Hi. I'm not sure how to do this. On April 1st (!) a police officer came to the

door saying my brother had passed away, and that I should call the coroner's

office in the county where he died. His body was found Mar 31, but he had died

at least 2-3 weeks earlier. The scene was so gruesome, one of the investigating

officers threw up. Even after "crime scene cleaners" had completely emptied and

disinfected the place, it still smelled horrible. The death certificate reads

"auto erotic asphyxiation - hanged self from doorway with chains." Lovely. He

was 60 years old. My psychiatrist said to focus on the grief as grief, not on

the circumstances; it was an accident; it could have been an auto accident. My

therapist, very cautiously, because she did not at all want to make light of the

situation, pointed out that this activity is engaged in to heighten sexual

pleasure, so my brother might have been quite happy shortly before dying - I

hadn't thought of it that way at all, and it seems to help (I'd been thinking,

oh, poor soul, why did he think he deserved such punishment?). She has

experience with S&M patients, and says it is not at all unusual for family

members and even close friends not to know of this behavior, which might be

pushed to greater extremes with the passage of time. Though the death

certificate, with its horribly blunt details, is a matter of public record, I am

not yet prepared to tell most people, even relatives except for my remaining

brother, what actually happened. I am saying that my brother suffered a bad

accident at home. If people press, I add that his  body wasn't discovered for

several weeks and was in terrible condition. If they press further, I just say

it's too difficult for me to talk about. By then I'm usually in tears, anyway.

Thank you for being here.

Aw hun i feel for you so much, i do agree that we have to focus on  it as the

loss of a loved one as in grief itself and not how the death came about, i know

if i focused on how my dad died and not just the fact that he died i would be

insane by now, because i dont think i can emotionally handle dealing with the

circumstances surrounding his death, Its so normal not to tell people, and to

not want to tell people, outsiders look at it in such a sickening way, view our

loved ones as perverted, abnormal, disgusting ect, that it is really hard to say

how they died, which i think also makes it harder on ourselves in the long run

because we are just left bottling it up. its been 16 yrs since my dad died and

still a very minimal number of people know of the actual circumstances. mums

always just said it was an accident, or he was doing an experiment that went

wrong. Rememvber all of our loved ones did not go about this thinking one high

and im gonna die, they thought they would come out of this unscathed and return

to their familys and friends if they had known t would kill them i doubt any of

them would have done it.

Stay strong were all here if you ever need to vent:)

Suzanne Baltetsch.



--- In autoeroticasphyxiationsupport@yahoogroups.com, "mhiddenk" <mhiddenk@...>

wrote:

>

> Hi. I'm not sure how to do this. On April 1st (!) a police officer came to the

door saying my brother had passed away, and that I should call the coroner's

office in the county where he died. His body was found Mar 31, but he had died

at least 2-3 weeks earlier. The scene was so gruesome, one of the investigating

officers threw up. Even after "crime scene cleaners" had completely emptied and

disinfected the place, it still smelled horrible. The death certificate reads

"auto erotic asphyxiation - hanged self from doorway with chains." Lovely. He

was 60 years old. My psychiatrist said to focus on the grief as grief, not on

the circumstances; it was an accident; it could have been an auto accident. My

therapist, very cautiously, because she did not at all want to make light of the

situation, pointed out that this activity is engaged in to heighten sexual

pleasure, so my brother might have been quite happy shortly before dying - I

hadn't thought of it that way at all, and it seems to help (I'd been thinking,

oh, poor soul, why did he think he deserved such punishment?). She has

experience with S&M patients, and says it is not at all unusual for family

members and even close friends not to know of this behavior, which might be

pushed to greater extremes with the passage of time. Though the death

certificate, with its horribly blunt details, is a matter of public record, I am

not yet prepared to tell most people, even relatives except for my remaining

brother, what actually happened. I am saying that my brother suffered a bad

accident at home. If people press, I add that his  body wasn't discovered for

several weeks and was in terrible condition. If they press further, I just say

it's too difficult for me to talk about. By then I'm usually in tears, anyway.

Thank you for being here.

>

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you have found a therapist who

understands.  My brother passed away last September.  My mom has never said the

words yet, and I'm sure she never will.  The therapist gave you some good

advice, although it's hard to focus on just that they passed away. I'm still

very angry with my brother for doing somethng so stupid.  But it's harder for

the ones left behind.  People automatically ask "how" .  I've told very few

people.  But I'm starting to think about not hiding it.  People need to know it

exists and that it's deadly.  But, at the same time, it's not really something

your co-workers or aquaintances need to know, either.







Sex, in our culture, is still so taboo.  It doesn't make our brothers perverted

or sick.  Just normal people, looking for something.  I'm sure they both thought

they would be fine.







I am a little shocked about the death certificate.  Where the heck do you live?

