All—

I’ve just returned from a trip to San Antonio for my daughters’ Air Force BMT Graduation (where I cried endless tears to see my baby all dressed up and in step) with her squad; “Lead, Follow or Move Out Of The Way!” I traveled alone enjoying the peace and solitude that I get so little of on a very soothing plane ride which I don't normally enjoy and spent a lot of time in my room at the Crowne Plaza Hotel-Riverwalk  (though I went there thinking I would make a mini vacation of it since it was had a breathtaking view of the Riverwalk and was close to all the tourist attractions; but didn't get to do much sightseeing since my poor daughter had a terrible limp from the blisters on her feet) thinking about my recent weight loss progress or well lack thereof to be more accurate. Since you guys are my support; (which is why I don't allow my family to come with me) I’m sharing with you hoping to get some feedback.

This month’s topic, “Sabotage…” was enlightening. I’ve since discovered I was guilty of throwing in my wooden shoe. I’ve basically lived to please others in my life to the detriment of my own happiness. I've always felt like I need to be there for my Mom, brothers and kids I seem to have lost myself in this process. And now that my kids and I have grown up I still feel responsible for my Mom who makes me feel guilty and succeeds at keeping me by her side especially since my father’s passing 21 years ago and my maternal grandmother’s passing 22 years ago. She’s been a wonderful Mom and now that she’s getting older and I notice her slowing down and becoming forgetful I feel as though I must be there for her now. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar to this?

I on the other hand have always encouraged my kids to follow their dreams and to live their own lives. Now they’ve all left the nest, the youngest leaving for college next month; but I’m still not free. In 1996 I moved my kids to North Carolina and became a Correctional Officer. I lost all my excess weight not being responsible for Mom and the rest of my family-and was very happy for the first time in a very long time. (I’m a country girl at heart though I was born and raised here in Baltimore. My father’s stories of his childhood background always delighted me as I am a naturalist preferring the simple things in life.) However after two years there Mom informed me she felt all alone in the world so I gave two week’s notice and moved back to Baltimore.

After many years of therapy I have concluded none can break through the barrier of my fort of guilt until I am willing to allow it. Which being raised as the “preacher’s daughter” I was taught family is always the number one priority. My loyalty has left me feeling trapped and tied down.

I know this has been a long drawn out story-but I just needed to vent. I find it too difficult to talk in group not because I am shy or shamefaced, but because I prefer the background and past experience has taught me in the words of Abe Lincoln “It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” Also because I cry easily and hate others to see me cry for fear it will be viewed as a sign of weakness and vulnerability.

So I am trying to make some changes because I am worth it and deserve it. I am beginning although slowly to do more things on my own that I enjoy—though some things don’t work so well by oneself. I can’t see myself doing the lap, chair or especially the pole dancing; not to mention my arthritis will have no part in it. So I am forcing myself to open up and ask if anyone’s interested in taking square dance classes, ballroom dancing, (I know a place that offers this)hiking or nature walks-short distances at first of course, geocaching or things similar?

Crystal