Hi my name is Amanda and this is the first time I have ever posted
here. It is also the first time I have ever discussed my situation
with a group of people who are familiar with alcoholism. I am
interested to find out if Alanon can help me. I am the 32 year old
daughter of an alcoholic Father.

If someone would be so kind as to read what I have written and then
respond as to whether or not Alanon is a good place for me to get
help- it would mean a lot to me. I don't know if I could go to a
public meeting. That would be pretty tough for me.

So here goes:

In order to escape the abuse which was going on in my family, I
decided to leave home at the age of 16. At the time it was what I
felt I had to do to survive because I had started to think about
killing myself as a way out. My Dad did not try to stop me because
he knew if he did- I could turn him in for child abuse or that I
would be sent to live with my Mom and he did not want to have to pay
child support. So he was more than happy to see me go.

I lived in my own apartment (an older girlfriend signed the lease
for me) and held down a job in a restaurant waiting tables to make
ends meet. Some of my close friends knew about my situation, but
nobody wanted to see me get sent away to a children's home. So
everyone kept things hush hush. I managed to finish high school and
even received a scholarship and was able to graduate from a big 10
college and now have a good job here in Chicago. So I guess I am
really lucky there.

I easily could have wound up on the streets. Don't even think for a
minute there weren't lots of older men offering me places to stay...
but I was smart and I didn't get into that kind of trouble.

I did not have any contact with my Father during college.

I had very little contact with my Brother or my Mother. I think I
saw them a total of 2 times each from the time I was 18 until my Mom
died. But I did remain somewhat close to my Grandparents who both
died before I graduated from college. Not once- ever- did any
member of my own family make the 1.5 hour drive to school to see me.

I held/ still hold a lot of anger toward my entire family for not
dealing with my Father's problem and for allowing him to abuse his
kids/wife. I had approached my Granparents for help regarding my
physical abuse- but they did not want to get involved. My mother
had refused to leave until I was 15 and even then- left us kids with
our Father who she knew abused us just as he had abused her.

My Mother passed away from a heart attack in 2003. I never
reconciled with her before her death- although a good friend did
talk me into attending the funeral which was terrifying to me. But I
am thankful I went. I speak to my brother about once every 2-3
months but he has also had alcohol problems and tends to be in
denial about everything so it makes things very difficult to deal
with. I have seen him 1 time in the past year.

I am having problems with the fact that I feel very alone because I
have no close family. All holidays are spent alone or with friends
sometimes if I am lucky- but I never really feel like I am a part of
things- more like a charity case when I go to a friend's home. My
brother spends holidays with Dad so that is not an option.

I tried to come to terms with all of this after my Mom died and even
went to visit my father, but I was so terrified and then I learned
from my Step-Mom that Dad still drinks. When I tried to discuss what
had occurred in the past, there was an argument and now we haven't
talked since. Sometimes I think it is for the best.

I have not been able to have a marriage and have never even been
proposed too or lived with anyone else. Although all of the men I
have dated have good jobs and appear to be great catches- most of
the men I have had what I call serious relationships with have had
issues with substance abuse- not alcohol- but pot- or were verbaly
abusive to me. As a result I have never been married and have no
children.

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. I think maybe it is
a good thing because I probably would have ended up like my Mother.
I also tend to date men who are very egotistical or self-centered
and I will spend years trying to "fix" them and get them to commit
to me although it never ends up happening. I have not had a serious
boyfriend for 3 years and have not even been able to date any one
person for more than 2 or 3 months.

Lately, I struggle with the guilt of the decision I made to leave.
Lately, I have been feeling like maybe my lonliness is my punishment
for walking away from my family. But I really did not see an
alternative. To me it was like a survival instinct. Leaving was the
only way out.

I am extremely hard on myself and everyone around me. I have very
low self esteem. I have a lot of anger. I don't smile as much as I
used to when I believed things would get better. I am less friendly
and becoming more and more reclusive.

I want more than anything to not be alone anymore and to be able to
have a relationship with someone who is healthy and who will love
me. I would like to have a family but I am afraid things will turn
out bad. The older I get, the less friends I have and it is very
difficult to deal with daily struggles without a close support
network.

I used to think I was just having bad luck with guys. Afterall, I
had been able to overcome my situation and live a fairly normal life
despite my upbringing.

But the longer time goes on, the more I struggle with this whole
thing. I still feel sadness and anger and guilt after all these
years. I used to think this would all go away. But it hasn't and
now here I am- 32- and still living alone and still struggling with
this thing I didn't even choose! It is very hard for me to believe
myself.

I feel pretty ashamed to be honest with all of you.

I should be happy with everything I have but I am not.

So I spent the first part of my life trying to get out of the
situation I did not choose. Which I am happy I got out.

I never really had time to stop and feel bad or take the time to
talk about it with anyone who could really help me. I wanted to
believe I was strong and that I could handle anything.

Once I told a boyfriend about the situation with hopes he would
listen and it would make me feel better. But then later on he used
it all against me by telling me I was damaged goods and that I was
messed up in the head because of my family. He said all kinds of
messed up stuff to me. He even went as far as to tell me that his
mother had suggested he not date me because of my family
background. Once when I thought I was pregnant he told me he wanted
me to have an abortion because he felt I would be an unfit mother
due to my upbringing. So after that- I never talked to anyone
anymore about what happened to me. I just keep everything inside.
I felt like if I told anyone, they wouldn't want me.

Because I can't share what has happened to me with anyone in my life-
it is hard for me to feel close to people or trust them. Sometimes
I feel like I am living a big lie. On the outside, people would
think I probably had this great childhood. I feel like I am acting
like things are fine and normal in my life when they are not. It
feels phony.

Now it is all seeming to catch up with me.

I think I need to spend some time figuring out how this might have
affected me and what I can do to feel better and not attract these
types of men. Also, is it ok to not want to associate with my
family? What can I say to guys about what happened and why my
family is not in my life?

Does anyone think Alanon can help me? If not, does anyone know of a
place where I could get help?

Thanks.

Amanda