hi Sophie,

it was really nice to hear a reply back from someone. I love your
name by the way - it's one of the names I always considered naming a
baby girl if I had a daughter.

Anyway, isn't it good to know you're not alone? Having an Ed can make
one feel like the lonliest person in the world. I have found that the
more people I have told about my Ed (not many at all)the less
isolated I feel. How did you develop yours Sophie? Didn't it seem
like a sick joke that something that seemed like it would help
weightloss (purging)could lead to a cycle of binging and overeating
that becomes such an addictive habit? I don't know why it should be
so hard to stop but it is. I find myself standing there in the
kitchen staring at the loaf of bread or cereal or cookies and
wondering why I can't just walk away; this is when I've already had
lunch and a snack or two...it's a really strong (almost magnetic)
compulsion to keep going back whether I'm hungry or not.

I understand your feeling of helplessness Sophie. It's scary to think
about the amount of time an ED eats up (sick pun, sorry) out of life
and what you could be doing in that time. Don't feel bad about
being "controlled" by food. There's nothing wrong with you. An old
therapist used an analogy of and eating disorder as a really bad
boyfriend...hence the term Ed. She used to help me realize that it
wasn't my mind that was weak or distorted, but that it was "Ed" - the
abusive disease of a boyfriend that tried to control my mind and tell
me things that weren't true. This probably sounds kind of silly but
it helped me a little to seperate the blame; I used to hate myself
and think I was a freak for having an ED, but over time I realized
that it is a disease like bipolar or cancer. It is not something we
can help. We can just try and get better. So just take it one day at
a time and don't beat yourself up if you fall down...just brush away
the dirt and keep trucking along.

Sophie if you want to email me anytime you need to talk I would love
to help/discuss either of our Ed's. Writing to you helps me feel
better...I don't know why - I feel more positive. The best of luck
and hope to hear from you soon!

Francyne:-)
Francyne_coates@...

In boa@yahoogroups.com, Sophia White <sophee_white@y...> wrote:
> hi there francyne,
>
> I know exactly how you feel......I NEVER thought i'd be one of
those people with an ed and it makes me feel terrible knowing i have
one.......i've heard before that most people with eds have them
because they feel they're losing control of their life and so
controlling food makes them feel more secure.....i don't know if
that's me....yeah i'm 20 and don't know what i'm doing with my life,
but i know i just want to be about 20 pounds lighter and that's all i
ever think about.....i've been trying to tell myself that food is
just an inaniment object and there's no reason why it should be able
to control me. I quite smoking why can't i quit binge-eating? i
have good days, when i think i have everything under control. then
at least once a week something clicks inside me and i just eat until
i feel sick, then i either purge or take a nap....there a lot more
productive things i could think of that i'd rather be doing with my
days.......what's wrong with me? then i think of the people
> that don't even have food, and it make me feel really ashamed to
have such a stupid problem..........what can i do with myself?
>
> has anyone tried hypnosis?
>
> -sophie
>
> francyne_coates <francyne_coates@y...> wrote:
> Hi,
>
> I have just discovered the world of online forums. Reading through
> many pained but supportive messages is encouraging - what a relief
to
> talk to others with similar problems instead of feeling like an
> ostrich in a flock of swans. I would really like to start some
dialog
> about eating disorders and the internal battle that accompanies
them.
> Everyday ED thoughts infect my thoughts and distract me from the
life
> I yearn to live. Having an ED is like having a leech follow you
> around and attach itself to suck the life out of you everytime you
> let your guard up.
>
> I am 22 and have been anorexic for two years when I was 12, and
than
> bulimic off and on until the present. I also think that I have some
> of the symptoms of binge-eating disorder - emotional eating that
> instigates panic and often leads to binging and purging. I am
normal
> weight but always wish I was a little leaner. I love to exercise
but
> abuse it sometimes to burn off excess calories after I overeat.
> Having an ED has led to a lengthy obsession with food and related
> topics - consequently I am a qualified cook and am now in my second
> year of nutrition in hopes of becoming a sports nutritionist.
Because
> of the knowledge I have about health, I am less destructive towards
> my body than I used to be, and want nothing more than to recover
and
> be "normal" so that I can live strongly and help other people
> maximize their health. I would also like to help people with eating
> disorders one day as a dietician when I am recovered.
>
> I love food and sometimes can enjoy it with ease and moderation.
> Other times I lose control and eat constantly when I'm not hungry.
> For years I hid my ED from almost everyone (except my mom - she had
> already found out anyway). Now I realize that ED thrives in
secrecy;
> keeping the poisonous thoughts inside gives them power. They become
> stronger and wrestle logic to the ground, overriding any chance of
> recovery. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who is dedicated to
> helping me recover in a non-invasive way. I know I am very lucky.
> However, I would like to talk to others that understand exactly the
> emotions and symptoms of an ED - no one can really understand
unless
> they have gone through it. ED's don't even make much sense to some
> people - they see the surface logic (or lack therof) and are
puzzled
> at why the problem is so difficult. Anyone else experienced these
> people who wonder why we can just start eating healthy/stop
> starving/stop worrying about food? It's frustrating.
>
> Anyway, hope to hear from anyone with similar experieces, advice,
> support or comment. I feel better now just putting myself out
there.
> Take care...
>
> Francyne
>
>
>
>
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