Hi,

I have just discovered the world of online forums. Reading through
many pained but supportive messages is encouraging - what a relief to
talk to others with similar problems instead of feeling like an
ostrich in a flock of swans. I would really like to start some dialog
about eating disorders and the internal battle that accompanies them.
Everyday ED thoughts infect my thoughts and distract me from the life
I yearn to live. Having an ED is like having a leech follow you
around and attach itself to suck the life out of you everytime you
let your guard up.

I am 22 and have been anorexic for two years when I was 12, and than
bulimic off and on until the present. I also think that I have some
of the symptoms of binge-eating disorder - emotional eating that
instigates panic and often leads to binging and purging. I am normal
weight but always wish I was a little leaner. I love to exercise but
abuse it sometimes to burn off excess calories after I overeat.
Having an ED has led to a lengthy obsession with food and related
topics - consequently I am a qualified cook and am now in my second
year of nutrition in hopes of becoming a sports nutritionist. Because
of the knowledge I have about health, I am less destructive towards
my body than I used to be, and want nothing more than to recover and
be "normal" so that I can live strongly and help other people
maximize their health. I would also like to help people with eating
disorders one day as a dietician when I am recovered.

I love food and sometimes can enjoy it with ease and moderation.
Other times I lose control and eat constantly when I'm not hungry.
For years I hid my ED from almost everyone (except my mom - she had
already found out anyway). Now I realize that ED thrives in secrecy;
keeping the poisonous thoughts inside gives them power. They become
stronger and wrestle logic to the ground, overriding any chance of
recovery. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who is dedicated to
helping me recover in a non-invasive way. I know I am very lucky.
However, I would like to talk to others that understand exactly the
emotions and symptoms of an ED - no one can really understand unless
they have gone through it. ED's don't even make much sense to some
people - they see the surface logic (or lack therof) and are puzzled
at why the problem is so difficult. Anyone else experienced these
people who wonder why we can just start eating healthy/stop
starving/stop worrying about food? It's frustrating.

Anyway, hope to hear from anyone with similar experieces, advice,
support or comment. I feel better now just putting myself out there.
Take care...

Francyne