My brother's just says accidental.  However, there could be better statistics if

the death certificates states AeA.







Good luck to you in dealing with this. I'm glad you've found this site.  It's

really been a comfort to me.







Deb







To: autoeroticasphyxiationsupport@yahoogroups.com

From: mhiddenk@...

Date: Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:54:00 +0000

Subject: [Autoerotic Asphyxiation Support] New member, brother's body found Mar

31 09















Hi. I'm not sure how to do this. On April 1st (!) a police officer came to the

door saying my brother had passed away, and that I should call the coroner's

office in the county where he died. His body was found Mar 31, but he had died

at least 2-3 weeks earlier. The scene was so gruesome, one of the investigating

officers threw up. Even after "crime scene cleaners" had completely emptied and

disinfected the place, it still smelled horrible. The death certificate reads

"auto erotic asphyxiation - hanged self from doorway with chains." Lovely. He

was 60 years old. My psychiatrist said to focus on the grief as grief, not on

the circumstances; it was an accident; it could have been an auto accident. My

therapist, very cautiously, because she did not at all want to make light of the

situation, pointed out that this activity is engaged in to heighten sexual

pleasure, so my brother might have been quite happy shortly before dying - I

hadn't thought of it that way at all, and it seems to help (I'd been thinking,

oh, poor soul, why did he think he deserved such punishment?). She has

experience with S&M patients, and says it is not at all unusual for family

members and even close friends not to know of this behavior, which might be

pushed to greater extremes with the passage of time. Though the death

certificate, with its horribly blunt details, is a matter of public record, I am

not yet prepared to tell most people, even relatives except for my remaining

brother, what actually happened. I am saying that my brother suffered a bad

accident at home. If people press, I add that his body wasn't discovered for

several weeks and was in terrible condition. If they press further, I just say

it's too difficult for me to talk about. By then I'm usually in tears, anyway.

Thank you for being here.



















_________________________________________________________________

Hotmail® has ever-growing storage! Don’t worry about storage limits.

http://windowslive.com/Tutorial/Hotmail/Storage?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_Tutorial_St\

orage_062009



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Thank you so much, Debra and Suzanne (and any other readers out there).  It

helps so much to know I'm not alone, and that you "hear" me in a special, though

sad, way.



Debra, you ask where I live, that the death certif. was so detailed - in Calif,

near San Francisco.  But maybe the police were just trying to make it clear that

they'd investigated, to make sure this was neither a suicide nor a homicide. 

(The body wasn't found right away; an autopsy could not be performed.)



In most ways I'd prefer that the certif just say asphyxia, or even autoerotic

asphyxia.  Let this death add to the national statistics, and maybe help deter

some youngsters from trying this type of sexual pleasure.  "Hanged self from

doorway with chains" is what bothers me the most - but there, too - if putting

that here, or on the national public health statistical records, gives even one

person sufficient pause, then that's maybe one life saved (as my wise therapist

just pointed out).



Again, D & S - thanks so much for your encouraging support.



mhiddenk

Hi, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.  I, too, lost my brother

(Jan. 09). He would have been 47 this month.  I appreciate your post. I have

typically told people that he took his own life.  However, I also see how it may

be easier to say that he had an accident in his home.  I am still trying to find

the words. Thanks again for your post.



--- In autoeroticasphyxiationsupport@yahoogroups.com, "mhiddenk" <mhiddenk@...>

wrote:

>

> Hi. I'm not sure how to do this. On April 1st (!) a police officer came to the

door saying my brother had passed away, and that I should call the coroner's

office in the county where he died. His body was found Mar 31, but he had died

at least 2-3 weeks earlier. The scene was so gruesome, one of the investigating

officers threw up. Even after "crime scene cleaners" had completely emptied and

disinfected the place, it still smelled horrible. The death certificate reads

"auto erotic asphyxiation - hanged self from doorway with chains." Lovely. He

was 60 years old. My psychiatrist said to focus on the grief as grief, not on

the circumstances; it was an accident; it could have been an auto accident. My

therapist, very cautiously, because she did not at all want to make light of the

situation, pointed out that this activity is engaged in to heighten sexual

pleasure, so my brother might have been quite happy shortly before dying - I

hadn't thought of it that way at all, and it seems to help (I'd been thinking,

oh, poor soul, why did he think he deserved such punishment?). She has

experience with S&M patients, and says it is not at all unusual for family

members and even close friends not to know of this behavior, which might be

pushed to greater extremes with the passage of time. Though the death

certificate, with its horribly blunt details, is a matter of public record, I am

not yet prepared to tell most people, even relatives except for my remaining

brother, what actually happened. I am saying that my brother suffered a bad

accident at home. If people press, I add that his  body wasn't discovered for

several weeks and was in terrible condition. If they press further, I just say

it's too difficult for me to talk about. By then I'm usually in tears, anyway.

Thank you for being here.

>