--- In chicagoalanon@yahoogroups.com, Henry <henrym64@...> wrote:
>Hi Amanda, My name is Marla and I understand. I can't believe how
much we at al-anon have in common. I told my husband about my
childhood before we were married and he still held it against me.
Ive been in al-anon for about two months and it really helps. i spent
years trying to prove to my husband that i was not damaged goods.
That he made a good choice picking me to be his wife, I could not see
how bad the relationship had become.He was always druck, vomiting,
yelling and sick. I thought that if i cleaned up after him, he would
see how great of a wife I was.

12 years later i am still picking up after him, i hate myself for
dealing with him as long as I have but what can you do. I was raised
with an alcholic grandmother and all my step fathers had problem with
drinking. i thought that was just the way things was. I was also
abuse as a child by my step father, my mom made me feel that it was
my responiblity to clean the house and take care of my brothers, so I
had no child hood.

My husband is ten years older than me.

All the respondiblity is always on my back.
> Hi Amanda , Welcome to the group .
> I can feel your pain and i assure you so can everyone else in
this group .
> Alcoholism is a disease that destroys lives and relationships ,
breaks apart families , and sooner or later leads the Alcoholic to
the jail , the hospital or the cemetary.
> There is nothing more important to the Alcoholic than getting
his next drink , Anyone who stands between the Alcoholic and that
drink will be the target of his abuse . Also just because an
alcoholic stops drinking it don't mean he will all of sudden learn
how to be sweet and pleasant .
> My Step- father quit drinking 15 years ago and he still has the
personality of a Pit- bull .
> You need to lose the anger you feel or it will only hurt you ,
i'm not saying to tolerate abuse , but know that it comes from
Alcohol or lack of it , not the person .
> If you go to a live meeting there is no pressure on you to
talk if you don't want to. you may want to try a couple different
groups till you find one you are comfortable with .
> We are also here for you anytime you wanna post .
> Hugs , Henry
>
>
>
>
>
> Amanda <amanda.webster@...> wrote:
> Hi my name is Amanda and this is the first time I have
ever posted
> here. It is also the first time I have ever discussed my situation
> with a group of people who are familiar with alcoholism. I am
> interested to find out if Alanon can help me. I am the 32 year old
> daughter of an alcoholic Father.
>
> If someone would be so kind as to read what I have written and then
> respond as to whether or not Alanon is a good place for me to get
> help- it would mean a lot to me. I don't know if I could go to a
> public meeting. That would be pretty tough for me.
>
> So here goes:
>
> In order to escape the abuse which was going on in my family, I
> decided to leave home at the age of 16. At the time it was what I
> felt I had to do to survive because I had started to think about
> killing myself as a way out. My Dad did not try to stop me because
> he knew if he did- I could turn him in for child abuse or that I
> would be sent to live with my Mom and he did not want to have to
pay
> child support. So he was more than happy to see me go.
>
> I lived in my own apartment (an older girlfriend signed the lease
> for me) and held down a job in a restaurant waiting tables to make
> ends meet. Some of my close friends knew about my situation, but
> nobody wanted to see me get sent away to a children's home. So
> everyone kept things hush hush. I managed to finish high school and
> even received a scholarship and was able to graduate from a big 10
> college and now have a good job here in Chicago. So I guess I am
> really lucky there.
>
> I easily could have wound up on the streets. Don't even think for a
> minute there weren't lots of older men offering me places to
stay...
> but I was smart and I didn't get into that kind of trouble.
>
> I did not have any contact with my Father during college.
>
> I had very little contact with my Brother or my Mother. I think I
> saw them a total of 2 times each from the time I was 18 until my
Mom
> died. But I did remain somewhat close to my Grandparents who both
> died before I graduated from college. Not once- ever- did any
> member of my own family make the 1.5 hour drive to school to see me.
>
> I held/ still hold a lot of anger toward my entire family for not
> dealing with my Father's problem and for allowing him to abuse his
> kids/wife. I had approached my Granparents for help regarding my
> physical abuse- but they did not want to get involved. My mother
> had refused to leave until I was 15 and even then- left us kids
with
> our Father who she knew abused us just as he had abused her.
>
> My Mother passed away from a heart attack in 2003. I never
> reconciled with her before her death- although a good friend did
> talk me into attending the funeral which was terrifying to me. But
I
> am thankful I went. I speak to my brother about once every 2-3
> months but he has also had alcohol problems and tends to be in
