I am in process of getting back to land meetings. As I was driving
down the road one day wondering if I am indeed an alcoholic after all
- I haven't had a drink in quite some time, have no desire to drink,
and do have a good support network in place. But still, something is
missing. I did go to a BB meeting Thursday night. We read 'Dr. Bob's
Nightmare' (or whatever the title is) As Dr. Bob tells his story, he
wonders what was different when Bill talked to him. And he tells us -
this man spoke his language.

Years ago I was so immersed in AA that I don't think I knew anyone
anymore who was not in the meetings. I was the group's GSR, the
District Secretary, chaired meetings, made coffee, and my entire
social life was centered around AA with sober picnics, dances, group
anniversary dinners, whatever. It was great. I did not believe that
I could ever socialize in any way with 'normal' people. I just didn't
fit.

So, when my life evolved and I became involved in other groups and
other things and I was comfortable this was real growth for me. But
I do find occasionally that I forget who I'm talking to and they look
at me sort of funny because they have no idea what I'm saying - I'm
speaking a foreign language.

At that meeting Thursday night it occurred to me that here is the only
place where I can truly exhale. Everywhere else I am 'on' to some
degree. I love these groups that I'm connected with, I trust the
people and know that they do really care about me - but only in an AA
meeting can I wholly let down my guard and just exist. Even at an AA
meeting where I have no close connections, I am not alone. These
people speak my language.

I left that meeting feeling more 'whole' than I'd been in a while.

I am glad that I am not feeling any desire or compulsion to drink.
But I can see where that little lonliness could lead to a negative path.

On another note - it's snowing again. Geez! I really want to put the
shovels and blower away. I want the weather to clear and the ground
to dry so that I can have my trailer jacked up. And I'm tired of mud.
We have 5 seasons in the Catskills - Winter, More Winter, Mud, Summer
(1 week), Winter. I live for that 1 week of summer!


ODAT


Deb K