Teddi, maybe if you talk to us here, we can help you get through this
low period. I know it is hard, believe me, and that you just want to
die. How long have you been seeing this particular psych?



--- In borderlinecreativity@yahoogroups.com, "Teddi Heidt"
<teddimae@w...> wrote:
> I am frustrated and need to vent. Yesterday I had an appt with my
> psychiatrist. I am on Celexa (and Trazadone 100 mg so I can sleep 5
> hours). The doctors have dropped it from 60 mg back to 40 mg because I
> said that I am bouncing from suicidal to manic. I went to a medical
> doctor and started the birth control pill a little over a week ago so he
> doesn't want to change my meds right now until he sees how that works.
> Its like I am being punished for seeking additional help because my
> impulsivity and anger/rage is usually what prompts my suicidal behavior
> and that is more cyclical - premenstrually and at ovulation is when I
> can't control it and it scares me. And, when I got out of the hospital,
> as a condition, they almost insisted I see someone for alcohol
> dependence and now they don't think I should work on that because the
> counselor thinks differently than my doctor. The doctor and therapist
> think I should get a job and the addiction counselor thinks I should be
> off work or find a different type of job where I'm more in control (work
> from home, etc.). The psychiatrist spent 7 or 8 minutes with me
> yesterday! I told him that I'm feeling contradictory. On one hand, I'm
> cleaning house, giving things away and preparing to die, but I had to
> wait unti after Christmas and two of my kids' birthdays in January and
> on the other hand, I'm working on the skills to improve. He said to
> call him the day before I plan to commit suicide! I said I'm not going
> to call you. He asked why not. I said because you would put me in the
> hospital and we both know that doesn't keep someone from committing
> suicide. He said you're the only one who can keep you from killing
> yourself. My daughter turns 22 today and my son will be 19 on the 20th.
> My period is due on about the 25th and part of me wants to live and part
> of me wants to just give in to the impulsivity at that time of the month
> and die. I felt like killing myself on New Year's Day and the 2nd, but
> I am waiting for the kids' birthdays and feel an overwhelming urge to
> have the house in perfect order and things layed out and give away my
> clothes and box things up that I want the kids to have and put it all
> into one room. Today I see a different therapist. I was in three
> groups that she had in partial. She is a very strong personality. My
> other therapist was somewhat weak I thought and he kept pushing me to
> get a job and I feel that my job is what prompted the suicide attempt
> and I'm afraid to get a full-time job for fear that the next time it
> will kill me. I liked the nurse practitioner that I saw at a different
> facility for the past two years, but then I had been seen at that
> facility from 1988 to 1996 and again from 2000 to 2002 and they never
> told me anything about the borderline although they had diagnosed me
> with it and also they diagnosed me with bipolar and the new drs. took
> that diagnosis away. I felt like she cared how I was feeling. The
> psychiatrist I saw yesterday told me on a previous occasion that he was
> treating me how he would want his family member treated! I said I
> wouldn't want to be your family member. That was the day that him and
> my therapist ganged up on my and told me that I am not disabled and that
> I have "pockets of high level functioning" - I said yah "pockets" its
> not consistent and I don't want to go back to work until I'm ready and
> have the stress kill me or even embarrass myself with borderline
> behavior that is out of control. The symptoms have gone into remission
> in the past enough for me to work, but I don't feel I'm ready yet. The
> medical providers in the hospital and partial care and outpatient seem
> like they are downright "mean" - its up to you. I am not use to this
> "empowering." Part of me likes the old way, where the other doctors
> just adjusted the meds until we felt we had it under control (and I
> drank to relieve the stress). It wasn't any effort on my part and I
> felt better. Right now, this way, it hurts like hell and its like they
> are just there letting me feel the pain and not doing a damn thing to
> stop it. If I can heal myself and they don't care if I live or die and
> they can't be the least bit empathetic, why am I paying them!?
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]