> denial about everything so it makes things very difficult to deal
> with. I have seen him 1 time in the past year.
>
> I am having problems with the fact that I feel very alone because I
> have no close family. All holidays are spent alone or with friends
> sometimes if I am lucky- but I never really feel like I am a part
of
> things- more like a charity case when I go to a friend's home. My
> brother spends holidays with Dad so that is not an option.
>
> I tried to come to terms with all of this after my Mom died and
even
> went to visit my father, but I was so terrified and then I learned
> from my Step-Mom that Dad still drinks. When I tried to discuss
what
> had occurred in the past, there was an argument and now we haven't
> talked since. Sometimes I think it is for the best.
>
> I have not been able to have a marriage and have never even been
> proposed too or lived with anyone else. Although all of the men I
> have dated have good jobs and appear to be great catches- most of
> the men I have had what I call serious relationships with have had
> issues with substance abuse- not alcohol- but pot- or were verbaly
> abusive to me. As a result I have never been married and have no
> children.
>
> I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. I think maybe it is
> a good thing because I probably would have ended up like my Mother.
> I also tend to date men who are very egotistical or self-centered
> and I will spend years trying to "fix" them and get them to commit
> to me although it never ends up happening. I have not had a serious
> boyfriend for 3 years and have not even been able to date any one
> person for more than 2 or 3 months.
>
> Lately, I struggle with the guilt of the decision I made to leave.
> Lately, I have been feeling like maybe my lonliness is my
punishment
> for walking away from my family. But I really did not see an
> alternative. To me it was like a survival instinct. Leaving was the
> only way out.
>
> I am extremely hard on myself and everyone around me. I have very
> low self esteem. I have a lot of anger. I don't smile as much as I
> used to when I believed things would get better. I am less friendly
> and becoming more and more reclusive.
>
> I want more than anything to not be alone anymore and to be able to
> have a relationship with someone who is healthy and who will love
> me. I would like to have a family but I am afraid things will turn
> out bad. The older I get, the less friends I have and it is very
> difficult to deal with daily struggles without a close support
> network.
>
> I used to think I was just having bad luck with guys. Afterall, I
> had been able to overcome my situation and live a fairly normal
life
> despite my upbringing.
>
> But the longer time goes on, the more I struggle with this whole
> thing. I still feel sadness and anger and guilt after all these
> years. I used to think this would all go away. But it hasn't and
> now here I am- 32- and still living alone and still struggling with
> this thing I didn't even choose! It is very hard for me to believe
> myself.
>
> I feel pretty ashamed to be honest with all of you.
>
> I should be happy with everything I have but I am not.
>
> So I spent the first part of my life trying to get out of the
> situation I did not choose. Which I am happy I got out.
>
> I never really had time to stop and feel bad or take the time to
> talk about it with anyone who could really help me. I wanted to
> believe I was strong and that I could handle anything.
>
> Once I told a boyfriend about the situation with hopes he would
> listen and it would make me feel better. But then later on he used
> it all against me by telling me I was damaged goods and that I was
> messed up in the head because of my family. He said all kinds of
> messed up stuff to me. He even went as far as to tell me that his
> mother had suggested he not date me because of my family
> background. Once when I thought I was pregnant he told me he wanted
> me to have an abortion because he felt I would be an unfit mother
> due to my upbringing. So after that- I never talked to anyone
> anymore about what happened to me. I just keep everything inside.
> I felt like if I told anyone, they wouldn't want me.
>
> Because I can't share what has happened to me with anyone in my
life-
> it is hard for me to feel close to people or trust them. Sometimes
> I feel like I am living a big lie. On the outside, people would
> think I probably had this great childhood. I feel like I am acting
> like things are fine and normal in my life when they are not. It
> feels phony.
>
> Now it is all seeming to catch up with me.
>
> I think I need to spend some time figuring out how this might have
> affected me and what I can do to feel better and not attract these
> types of men. Also, is it ok to not want to associate with my
> family? What can I say to guys about what happened and why my
> family is not in my life?
>
> Does anyone think Alanon can help me? If not, does anyone know of a
> place where I could get help?
>
> Thanks.
>
> Amanda
>
>
>
>
>
>
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