I can't speak about losing a husband to this horrible thing but I can tell you
for me, yes I think it is harder and I suffer more because of the way Neal died.
Let me say there is NO easy way to lose someone you love, BUT if Neal had died
because he was hit by a drunk driver or if he had died in some other accident it
would be easier to talk to people and not feel their discomfort. I can't stand
to tell people how Neal died and see that look of disgust, so I keep it inside
unless I feel I can trust the person. And my wonderful therapist tells me
that's why I'm so stuck in grief. Oh I try to get the word out and I tell
friends with kids, but unless you live here in Utah and feel the repressed
sexual attitudes you'd never understand what I go through with the self rightous
people. And because it is such a taboo I think that is why it is hard for all
of us.
I think the other part that makes it so hard is it is so sudden and so
unexpected. This was not like Neal!! He wasn't a risk taker, he was overly
cautious about everything, and he was so responsible. I know kids do dumb
things and I know they think nothing can happen to them. I remember when I
worked at a funeral home. People who lost loved ones from disease did so much
better than the ones that lost them suddenly. I know this is selfish on my part
but I wish Neal had died from cancer or something. We could have said good-bye.
I could feel better because he wasn't in pain anymore. Oh I know how horrible I
sound, but it's true. I want that peace knowing he is in a better place. Right
now all I know is he's missing out on what should be the best time of his life.
Thanks for letting my ramble!! Some days the thoughts just flow.
MeLInda

tuck_1964 <tuck_1964@...> wrote:
Hi Everyone,

I can't believe its been 2 months. It seems like yesterday I kissed
and hugged my husband good-bye before work. I think I am at the stage
where the shock is slowly wearing off and a little reality is setting
in, and I don't mind saying I am SCARED. I don't know when I will ever
be ready to face the truth. I still want to believe its a bad
nightmare and I will wake up to him. When I have to say the
words "widow", I wonder who I am talking about. When I look at my
husband's death certificate I wonder who is that. Have you all went
through this? My sanity is still very much in question. I do see a
good therapist and while I'm there I can cope, but coming home to the
empty feeling is still unbearable. God please tell me one day this
incredible pain will not be so consuming. Do you think we suffer more
because of the way it happened? If anyone wants to talk please, please
let me know.

Thinking of you all.






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