Wow! You are having a lot of feelings. I am so sorry that your experience has
been so negative. I know it does happen. I am a person who did not meet people
easily. I remember when I had a year and I told my sponsor that I didn't really
know any of the women after a year. She replied 'so, what are you gonna do
about it?'. Which, for me was excellent advice. I made a decision to act the
way I thought people should act toward me. It wasn't easy, but I made a
decision to force myself to say 'hi' first. And for me it was a lot like work.
I had to make a point to notice people, to remember names, to go up to them
after the meeting and say something about what they shared, that sort of thing.
I had to force myself to make phone calls. I literally had to call people and
say 'I made a commitment to make one call every day, and you're it!' It got
easier over time. After a while I found some people who I liked more than
other. And true friendships followed. These might seem obvious to some people,
but I was the type that wouldn't say hello until someone else talked to me first
(I was terrified that they wouldn't really want to talk to me) I was so involved
in my own feelings that I just didn't notice that other people had feelings of
their own! It took me two years to move up to low self esteem! Over time, I
did finally get to know people, and they got to know me. It takes time to build
relationships.

Most of all, you need to do meeting for YOU. For your own progress, for your own
health. Everything else is gravy. But I can promise you that if you keep
coming, eventually the gravy flows.

Please try and remember that when you are drinking, everything you feel is
likely magnified beyond belief! That I know from personal experience! I had to
learn (and accept) early on that most of my feelings had little to do with
reality. Oh, they're very real to me, but still today I often need to remind
myself that feelings are feelings, not facts. And for me, my feelings do not
necessarily reflect anything that is actually happening at present.

My heart breaks for you. I remember feeling so much like you do now. I think I
stayed sober just for spite early on. Today, I am happy. I still am not 'Miss
Congeniality' by any stretch. But I think I have a couple of very close
friends. The more effort I put into a friendship the more I get.

Just keep going to meetings. Sobriety is there for you if you really want it.

Thank you for sharing. I promise that I will speak to the next unfamiliar face
I see at the next meeting I go to.

ODAT!

Deb K.