he speaks or walk in the door but he
denies. Sometimes he does admit to it. He most recently lost his
last daughter at age 18 when he through her out while he was drunk
when he found out she was sneaking around with a boy who had treated
her like shit and she tried to hard to conceal it. DeJa Vu. So, now
he's drinking more and more. I'm almost 40 and I don't know what to
go on with this for another 18 years. I've been an enabler all these
years and the guilt won't let me walk out the door. I think what will
happen to him if I leave and it will be my fault for leaving. I've
even come up with a plan that we live as roomates for a while until
he and I both save up enough money to go our own ways. I just need to
know that he will be o'kay. I just can't seem to let go of the
beautiful man he is when he is sober. I've tried to talk him in to
going to AA and he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. That I'm
the one who has the problem with his drinking. Or he brings up all
my faults and tells me if I change them then he'll make the effort to
change his drinking habits. He's a smart drunk, if there's such a
thing. He's never lost a day of work because of his drinking and was
even promoted once within the company. This weekend I plan on
reaching out to him again and renting the movie "When A Man Loves A
Woman" and I'm going to point out that I feel like the husband in
that movie. When Mexican and he's from the country but American
raised. So I ask myself, what is it about this culture that makes it
o'kay because we went to visit his family in Texas and they drink for
everything. BBQ, somebody's birthday. I AM JUST SO FRICKING
CONFUSED IT IS MAKING MY INSIDE CHURN . . . WHY IS THIS SO GOD DAMN
HARD!!!