Vickie, your post is heartbreaking, you've been through everything bad that
could have happened, I'm glad you have some good friends and family there for
you. I've been wanting to write back, everyday I say this is the day, but it
goes by. I have so many things I want to say, but so far can't get my head in
that place to say them. So many bad things in the world, so much suffering, it
overwhelms. I'm just at a low point, when I feel tough again, I'll have lots to
say.

I can tell you I've made some great internet friends though, Carol, for one, we
talk every single day all day, she and another mom who lost her son, not to AEA,
we are a threesome and I couldnt imagine getting through a day without them. I
also met my husband on the internet, this was after Jason died and Jason's
father and I divorced. The divorce was the good part, having to do it after my
son died was extremely difficult, but what a relief when it was over. I am so
glad I met Brian or I wouldn't want to be in this world. It's all been so hard.
I promise to write soon. In the meantime I hope you and all the others keep
posting, we need to talk about our boys, and how we feel. I have gotten so much
help here from so many. I know I'm not alone. My heart breaks for my son Jason
everyday. I really hate that he isn't here. ~Dianna Jason's mom

Vickie <vickielynn45@...> wrote:
Thank you for the note of concern, Dianna. I anxiously yearn for any
correspondence from the AeA Support groups..this one, and especially the one for
just parents. I have more postings on that site, as I joined that one first.
I , at first, had put my son's picutres on the site, but later removed them.
I did that for my own reasons as I was gently reminded by my son's closest
friend, that Chris was more than this dreaded game, this affliction. This was
just a very minute part of his life...and I really just decided that he would
not want to be remembered for this, but he would want to be remembered for all
of the wonderful and cherished things he represented. He was a kind, gentle
spirit. So...perhaps a web page dedicated to all of my son's achievements would
be better for me and for my son's memory.

I desperately seek letters from any of you parents out there in either group
to keep writing, not just to me, but to every one of us...that is why the
forum of posting to the group site is so great. Someone wrote today, that
they feel good about the support group, but that even here, people keep their
distance. I am very new here..but I do tend to agree with that assumption to a
certain degree. Perhps it's because as grieving parents and fellow human
beings that are kindred souls in a sense..that we would like to have more
interaction, more communication , perhaps even be able to reach out and hug
someone . That is one unfortunate thing about the internet...that is not
possible. It would be great if we could all live near each other, and meet in
person for weekly meetings. We all know that is not possible logistically, so
we try to communicate in this way. I have gained so much comfort,
understanding, and yes, strength and courage in the 3 weeks since my
son Christopher's tragic death. It was an accident...I must keep believing
that.

Dianna..my son was 25 years old, not married, and lived away from home in a
large city 240 miles from me. He was a fine young man with everything to live
for...a successful career, new house and car...and many friends and family that
loved him dearly. He was happy...and very intelligent, never drank, smoked or
took drugs. He excelled in high school..was active in music, drama and
band..and received many awards and achievements doing so. He worked for a large
corporation...and he loved his work, his coworkers and supervisors tell me he
was a rising young executive with places to go . I am SO ANGRY at the
internet, pornography, God, and yes, even my son for doing this to him.!!
My priest and my counselor as well tell me it's ok to be angry..even at God.
God understands. My son had a lifepartner that loved him dearly, and the
feeling was twofold in return. He and I were close, but I didn't get to see
him as often as I would have liked. But, I was trying to
accept that fact, that he had a busy life, and that phone calls would have to
suffice sometimes. I was only able to see him perhaps 4 times a year, for maybe
2 to 3 hours at a time...due to his and my busy schedules...but they were
quality times...and love abounded! I cherish those times. He left home and
moved to another state about 1 year after high school in 1999. I missed him
so..he was the last of my two children and the youngest. I really felt the
empty nest syndrome after he left.

Your question if I had been telling everyone about his death..and mostly about
him..yes..I have been telling everyone about his death, but only a select few
close family and friends have been told how he died. We, as a family, and his
lifepartner, decided this is what Chris would have preferred. He was a very
private person, and would not have wanted people to remember him for this only.
The public is not widely educated on this subject, and with that lack of
knowledge comes ignorance, and with ignorance comes misunderstanding, derision,
scorn and even whispers. I didn't want that for my son. So..others were told
he died from something else. I don't like to lie,,but I think God understood
why we felt we needed to lie about this. The people that do know, those close
few...yes...they hear my stories , my feelings, my sorrow over and over and over
again day in and day out. Some just hear of my grief, even though they don't
how he died. Some listen, others act like I
have a contagious disease and keep their distance. I have truly found out who
my real friends are. Even my fiancee and I have broken off the engagement,
after being together for almost 5 years. just two weeks after my son's death.
He said he couldn't be there, he wasn't strong enough...what a shock..I asked
him how he could kick me when I'm down! I am angry at him! My exhusband, my
son's father, died suddenly and unexpectedly at the young age of 52, just 5
short months before my son died. We had been divorced for 3 years, but
remained close. We were reeling from his death, then my son's death ...it is
just too much for anyone to have to bear. My son died at a motel as he was in
his hometown to meet his sister the next day to select a headstone for their
father's grave. This makes it even harder to accept.

I have many friends, and family that are here for me...I cherish those
trusted few. I will be eternally grateful to them..they know who they are.
They don't ask for thanks...they just are doing what they feel they want and
need to do. I am so thankful for the grief writings you have been sharing. I
found great comfort in them...I felt a tingle down my spine as I read each
symptom, each feeling...it was as if the author was plucking it right from my
thoughts and feelings.
Have any of you read the book by Judy Collier..."Quit Kissing my Ashes"? I
have been looking high and low for this book , to no avail..and finally at long
last, found it on Amazon.com. I am so ecstatically happy, as it arrived just
today. I hear that this book is so very helpful. I can't wait to read it later
tonight. Thank you all of you..for allowing me to air my feelings and yes, to
even bare my soul. I wish I knew if my son is okay..I have asked him for a
sign..I don't feel him around me like I did my exhusband after his death. Why
is that? That frightens me. Anyone offer any advice? Thank you...Chris'
Mom, Vickie




Friends are angels in diguise who help me to fly even when my wings are broken.
vickielynn45@...

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please visit Jason's memory site:
http://www.geocities.com/angelmomfriends4/jason1.html page 1 Welcome; page 2
Birthday; page 3 His last years and death









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