Dale,
First thing you need to do is ask yourself why you are with this
woman. If she is as caustic towards you as you describe then why
stay? What is it that makes you feel so strong to stay with the kind
of person that will treat you that way? What have you done in your
life that makes you feel that is the only type of relationship that
you deserve?
There is a really good book by Jerold J. Kreisman entitled "I Hate
You Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Border Personality". I don't
know you well enough to form any kind of diagnosis about you or your
significant other but maybe the book can give you some insights into
your own relationship.
I wish you the best with your struggle and I hope that you come to
realize that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit
for. Regardless of your struggles, lifestyle or choices, you are
always worth so much more than you, or anyone for that matter, could
possibly comprehend.
-Mel


--- In angertoolbox@yahoogroups.com, Dale D <dhdmidnight96@...> wrote:
>
> well it sucks im always left the bad guy and she gets off scott
free this is her house and she has custodity of our son , she causes
fights i show up for it she kicks me out its a common thing. no joke
i really love her and she is the most unhealthy person ive ever met
but there is good there.
>
> --- On Tue, 12/30/08, j rayno <hawaii062003@...> wrote:
>
> From: j rayno <hawaii062003@...>
> Subject: Re: [angertoolbox support group] my sanity
> To: angertoolbox@yahoogroups.com
> Date: Tuesday, December 30, 2008, 9:35 PM
>
>
>
>
>
>
> LOL...yea, the "fighting" made me tired too.......
>  
> But, see if you can remember when she goes off...is she in pain?
(that was why I thought of the monthly thing)  Is she frustrated? 
(is life going the way she wants it too) Is she fearful? (secrets we
all might have fears of???)  
>  
> That was how I got pass my mom's behavior..I' m not sure I could
have done it when she was alive, but I still had to deal with my
anger for her after her passing.  I use that with  uncorrupted people
in general (especially rude drivers as I'm on the road a lot).  Helps
me slow down and not get dragged into it.
>  
> I found a really good book about our behavior and parts of the
brain.  It is possible if there was some head injury in her
life...that could be the bad guy?????  My nephew drowned, and died,
but was brought back.  He ended up with bi-polar which might be in
the family, or the recreational drugs, or the drugs they used to keep
him in a coma till his body healed?????  But that boy was always a
challenge, like our son, so it may or may not be the results. 
Apparently there are tests to see how the brain works when "stressed".
>  
> I try to get sleep, water and eat right.  If I can focus on that,
I'm taking care of myself, and I'm better at dealing with people who
have those "bad" days....
>  
> Be safe......
>
>  Volunteers don't necessarily have the time:
> they just have the heart.
> author unknown
>
> ____________ _________ _________ __
> From: Dale D <dhdmidnight96@ yahoo.com>
> To: angertoolbox@ yahoogroups. com
> Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 5:47:25 PM
> Subject: Re: [angertoolbox support group] my sanity
>
> i respect what ive read and thanks. i feel like a drunk trying to
get sober in a bar but its my family who i love dearly.in the past
before i got sober i was usually to blame i was with a different
woman then one who was easy going i guess but one i didnt connect
with.ive felt like this is a test of sorts i mean everyone always put
up with me now im in their shoes and not handling it so good in fact
i suck at it.i love my girlfriend but she can only be nice and
without a fight for a few days then bam! out of no where she
blindsides me with some hateful remark and then the gloves come off
and i screw up,man im tired at 42.
>
> --- On Tue, 12/30/08, Dale D <dhdmidnight96@ yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> From: Dale D <dhdmidnight96@ yahoo.com>
> Subject: Re: [angertoolbox support group] my sanity
> To: angertoolbox@ yahoogroups. com
> Date: Tuesday, December 30, 2008, 6:34 PM
>
> thanks , i have a bad anger problem and i do a lot of things im
ashamed of when i lose it . i tend to blame her for starting these
things in the first place and its kinda like if it wasnt for you id
never have done that and thats ducking the blame i think. if she
would stop being insane and causing problems out of nothing all would
be ok but truthfully i need to learn to stay calm and somewhat sane
through it all without getting so angry i freak out, mabye i just
need to be a bachlor
>
> --- On Tue, 12/30/08, j rayno <hawaii062003@ yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> From: j rayno <hawaii062003@ yahoo.com>
> Subject: Re: [angertoolbox support group] my sanity
> To: angertoolbox@ yahoogroups. com
> Date: Tuesday, December 30, 2008, 5:28 PM
>
> Hi Dale....
>  
> I'm going to just guess here.  I had a similar relationship with my
mom.  At some point it doesn't matter who is right or wrong.  12 step
program about "blaming".  Yes, it gets complicated with children from
another relationship. ...There were stages my son had, that triggered
me, but I knew he had done nothing wrong.  By the time it passed, I
had no idea it was a trigger for me.  (my pass)
>  
> When I started to analyze my relationship with (people) I thought I
might have some connection to people with alcoholics.  My mom did not
drink, but acted the same way as her siblings who did.  If it is dna
or how we are raised, those 3 had that much in common.  They seemed
to all treat their children the "same" way.  Some of the details are
not important as the results is....I had what you have. 
