My name is Wendy and my husband, Dan, died of AeA on September 25,
2008. He was 54 and we had been married 29 years. We have two
daughters and three grandchildren, and we miss him so very much. This
was a very difficult Christmas without him here with us.

I fell in love with Dan when I was 14, and we had been together for
38 years. We are best friends, lovers, soulmates, and eternally
bonded. I was just professing this to one of the students who works
for me, before I left work to come home and find him hanging dead in
our basement. I have been extremely challenged to keep my belief that
we are connected beyond this life in this world, as I haven't sensed
his presence much yet. It may be that I am sooooo distraught that I
can't be open to him, but I am fighting the consumption of my heart
by my loss of the one person who made me feel that it would somehow
be ok. It is so not ok, and I am trying to just let it be what it is,
whatever that is…

Dan was a very smart, outgoing, active man who enjoyed life, until
just a few years ago. He had gone back to school to get a teaching
degree, and was partially finished with his special ed certification.
But he couldn't get a job and was unable to pay off his student
loans. Along this time, his mother was deteriorating from CHF, and
she died three years ago. He had been active in her care, and after
she passed, his father's health began to decline also. So Dan had
spent the last several years providing attention and care to his
parents and also daycare for our two grandsons. In fact, the day he
died was one of the first days he hadn't had outside interaction with
someone in a very long time. Dan was very depressed at the state of
his life. He had been a very active, vibrant, deeply spiritual
individual and he didn't feel that he was blessed any longer. My
husband just wanted to use the gifts that he had been given, and he
felt that his opportunity had passed.

Many of you here discuss about how you know that your loved one
didn't know what was really capable of happening, and that they
wouldn't have done this if they had known. Bless you for your peace…
My husband's brother died of AeA on August 14, 1988. So this has been
the second time our family has been victimized by AeA. My husband did
know what could happen, and he chose to do it anyway. Now, that is
our hell…. But we love him no matter what. Forgiveness is my only
option, because if I don't I will not heal. And I can't live like
this forever.