Relationships with some people just go that way.  Like it is written
on my forehead.... .lol
>  
> So I looked into Alanon, and found a lot of people behave this way,
and it is up to us if we recognize it, to leave.  Or we
become "enablers".  Odd word, but I guess we help them, and this is
not in a good way.  I was raised in a family similar to what you have
described. Nothing seems to make things better...
>  
> I found I can only do what is right for me, and having the wrong
people around makes my job harder.  Hard choces have to be made.
>  
> or
>  
>  
> you can get educated about this kind of behavior so you can defuse
it, before it gets out of hand.  Is she worth that?  Please don't
stay for the children.  Part of that equation is she has to see no
matter what, she can not take you by the shirt and drag you around
like that.  That is so wrong.  That is "sick".  No stranger would
allow that....who does?  Would she do that to her kids?  Can she see
this?
>  
> I finally came to the realization, I can not help people that
are "sick" and don't want the help.  It is sad, from a woman's point
of view, that she can not see her behavior is not good for her
child.  She needs to take responsibility for her behavior and make it
right too....
>  
> See if this helps:  anger is a stress relief from fear, pain, &/or
shame.  Can you pin point any events in her life that would make her
act this way?  I hate to say it, but is it a monthly thing?  (If you
can pin point it to a monthly thing, that is a different challenge. 
But, if it is just is???....... ...she has a problem.)  I imagine her
anger can be triggered just like us....but the anger has to be there
first....... .I'd think?????  What is she really angry about?
>  
> Perhaps the more we understand about our anger, they more we can
understand others, but what to do about it......I'd leave.  Once I
found out what abuse is, I'm never going to take it again.  Id rather
be alone, or homeless.
>  
> Just speaking from experience, and see the results in my
life........ ....this (education) works.
> J
>
>  Volunteers don't necessarily have the time:
> they just have the heart.
> author unknown
>
> ____________ _________ _________ __
> From: Dale <dhdmidnight96@ yahoo.com>
> To: angertoolbox@ yahoogroups. com
> Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 12:14:56 PM
> Subject: [angertoolbox support group] my sanity
>
> hello all,
> i think ive just been had. im not trying to get girlfriend advice
or
> anything juvenille im just lost again.as ive said in the past i
have
> issues and so does my girlfriend but either im going crazy(er) or
she
> plays me for some sick need.i will be completely honest and i ask
the
> same of anyone who responds. im not after having anyone tell me im
> right i just need an outside opinion and im alone here and have
> knowone to ask.this morning i came downstairs and my girlfriend and
> the two boys were in the living room she was laying on the floor
with
> covers.im usually the one who gets up early with them but it was
her
> today.well all seemed ok i was laying on the floor with them, she
may
> have noticed a few looks on my face towards my stepson he is 7 but
> very advanced and very annoying but i didnt say anything.she made a
> commit about the son we share together saying i dont understand he
> was in a good mood all morning till now and well the only
difference
> is i was with them now.it made me mad so i responded by saying
> something harmless but letting her know i knew what she was implying
> (from time to time she says suttle hurtful things)well after i
> responded she got up and went crazy yelling and it all seemed very
> fake to me i followered her upstairs trying to get a hold on things
> and she kept grabing my shirt and pulling me around and then i
> started getting angry next thing i know her son was crying and im
the
> perp and she and him the victum he talked to me like he was 21 and
i
> resonded like he was 21 (mistake i know)now she is at a hotel and
im
> the devil once more. i swear when she started yelling at me when
this
> first started it seemed so fake ive seen her mad and she wasnt in
my
> eyes she was trying to make it look like to her son that i was
doing
> something and she was so tired of me causing this but truthfully i
> was just confused and not doing much of anything . she does this
with
> her ex and did long before i came around.i guess you can only see
> myside since im telling it but why would anyone stage something so
> mean?she is always saying she is scared i will leave her that she
has
> never really loved till me but this shit is insane. did she know if
> she started some bs then pushed me id get mad and make a mistake?am
i
> insane and paranoid?i try my best to admit my wrongs and try to
grow
> and change but now im left with what i said to her son and im the
bad
> guy once again because thats what stands out.truthfully it never
had
> to happen in my eyes.please help me to understand im so used to
being
> the person in the wrong but with her something feels like i get
> played a lot.does anyone understand? am i crazy? please be honest
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> Panic Attacks cannot harm you!
>
> Get our ebook on how to manage
> panic attacks for no charge.
> This ebook on Panic will help
> you and your child understand
> what and why Panic Attacks occur
> and how to cope with them.
>
> Take charge of your Panic Attacks now at
>
> http://www.parentin gtoolbox. com/nopanic. pdf
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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>      
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> Panic Attacks cannot harm you!
>
> Get our ebook on how to manage
> panic attacks for no charge.
> This ebook on Panic will help
> you and your child understand
> what and why Panic Attacks occur
> and how to cope with them.
>
> Take charge of your Panic Attacks now at
>
> http://www.parentin gtoolbox. com/nopanic. pdf
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
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